I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 26 (almost 27). We have been dating for about five months. Right now I'm in an awkward situation with him, and it all revolves around saying "I love you." We have yet to say it to each other, at least officially. We are both NOT mushy people, so we rarely even say things like "I like you" or "You're amazing" etc. We show our affection more through actions.
However, the awkward part... about a month ago we both drank too much, went back to his place, and were laying in bed about to sleep. He then asked me, "Do you love me?" I said, "Yeah I do. Do you love me?" And he said, "Yeah I do." Then I asked why he never says it then and he just responded by saying that he does say it, just once I fall asleep at night when I stay over. That was the end of our discussion, and we both haven't brought up the conversation after the fact. I know I was more drunk than he was, but I'm still too scared to bring it up in case he doesn't remember, or if he's just not ready to say "I love you" yet. One time after the incident (when we were both sober), I did hear him mumble something once he thought I was asleep, but I don't know for sure if it was the "L word".
It has been bothering me lately though, not talking about it. I am very ready to move onto that part of our relationship, however I can't tell if he is or not. I was wondering if I should bring up the conversation we had when we were both drunk, or if it is too far past the fact to do so? I feel like either way I need to find out how he feels, because it has been driving me crazy not knowing if our relationship is progressing even though we have been dating for nearly six months. I have been trying to be patient for him to say it first, as I feel he should, but I feel like at this point he is never going to bring it up at all. But if I bring it up or say anything first I don't want to force him into saying it too soon. What should I do?
Thanks for the help
Posts: 30 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2010
| IP: Logged |
Also, I don't know if this makes any difference, but I am used to very frequent short term relationships (typically 1-4 months), with the exception of a one year relationship. He however being older, has dated a couple girls for at least two or three years each, and then been in a few relationships that have been over four or six months. But he says that only his long term relationships actually count to him since he doesn't remember the previous shorter relationships. This also makes me nervous or insecure because I feel like this may not be as big of a deal to him. When to me, to make it past 6 weeks of liking someone is a huge deal since I have commitment issues. However, I am the only "short term" girlfriend to meet his family so that counts for something I guess. I don't know if he is waiting for a certain time frame to say I love you, but typically in two of my past relationships that were actually serious, I have said and genuinely felt love by this stage.
I had a discussion about it with my boyfriend fairly early on in the relationship. At that point both of us were pretty clear that we weren't ready to say anything about it yet. While be both say 'Love you' when saying goodbye or write that at the end of an email it's clear to the both of us that it doesn't quite mean "I LOVE you" yet. We agreed to make sure the other person would understand it whenever we did. I am content with our situation and so is he. There is no pressure one way or the other. (I might also add that I am Norwegian and we have two different ways of saying "I love you", on which is far more serious than the other, so I don't necessarily feel the same amount of connotations when it comes to this specific word.)
So I guess the only advice I can give is to have a conversation about it. That doesn't necessarily have to mean that either of you have to say it or that you put a time frame on it, but figure out where you stand on the topic and find out how big of a deal it is. Who know, he might be waiting for you.
On a complete side note.. Love doesn't have a time frame, at all. Sometimes one can fall in love in the matter of hours while for others it could take months or even years. For me personally it took nearly half a year before I felt certain enough about my feelings that I could say "I like you" or "I want to be with you". Then again, I'm not exactly a textbook example...
-------------------- Signature that I might fill out later ~~~ Posts: 15 | From: Norway | Registered: May 2013
| IP: Logged |
I completely agree with atypical that having a conversation is a good idea. Clearly this is something that is bothering you and that you are thinking a lot about and, honestly, it's never too late to talk about something that you want/feel you need to talk about. In fact, generally, I think when you want to talk about something is exactly when it's time to do so. (For the record I know it doesn't always feel that way, and it can feel like too long has passed, but in reality is if you have something you really want to know the answer to the only way to get that answer is to communicate.)
I'd also add that talking and having a conversation about whether you two are ready to say "I love you" won't actually change the reality of how you both are feeling, it'll simply make you on the same page about it. And if this is about worrying that he'll feel pressured to reciprocate I'd suggest making that part of what you talk about. Tell him up front that there's no pressure to reciprocate if he isn't ready for it and that you only want him to say it if he feels prepared (or whatever it is that best describes how you feel about the situation).
I also hear you saying that you're feeling some insecurity about the relationship because at this point you don't know whether he sees this as a serious relationship or not (as I understand it because you've been going out a relatively short period of time). I think those feelings are all the more reason to have this talk, and something I really would address with your partner, because even if for some reason you two saying "I love you" isn't the end result of the conversation, you can at least clarify for yourself where you both stand in terms or serious and commitment to the relationship. (And as a word of comfort I'd remind you that all longterm relationships have to start out short term.)
Posts: 236 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.