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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Spontaneity- ok, or not ok?

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Author Topic: Spontaneity- ok, or not ok?
Kabith
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So, I'm kind of going around with this thought right now.

90% of the time, my boyfriend is the one who "starts" things. He will start touching me in small ways to see if I get excited- sometimes I love it, and I get super excited and we proceed to do things. Sometimes I think it is pleasant for a little while, but then don't move on. Sometimes it doesn't feel nice at all, and I will give it a minute to see but then usually ask him to stop. 10% of the time, I am the one who starts touching him to initiate something, and he always seems to approve.

Do you think that is a healthy way to do it? Sometimes, when I am not in the mood, it makes me feel bad for a few reasons. 1) him touching me doesn't feel good, even if it is for a few seconds. 2) sometimes I feel bad saying no, especially if we haven't anything in awhile. 3) if I don't say no right away to see if maybe it would be fun to do something (like, I'm not sure if I am in the mood or not), but then decide that is really bothering me, he feels awful and I feel like it is my fault for not telling him sooner that I wasn't sure.

One way to solve this is to say "You cannot touch me without asking first, or unless I initiate it." But one thing wrong with that is sometimes I like being spontaneous, and sometimes when I am not thinking about sex at all and he comes up and grabs me, it is a wonderful surprise and leads to some awesome sex. Sometimes his little grabs aren't really sexual either, they are just like a love squeeze, and I like those too (most of the time, and if not I just tell him to do something else affectionate instead). If I like the spontaneity sometimes, but not other times, how do I deal with it? Do I just need to be more upfront with where I am at if he does initiate something? Does he need to ask me first? I don't know.

Also, this is a completely different thing, but I'll ask it in the same topic- my boyfriend can be an active sleeper- he sometimes talks and moves around in his sleep. Once in awhile he will start touching me WHILE he is asleep, or start rubbing up against me with his penis. It really bugs me, but I'm not really sure how to fix it since he is asleep when it happens. If I push him away, sometimes he will stop. If I kind of scold him awake, he will only partially wake up and roll over and stop, but that still takes a lot of effort from me and leaves me feeling kind of annoyed. He never remembers it in the morning, like most of his other sleep activities. Thoughts on that one?

Posts: 120 | From: Washington State - USA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Perhaps, Kabith, one thing that needs to happen here is talking with your boyfriend to change the dynamic so he asks if he CAN touch you before he does it more often? This doesn't have to be some hard and fast rule, just something he aims to do more frequently.

In other words, if him just touching you isn't a thing you're okay with, sometimes or all the time, that can be sorted by him asking first, in general, more often, or always: whatever you prefer.

I'm not sure why you're saying that asking makes anything less spontaneous: after all, it's not like it's any less spontaneous to ask out of the blue than to do out of the blue. Know what I mean?

In terms of his movements while he's asleep, he can't control those, so there really isn't anything the two of you can do about that, save electing not to sleep with him if that's not something you're okay with or find you're enjoying.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kabith
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Alright. I was thinking about giving him a little list of things that I am ok with him doing without asking, and things that I would prefer him to ask about first. I was also thinking about asking him to "read" me more first, if he is thinking of initiating something. Like, if I am relaxed and playful, maybe initiating sex would be fine. But if I seem distant, or stressed, or preoccupied, initiation may just seem intrusive. How does that sound?

Yeah, I didn't think there was much I could do about that. I guess I will just have to get used to pushing him over and try to not blame him for it [Smile]

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Heather
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I think asking someone to "read" you more like this is probably only going to be helpful if they're not doing that, or trying to already. I'd ask him about that before telling him, because for all you know, he's already doing that to the best of his ability, you know? After all, none of us can read the minds of our partners or magically interpret their mood or body language perfectly all of the time. In fact, I'd say we'll often err in that department, even when we know people well, just because we can only ever know so much about a person who isn't communicating with us in ways that are much more clear, like with their words.

But I think discussing that is just fine, and asking about this within reasonable limits is, too. I also think making clear to a partner what kinds of touch you are and aren't okay with with or without asking -- when you know that -- is always a good idea.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68233 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kabith
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Ok! Thanks for letting me bounce ideas off of you.

I'm off to have some good old chatting with my BF [Smile]

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Heather
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Sure thing! [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68233 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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