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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » We broke up, and now he's a completely different person

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Author Topic: We broke up, and now he's a completely different person
techie
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So, I broke up with my partner of a year a month ago because we just could not communicate healthily. He got verbally aggressive when we'd argue, and incredibly personal, and border harrassment (he'd continue to send me messages over whatever we were talking about long after I'd left the conversation, either because I was emotionally distressed or going to sleep).

We decided to try and be friends - you don't have to have the same heavy conversations out of a relationship, right? But the other day he watched a video on feminism and gaming, combined it with me being a feminist who games, and just... turned it all into this bizarre ball of misogyny and hate. He spent literally hours (multiple two-three hour periods) ranting to me while I was offline or asleep, and accused me of ignoring him or disrespecting him when I asked him to stop. He called me names and accused me of bullying him and now we're just not speaking.

I'm not really looking for practical advice per se - I've got him blocked via social media, and if he tries to turn up at my school I can get him turfed away because he isn't a student. So I'm not really concerned about my safety, more just utterly, utterly baffled. Previous badness about arguments aside, this still came like a bolt out of the blue, and I just don't know what to make of this. I guess I want you to tell me what I'm supposed to think, because I'm just -so confused-. (And quite indignant.)

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Haleigh H
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Techie,

Yeah, that does sound really confusing. Could it be that he is having a rough time apart from your relationship/friendship. Is it possible that something else is causing him some stress? Sometimes when we're upset about something we take it out on the people we are closest too or care the most about.

Without knowing him I can't really speculate on why he has begun to act this way towards you. Do you have a mutual friend (someone who knows the both of you) that you could reach out to? Maybe talking through it with someone who knows him would help you figure out what's going on.

What do you think?

I'm glad to hear you've taken steps to make sure you stay safe.

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Haleigh

Posts: 176 | From: Kansas City, Missouri | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
techie
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He generally has a bit of a shitty situation, he's unemployed, uneducated and his family are a bit... ick. But I don't think he cares about me at all. It honestly just feels like he's been pretending - the more I look back at it, the more 'nice guy'-ish it's seemed. "Oh, I got you drinks and lent you my jacket, and you never returned any affection". And given I was cuddly and kisses and hand-holdy, I'm 99% sure that 'affection' he's referring to is orgasms.
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Heather
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You know, I find that sometimes, when we do the friend-then-lover thing, we can think changes or dynamics with someone are only happening because we're in a sexual or romantic relationship. And that if we go back to being friends, they'll like, revert back to friend-that-we-once-knew, without those dynamics or changes.

Sometimes, that is how it goes. Other times it's not, and it turns out those dynamics and changes were and are there no matter what kind of relationship we're in with them.

(Been there, done that, have more than one of the t-shirts.)

[ 05-11-2013, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Haleigh H
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Heather, that is so true.

techie, I find that giving myself time and space to think about tough situations helps me figure things out a bit better. Somehow distance from a person or a situation can bring to light things you may have missed or things that hadn't yet crossed your mind.

Do you think that might be helpful?

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Haleigh

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techie
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I just ended up having to block him via every social network, and have emailed my teachers to tell them not to let him into my classes (he's no longer a student, but my college is lax and he was allowed to visit so long as he was quiet). My family have been told to call the police if he turns up at my house.

He's been flat out harassing me, I blocked him on one service so he sent me messages on another, and he's insisting on coming into my school (where he isn't a student) to spend time with our mutual friends during breaks, despite the fact that I have to be there, and he doesn't, forcing me into hiding if I don't want to see him - which I don't.

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Heather
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Oh, techie, I'm so sorry to hear this. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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I have A level exams tomorrow. This is such shitty timing and he knows it.
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Redskies
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Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear this, techie.

Try not to let him disrupt you - that's obviously what he's trying to do. You deserve to focus on you. You and what you want are so much more important than someone who chooses to behave like this.

Different people do better with different techniques, but depending on personality, some people do well with just mentally blocking it out completely, and some do well by thinking "ha, stick you, I'm going to do well anyway".

You're clearly really on top of the situation with the actions you've taken already. No matter how you might feel, you're clearly awesome and strong and you can so totally do this.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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MusicNerd
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Techie, I've been reading over this thread for a little while now, and I just wanna say that I'm so sorry that this situation's been so shitty for you. [Frown]

I just wanted to chime in here and say that I totally understand how much it sucks to have someone follow/bother you when you don't want to see them, and also that you've been really strong and wise about this whole thing (seriously, you go!). I also think its really great that you made your family and teachers aware of this situation, too.

After your A-levels, do you think it would help to go to some sort of counselor/friend/someone-you-trust who you could talk to about this whole situation (including what you mentioned about him wanting to hang with mutual friends during break)?

As for your A-levels: good luck and you've totally got this! [Smile]

[ 05-12-2013, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Kabith
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If I may chime in, I would like to say some things. If this kind of advise isn't allowed on the forums, feel free to delete my post- I don't want to get anyone in trouble!

You have been very good at being proactive in this whole situation. My roommate freshman year had a similar situation as yours, but she did not take the precautions that you did and the boy pursuing her just got worse and violent.

From a legal standpoint, it may be wise for you to keep copies of your conversations with this guy, in case you need to file for a restraining order. Keep emails, texts, fb messages, and any phone conversations written down, screen-shot, or otherwise documented. Also try to show documentation of you saying "do not contact me anymore," or anything along those lines. Document your attempt to alert school officials as well, so that is shows you have taken precautions and that it was VERY CLEAR to the boy that you did NOT want ANY form of contract. Sometimes the police are less-than-helpful if you do not have evidence that you have tried to manage the situation yourself. If you even DO need a restraining order, you will need to have these transcripts available. Also, if he EVER threatens you in ANY way, DOCUMENT IT. Sometimes they will not allow you to put through a restraining order unless you have proof of danger. If he texts you something threatening, or leaves you a threatening voicemail, keep that information and show it to the police. If he confronts you in person, be sure that other people are around and make a commotion- that way there will be witnesses who can vouch for you.

This is all coming from someone who has had experience with a boy who elasticated into being a dangerous stalker. Like I said, my roommate was the one who was being stalked, but because I was the roommate I was considered in danger at the same time and received this same training.

My roommate had to pursue a restraining order for a few months before actually having the evidence needed to be granted one. If you want me to share more of our story, or if you want examples from out story on what documentation we needed in order to get the restraining order, I can post more about it here.

**Like I said, if this post is a no-no feel free to delete it. I just want people to know what kind of things they need if they end up needing a restraining order, because my roommate didn't know and she lived in fear for about 3 months before she had enough substantial evidence to get one approved.**

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Heather
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Kabith, I think your contributions on this are fantastic: thanks for making them. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kabith
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Thank you!
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techie
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This got many more replies in my absence!

I have a therapist, so that's definitely something that's been talked about, and he's backed off, so no need to really get police or anyone else involved. I also haven't lost any mutual friends, which was something I worried about, so everything's being handled, really. I felt like I owed you a reply after all that you've all added to this - thankyou, for your time and effort and care. I'm glad to not to have to need Kabith's advice in this instance, but I shall certainly keep it in mind for future reference (here's hoping I shan't need too!)

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Robin Lee
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I'm glad to hear everything is going well.

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Robin

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