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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Did I cheat on my partner by doing this?

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Author Topic: Did I cheat on my partner by doing this?
Melli*
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months so far. Things are great so my relationship has nothing to do with the current situation.

I touched myself in front of another female, a friend I've known for 14 years. I did not have any sexual desire for her and she did not touch my gentialia; I was just a bit paranoid to see if my womanly parts were still working because earlier, my clitoris became numb from the vibrator I was using. After comparing the two toys, we came to the conclusion that it must have been the batteries dying. Relief that everything down there was working properly again - I covered myself up with the blanket. Would this be considered cheating on my partner?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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What agreements do you and your partner have about the exclusivity of your relationship?

In other words, "cheating" is about breaking an agreement. Do you two have an agreement this is outside of?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Melli*
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We never spoke about it, but I'm not the type of person to have sex with others when I'm in a relationship. This masturbating in front of my friend was a one time thing - and there was no sexual feelings involved either.

I'm thinking about telling my partner, but I'm not sure how he would react. I did not let my friend touch me, or did I engage in anything else other than touching myself so would it really be considered cheating?

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Robin Lee
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Since you and your partner never discussed this, there's no way to know whether they will consider it cheating or not. Really, that's the only thing that counts here, whether you, and your partner, consider this cheating. Since we, and you, don't know what your partner thinks about this, it's impossible for us to guess their reactions.

What do you see as the pros and cons of sharing this with your partner?


And...do you consider this cheating?

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Robin

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Melli*
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The only things I consider as cheating is flirting with other people, sending nudes of your body, engaging in sexual activities with different people besides your partner.

I did not do what I did for sexual desire or fantasy. I did it because I was concerned about the function of my own body. My friend asked if she could help and I declined, covering myself up with a blanket.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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The thing is that if we're going to enter into and create relationships where we agree to be exclusive, these are things we have to talk about TOGETHER, and decide on together so we DO have agreements and all know exactly what they are.

That way, there's no need to try and figure out on your own if something was or wasn't, or to ask outside people what they think, especially since it really doesn't matter. That way, whatever agreements you have with someone are clear to both of you so you'll already know the answer, and can know what your agreements are per your choices, as well as know when you maybe want to ask a partner to talk with you to reconsider if something should or shouldn't be part of those kinds of agreements.

[ 05-17-2013, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Melli*
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Well, we only have intercourse with each other and we both agreed to be faithful.

I guess I ruined the relationship by touching myself in front of my friend? ..

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Heather
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I don't understand the leap you are taking here at all.

Why are you saying that?

You say you agreed to be faithful: I don't know what that means, and if what you did with your friend means you were or were not. Do YOU know what "be faithful" means? If not, then again, sounds like it's time for you and your boyfriend to make agreements that are actually meaningful and agreements that are clear you both can understand. Get what I'm saying?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Melli*
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Yes, I know what faithful means.

I don't have sexual feelings or desires for my friend. She did no touch me, and I did not touch her. I only allow my boyfriend to do that, but I'm just thinking about breaking off the relationship now.. I feel horrible about it, even though 'cheating' was not my intention at all.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm feeling really lost here right now.

So, if you know what "faithful" means to both of you, do YOU think you were unfaithful in this? In other words, whatever you two have agreed "faithful" means, was this outside that agreed-upon definition?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Melli*
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I don't think I was, because there was no sexual contact with another person - or any engagement in flirtatious texting.

I just feel horrible because I don't know what he considers as cheating, and because of hearing so many people say that it was cheating on him.. My intention was NOT sexual, at all.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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THIS is exactly what I have been trying to say.

In other words, you clearly do NOT know what "being faithful" or "not cheating" means, because you don't know what HE thinks it means. Which means you haven't talked about it. Which means you don't yet actually have any meaningful agreements about this: meaningful in the sense that they actually give both of you practical information.

So, again, you clearly need TO talk about this and find out what you both each think "faithful" means, and work together to DECIDE what it means per what agreements you are making with each other.

It sounds like you've been talking to a lot of other people about this, rather than talking to the one person you actually need to, and the only other person besides you whose opinion about this matters.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just for the record, when we and someone else don't actually make real agreements around this things -- clear, concrete agreements, not super-vague terms like "faithful" no one is defining together -- we, or they, really can't be considered to have broken them.

We can't break a thing we didn't build, if you catch my drift.

What you're dealing with now is about not having made clear agreements: the solution to this is to make them now. ideally, you would have made them clear in the first place, but you two didn't. So, now you do, that's all.

I think taking those real, honest, practical steps, steps that actually build relationships, is going to get you a lot further than dialing up the drama on this, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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