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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Jealous Green Monster

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Author Topic: Jealous Green Monster
ana109
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Hello there,

I have probably one of the most amazing boyfriends on the planet. He is pretty much my everything and we have been each other's shadows ever since we met.

However... I am extremely jealous over his best friend, who happens to be a tall, model-like girl. In the beginning I confronted him about her- and he told me that he is her best friend, and he did flirt with her once, but that was way before he met me, and I will continue to be the one he loves in his life as always. BUT. I cannot curb this damn jealousy! And it's not that I'm afraid it will push it away, because I am very good at hiding it and acting like his relationship with her does not bug me in anyway whatsoever, but then when I come home and he goes and chills with her, I am silently simmering in a boiling pot of jealousy. It is driving me crazy! My imagination just goes way off... Somebody smack me with a nice dose of logic? Please?

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Please help.

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Heather
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Well, feelings aren't logical. Would that they were! They'd be a lot easier to deal with.

So, logic probably isn't going to offer you much here.

Why do YOU think you are having these feelings?

For instance, do you feel like you don't have a good deal of trust when it comes to your boyfriend? This girl? How about your own self-esteem: do you feel like it's high enough so that you can be in intimate relationships without feeling really scared like this?

Also, have YOU spent time with this girl to get to know her, perhaps so you can see her being a person who is more than what she looks like? maybe build some trust with her?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ana109
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I trust him... But not her. I feel like this paranoia is most likely stemming from past betrayals and possibly a little bit of low self-esteem on my part. But I mean, if you see her its a little easier to understand why. She looks like model material! She's always sending him little texts asking him to meet her, and random stuff like "look at the moon with me, it's so beautiful tonight." I'm pretty scared that she will make a move on him, and he will think that she's better than me, having being friends with her for so long. Even though I KNOW that he is not like that all. But what if she tries to seduce him?

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Please help.

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ana109
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I know. I'm terrible...

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Please help.

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Heather
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I certainly didn't think that about you.

Like I said, do you know her well? Have you put effort into getting to know her?

Mind, it sounds like there is a place for logic here: this girl can't be sexually involved with your boyfriend all by herself. Even if that was something she wanted, it's something he'd also have to choose.

Also, I hear you saying she's his best friend. Don't you think someone he'd call his best friend would be someone who he felt supported the relationships he likes and wants, rather than had some hidden agenda to undermine them?

Really, it also sounds like some of this isn't about her looks, but might be more about her having a closeness with him that you don't, or don't yet, by virtue of not having had -- I'm guessing this is the case -- a long-term close friendship with him already. What do you think about that?

(Lastly, it sounds like they have been friends for a while now. Don't you think that if they both had sexual or romantic feelings for each other, they'd probably have explored them already?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ana109
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For a few years, yes... But that's the thing, I know that he would never betray me- not that I think it, I know it and feel it. But the thought that she might take him away from me makes me a little crazy. I suppose I need to be a bit more open-minded when it comes to getting to know his best friend. But generally when I'm around her all I can think about are those little messages she likes to send him, and then I get pissed off, and I have a habit of just glaring at people that piss me off...

I think you're right. I am a bit possessive, and the thought of a girl who is as close to him as me but in a different way kinda rubs me up the wrong way.

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Please help.

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Heather
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As I've said to another person in a similar place, he's a person, not a purse. A person can't "take" him unless you are literally talking about forcible kidnapping.

If he were to get involved with this girl, it wouldn't be because she "took him from you." It would be because he also decided to be with her.

Really, I think in this situation, if you do feel you have the self-esteem and self-confidence to be in a relationship right now, period, the answer to this probably lies with getting to know this girl a lot better.

If you really like or love this guy, and he's super-great, it seems to me the person he's choosing as his best friend probably is, too. And I'm betting that if you really can start to see her more as a person, a whole person, and a person who is also probably a lot more than whoever she is to you right now, or even to your boyfriend as a best friend, it's going to be a lot harder to keep seeing her in this light.

Heck, for all you know, you might just make yourself another good friend in the process. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ana109
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Thank you so much, I am definitely going to put the effort into understanding her a bit better. [Smile]

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Please help.

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CSandSourpatch
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Hey ana,

I can sort of see where you're coming from. I think all of us have had that little (or big) green monster just set up camp in our minds and poke at us with sticks going "but what if...?" It's really no fun.

But the thing you do have to remember is what Heather said: your boyfriend can't be taken from you unless he wants to be. This girl isn't going to kidnap him and hold him hostage, waiting for Stockholm syndrome to set in.

However, if this tension keeps on going, you might wind up eventually not trusting your boyfriend, or expressing your feelings in such a way that he thinks you don't trust him.

A lot of us are close with people of another gender, and there's a sort of unspoken societal presumption that these friendships can never truly be just platonic. I think that's a load of horse pucky. I'm friends with many guys, and my boyfriend with many girls. Being in a relationship with each other means that, should we ever find ourselves feeling something is not right with one of those friends, we can express that to each other and have our feelings respected. (Of course, there is the expectation that we will respectfully express our feelings in the first place, too.)

It doesn't seem like you've told him you're still holding all this in, and I think that's something he might want to be aware of, because there may be something reasonable he can do about it.

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ana109
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I know he has a lot of friends who are girls. It's just his best friend happens to be a girl and is almost as demanding as a needy girlfriend. Always asking him to pick her up in the middle of the night because she's drunk out of her mind, all of the little texts she sends him, wanting him to take care of her when she's sick. It just freaks me out a bit. He spends almost every day with me, the time he does spend with her I can't ask him to give up... He shouldn't have to choose between me and his friends...

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Please help.

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Heather
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Let's try this.

Do you have a best friend you're very close to?

If so, isn't that who you call to pick you up when you are stranded? Who you share a lot of meaningful communication with? Someone who is probably a person you like to take care of you when you're sick, if you're the kind of person who likes being taken care of when sick?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ana109
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I suppose so... I guess I feel threatened by her. I'm just scared of losing him. He's very special to me and my life.

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Please help.

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Heather
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I hear you.

But it truly is a lot harder to feel threatened by someone we get to know as a whole person, rather than seeing them only through the lens of our fears. When I hear you describe this girl now, it's all very one-dimensional. But whole people, when we really get to know them, can't be one-dimensional anymore.

So, how about you go ahead and invest real effort and time into spending more time with her and getting to know each other? Really, I think the lens of reality -- the the reality of her for real, not the way you have constructed her in your head -- is your friend here, and you clearly could use some more of it.

I'd also point out that we want people who are special to us to have a LOT of love and care in their lives. So, if you somehow can't manage to do this for yourself, maybe you can make these efforts knowing they're a benefit to your relationship, and a benefit to this person you care so much about?

[ 04-16-2013, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Molias
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Hi Ana,

I know a lot of folks have weighed in here, but I know that jealousy can be tough to wrestle with so I wanted to give my thoughts as well.

You've talked about this a little already, but when jealousy becomes an issue I think it can be helpful to sit with that feeling a bit and unravel exactly what those jealous feelings are saying to you. Jealousy can be this big, gross, gnawing feeling, but if you can break it down into smaller fears, it can be easier to either find a way to address them or to say "you know what, this isn't a valid fear and I'm going to work past it."

It sounds like most of what you're worried about is that this person will try to hit on your boyfriend and that he might decide to go along with it if that happens. Do you feel like your relationship with him is solid other than this issue? Does he have a history of cheating, or any other characteristics that make you think this is likely?
Unless she were to sexually assault him (which is really an entirely different scenario than anything you've mentioned), any contact between them would be a joint effort - if he were to decide to be sexual with her that would be his decision as well. I think there's a common trope of the "home-wrecker" or seductive woman that lures men away from their partners, but those men are still people with their own free will, you know? You say you trust your boyfriend - even if she does try to initiate something with him, does that trust extend to him saying "no thanks?"

If you're really actively worried that your boyfriend will leave you for someone else, even when he's already been clear that she's a close friend who he isn't romantically interested in, I think this is a great time to think about your own self-esteem a little. You're describing this woman as "model material" but you know, of course, that there's much more to attraction and relationships than looks. And in addition, not everyone finds the same sort of look or body type attractive.

You said you're pretty good at hiding your jealousy, but you also say you just want to glare at this girl all the time, and honestly? If you're feeling this upset and resentful towards her, it's pretty likely that either she or your boyfriend will pick up on it soon (if they haven't already) and it'll make things pretty tense and awkward for everyone. Plus, stewing in jealousy isn't going to make your life any easier!
I think Heather's idea to try to build a relationship with her is a great idea - if you just aren't that compatible with her on a friendship level, that's fine, but if you don't know her at all other than through her interactions with your boyfriend, she'll continue to be more of a caricature of a Threatening Woman than a real person in your life.

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ana109
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This is why I need to talk to other people about things like this! Talking to you all has helped me see how unfounded and illogical my jealous is. Because I do trust him... Before me he used to have quite a few girlfriends, and they would not last long at all. And he has never cheated on a girl, just realizes that they're not the one for him. I have lasted a long time, and he has not once given me reason to think that I won't continue to last.

The thing is I don't want to resent any part of his life, especially someone as important as his best friend.

So I need to make that effort.

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Please help.

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ana109
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Is it wrong of me to be jealous when he says how beautiful she looks with her new haircut? And he talks to her more than me?

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Please help.

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MusicNerd
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Hey Ana!

You know, when I got a haircut last year A LOT of my friends complimented me on it; people who identify as men and people who identify as women; people who claim to be attracted to women and people who don't; people in romantic relationships and single people. I too have complimented people on their hair/style/appearance many times before to both friends and crushes. I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that I don't find it unusual for your boyfriend to compliment his best friend on her haircut, since I've done that to my friends a countless number of times and they've done it to me, too.

Now, in terms of how much you communicate with your boyfriend: Have you voiced to your boyfriend that you'd like to talk with him more? Also, do you feel like you two aren't talking to each other enough, or just not enough in comparison to his friend?

Also, since the last time you posted, have you tried to get to know this girl? It might help you ease your concerns.

[ 04-18-2013, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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ana109
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I have actually. It was quite nice, she's actually a lot like the kind of friends I like to hang out with.

The issue definitely lies within me and my jealousy, and the only problem I will find is the one that I am creating in my mind.

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Please help.

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