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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Working With A Home Wrecker

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Author Topic: Working With A Home Wrecker
cagedbird123
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Member # 63989

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So, my whole love triangle feel apart because I chose the wrong boy.
I was greatly encouraged by a friend (let's call her Girl A) to leave my significant other (we'll call him SO for short) for a boy I thought I liked (we'll call him Boy B).
So, I made sure my SO was stable and I said I would like some time appart to figure out my feelings and work on my depression and I tried to be very supportive. As the day went on the more and more I regreted what I had done and realized that I had acted hastily on my friends advice, so I called my SO in tears and said I was so sorry, but he didn't want to hear it, he was through.
Within the week after I had gave up my SO for Boy B, he and Girl A became physically involved and then a couple.
I got very upset with them for being so inconsiderate of my feelings, especially after this ordeal.
They said they had done nothing wrong in the least.

After I calmed down I looked at my life and realized that I wasn't being who I wanted to be, nor was I being true to myself. I decided that I was going to rise above this and be a better person.

Later, I calmly told Boy B I was sorry for my behavior and asked Boy B for an apology for his hand in the matter. He became irate, saying he had in no way done anything wrong and that I did not deserve on apology. He said I was upset over "nothing". I calmly explained that my over one year relationship with my SO was not nothing and told Boy B specificly what he shouldn't have done (string me along, be dishonest about how he felt about me, etc.) to help prevent the situation. I let him know that you can't change the past and I just want him to realize his mistakes so he doesn't make the same ones in the future and hurt someone else. I also mentioned that it was very inconsiderate of both Boy B and Girl A to start dating imediately after I broke up with my SO for Boy B (which Girl A had encouraged me to do).

He doesn't see that he did anything wrong. He thinks both him and Girl A handled the situation perfectly and I'm just upset for no reason.

I'm trying to help him realize that he made some crucial game changing mistakes, like not being honest with me that he didn't like me at all because he didn't want to have to deal with me being upset (he said instead "I don't like you like that right now, but that can change"). I want them to realize these mistakes so they don't end up hurting someone else, or themselves, in the future.

Is that wrong of me?

Posts: 95 | From: Somewhere | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI CagedBird,

Well, if Boy B doesn't think he did anything wrong, then it's unlikely you're going to change his mind. I'm honestly a little confused by the whole thing, so I'm not really sure that I can offer you an opinion on the facts of this. [Smile] However, what matters here is that your feelings were hurt.

I think you have choices *now* though, and one of them is to take care of yourself. Is it helpful to you to keep trying to convince boy B that he did something wrong, or would it be more helpful to spend this time taking care of yourself? Or something else?

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Robin

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I, too, am pretty confused by this whole situation.

But honestly, previous to this post, you posted about engaging in a secret sexual relationship with someone -- one of these guys, I think -- when you were in a relationship with someone else and not being honest about that yourself.

So, it sounds to me like everyone in this situation, including yourself, has perhaps acted badly, and tarring anyone in it with names like "home wrecker" (especially when none of you even make a home together, to my knowledge), strikes me as seeing all of this in a way that only escalates drama, and also really puts responsibility for things being a mess on everyone else when, again, it sounds like everyone involved played a part here, including yourself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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I understand that I am the main guilty party, but I feel offended by the fact that both Boy B and Girl A are angery at my for being upset in the least and say that they had nothing to do with the situation.

And "Dealing With A Home Wrecker" was referenceing how they (Boy B and Girl A) see me and how I saw them.

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Heather
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I didn't even say you were the "main guilty party."

I said that everyone in this situation appears to have behaved badly.

And that given, I think it simply doesn't make sense to expect that anyone is likely to be a pinnacle of awesome within this anytime soon.

So, you have hurt feelings. I hear that, I understand that. But sounds like probably everyone has hurt feelings, since it sounds like everyone was...well, crappy and inconsiderate.

How about taking some space away from everyone in this, to give all of you a breather? Process your own feelings along, with help from your therapists or other friends, then when you've done that, THEN try and come back to any of these folks you still want to have in your life and try and start to talk things through then.

(And again, none of you are married or live together or have families together. I really just think hyperbole, like '"homewrecking," isn't going to help you here. It's only going to keep the drama high and the clarity low.)

[ 04-16-2013, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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