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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is There Anything I Can Do?

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Author Topic: Is There Anything I Can Do?
Member # 45317

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My girlfriend and I (I am female) have been together for six months. This is my first relationship. She has been in previous relationships and been physical with those people as well as others but was only fingered by one person and that was because she was coerced. (It was a boyfriend.)

At the beginning of our relationship we had sex but only I received because she was not comfortable with that. I told her that I wanted to give her pleasure and said that we did not have to have sex until she was comfortable with receiving. She has a high libido, enjoys giving, and said that she did not want to stop, but we agreed to slowly make her comfortable with receiving. It turned out that while she was comfortable taking my clothes off she was much less comfortable taking off hers. I have respected that and we keep most of our clothes on when intimate. I have asked her multiple times if she would prefer that we not have sex and wait until she is comfortable with being unclothed in front of me, but she does not want that.

Eventually, she decided that she was comfortable and ready to be fingered and she enjoyed it. However, she is still uncomfortable taking her clothes off, so we still keep our clothes on. Throughout our relationship I have repeatedly told her I want her to be comfortable and that we do not have to do anything that she does not want to do.

I am frustrated. I hate making her uncomfortable but it is hard to tell where the line is. For example, she will touch me (in public, in bed) but if I do the same she freaks out even if it is not a sexual touch. However, sometimes she is okay with it. I am not a physical person by nature, so all of this is new to me. I always make sure she is comfortable with what we are doing because negative things happened to her in the past. I think that she is beautiful but she gets uncomfortable if I look at her and compliment her body. (That is one of the reasons I asked her if she wanted to stop being physical. I do not want her to be uncomfortable whenever we were intimate.)

We have a fine sex life, she greatly enjoys being physical and we communicate well. I know that I cannot change what happened to her in the past. I can only work to make sure that our relationship is healthy and that she is comfortable with what we do but she makes it very frustrating. Does anyone have any advice?

Best Regards,

Posts: 16 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey, JAP.

Have you two talked about how you're really feeling? And maybe had some talks about if she feels like a sexual relationship is something she's really ready for just yet? I hear you saying some things about what she wants, but wanting something doesn't mean we're ready for it, you know?

What about checking in to make sure that when it comes to things like you touching her, or taking her clothes off, those are things she ever really wants herself, not just things she's willing to try because you want them?

When you say bad things have happened to her in the past, and she's having what sound like very strong, scared reactions to being touched, at all, that suggests to me this might be a person in need of care for PTSD. I don't know what's happened to her, but has she ever sought out care for healing from it?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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