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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Having trouble explaining

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Author Topic: Having trouble explaining
moon_goddess
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I told my boyfriend last night that I wasn't sure that I thought it was a good idea for me to be in a relationship right now. When I tried to explain why, he didn't really get it.

Now I'm second-guessing myself and my reasons for wanting to maybe break up. (We're going to talk about it this weekend.)

I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm still trying to move out but don't have the money, which is a huge source of stress for me. Because of all the stress, I haven't been as happy or as good of a person as I'd like to be able to be.

I told him that sometimes I get into a mindset of not feeling like I deserve people (but him especially) being nice to me, and then I feel really guilty. I also feel like I'm not able to be who I want to be in terms of treating him how I want to. I've been more clingy, and less excited about doing new things with him, which means sometimes he has to try to convince me to go on walks and stuff. The walks eventually help, or at least I think they're good for me, but I don't like him having to do that. Like, I don't feel like I'm being a decent adult in an adult relationship.

I asked him to think about it for a couple of days, what he thinks about not being together anymore and what that would look like for him. I also asked if he had any other suggestions for improving things that would not involve breaking up.

It's clear to me that something in my life is not working, and I need to do something drastic to fix it. I'm not entirely sure this is it. This would also mean I wouldn't have the main person in my life to talk to as often, but I do have other friends who I could get in touch with again. (That would also probably be a good idea regardless.)

I've read all the articles on scarleteen that I could find relating to relationships, including the "should I stay or should I go?" one. A few weeks ago I looked at the list of why to go, and the only ones that I thought applied were "positive changes and growth have stopped happening" and not getting what I need, because I need to continue having positive changes and growth in my life. I would like to be able to explain more to my boyfriend, who was not happy at the prospect of even maybe breaking up, and I'm not really sure how to explain how positive changes aren't happening anymore and why I think they're grounds for not being together.

I feel like whoever answers this is going to tell me that I don't owe anyone an explanation for my feelings, but I really feel I do, because he's been really great, and this is almost exclusively about me. He hasn't really done anything wrong.

Posts: 48 | From: Northern Hemisphere | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI moon_goddess,

Reading this post, two things come to mind right away.

First of all, why isn't it okay for your boyfriend to be helping you with things right now, such as motivating you to go out for a walk with him? Some of what happens in interdependent relationships is that sometimes one partner is going to be more dependent on the other. That's part of the ebb and flow of life and relationships for many people. Do you still feel like you're contributing to the relationship in some way? In other words, the split of who does what for who, or who gives who more support, doesn't need to be 50/50 all the time.

I'm also wondering: If you and your boyfriend were to break up right now, what would that, in itself, change? What do you envision life being like? What do you envision improving or positively changing?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moon_goddess
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Thanks, Robin.

To address the first thing, I don't really feel like I'm bringing anything to the relationship at all. My knee-jerk reaction is that I don't want to be dependent on anyone, but that's probably not healthy and I'm working on changing that mindset already. I also feel that it is unequal, in that I feel like I have been the one always needing support and that it never goes the other way.

As to what would change, I'm not entirely sure. I would have more free time and energy for socializing with other people. I would feel like I am less bogged down by things. I feel like this relationship is a lot of work. Not really having prior experience, I'm not sure if it's supposed to feel like that. But I expend energy thinking about the relationship and worrying about things.

I am hopeful that not having this relationship would allow me to view things more objectively and make better decisions. Now, I feel like I am sort of stuck. Like, I might consider moving really far away if not for this person being really important to me and nearby.

Posts: 48 | From: Northern Hemisphere | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hey Moon Goddess,

Are these things you feel like you can talk to your partner about? That is, rather than jumping straight to the decision-making part of it (should we break up, or not?)) discuss some of these things that concern you, such as you feeling like you get more than you give, and you worryin about how potential life decisions you make would affect him?

Can I ask if moving somewhere far away is something that you're currently considering, or is it just a possibility. While it's certainly sound to make relationship decisions on what is good for both parties, it's not always helpful to make decisions based on what ifs, so I just wanted to know if you feel like being in this relationship is holding you back in a practical sense, or more in a theoretical "I might decide to do this some day" sense.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moon_goddess
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I have tried to bring things up and they are usually met with a shrug and he says he doesn't mind being there for me. But I find these sorts of conversations really difficult to initiate. I am frustrated because if anything important gets talked about, it is always me having to initiate. I have pointed this out many times.

I will keep thinking about the things you brought up, but I will not have internet access for a couple of days. Thanks for your help thus far.

Posts: 48 | From: Northern Hemisphere | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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You're welcome. If you want to continue to discuss this when you have Internet access again, we can do so. It does sound like communication with your boyfriend is difficult. Maybe you'd find it helpful to make a pros and cons list for yourself of the benefits of staying in the relationship versus the benefits of breaking up?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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