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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » WHERE can we go for sex???

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Author Topic: WHERE can we go for sex???
FilyPhanatic
Neophyte
Member # 107111

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My girlfriend and I need a place to be able to do things. Our parents are always home with siblings, and if they aren't then our siblings aren't. We don't need to actually have sex right now, just foreplay. We want a place to be alone to do what we want. Does anyone have any ideas?? We've been going out for almost half a year and we're desperate. We can't drive yet so the car thing won't work and camping is out of the question. Thanks for any help [Smile]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, really, this is one of the parts of figuring out sexual relationships where a person is really on their own. And I also know it can be one of the challenging parts when you're not an adult.

Have either of you talked with your families about making some space for privacy together?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
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It is hard, we can't drive and it's hard to get away. We have rely on our parents for driving.

Neither of us have talked to parents about privacy. When we're at her house they generally leave us alone, but they won't leave the house or anything like that. And we aren't allowed in each other's bedrooms. It sucks.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I hear your frustrations with this. Like I said, they aren't uncommon: around the world, most young people can't or don't drive or have access to cars -- most young people simply, aren't of that kind of economic class.

But if neither of you have talked to your parents about privacy, or maybe even about not being allowed in bedrooms, it's sounding to me like it's time to do that given how you're feeling. How about starting those conversations?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
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We don't want to talk with our parents about it because we know they wouldn't approve. They're Catholics, and they wouldn't even want us doing more than kissing. They would never allow us to be in the house alone. Its very frustrating. Is there any kind of place that we could go to do things? Or any kind of idea that you have? I just want to be alone with her.
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Heather
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The thing is this: sex -- for people of any age -- outside places like one's own home, or a place we effectively own or rent, like a car (though not one parked in public places), a hotel room or campsite, isn't lawful.

And we can't talk with users here about engaging in unlawful activity, regardless of our feelings about any given laws or legal policies.

So, really, while I get you, this is frustrating. And I get that it's a challenge, for sure, to have different sexual values than your families do, if you two don't have anywhere safe where you know you can be sexual, the usual answer is that however much that sucks, your choice is then to either wait until you DO have access to a safe place, which is what I'd advise, or to choose unsafe or unlawful places to engage in whatever kinds of sex you want to. I'd not advice the latter, but that is your choice should you choose to. But legally and ethically, we can't advise you about engaging in sex in unsafe or unlawful places to do so.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
Neophyte
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Is there any advice you have for talking to our parents about having privacy and alone time? All I want is for them to leave the house while we're there.
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Heather
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Well, I don't think you can expect your parents to leave their own home expressly to give you alone time like that.

While maybe it can work out that way sometimes with parents and teen or adult children who live with them, asking them to leave the place they pay for and call home so you can have it to yourself is....well, personally, that seems pretty outer limits to me, and I'm about as progressive with this stuff as they come.

When we tend to get to have a place all to ourselves, without it just winding up that way because that's what works out for everyone, is usually when we have a place we pay for, if not in whole, at least in part.

So, I'd not suggest asking your parents if they could leave the house to give you and your girlfriend alone time. I'd expect even parents that were fine, or outrightly supported, their kids having privacy in their own house would probably sit with their mouths hanging open at that kind of request. Not because of you wanting to be sexual, but because you'd be asking them to leave their own house, the one they provide for you, just because you want it all for yourself for your own stuff, you know?

(Unless maybe if you also offered up some money for them to go out to a nice dinner and a show, but otherwise... [Razz] )

Per talking to them about all of this period, and in a sounder way than suggesting they get outta the house so you can make out like you want to, have you seen this yet: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/about_that_talk_with_your_parents

[ 04-02-2013, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
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Is there any advice you have for talking to our parents about having privacy and alone time? All I want is for them to leave the house while we're there.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Did you read my last response to you when you asked the exact same question?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
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I'm sorry about that, my phone did that. I think it was because I reloaded the page.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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No worries, it happens.

Did the response I gave you get you a good start with this, or would you like to talk in more detail about how to talk with them and ask for reasonable levels of privacy?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
Neophyte
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I don't feel comfortable talking with them about the subject, I'm very shy when it comes to this. I read the article, and I feel like sex is a massive elephant in the room. For example, I feel very uncomfortable when it's brought up on TV when I'm with my parents. My parents, and her parents, are catholic and have strong opinions on the subject. I feel that talking with them about it would only make it worse. They'd more than likely not allow us to be alone at all and make rules about how and when we can see each other.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, this is one of those things where what you want isn't going to magically fall into your lap, clearly. To boot, when we're getting to the age where we're starting to -- or want to start to -- engage in sex, we're going to also need to be ready to start talking about it, if we're also ready to start doing it, you know?

I get that with parents where sex is a particularly tough subject, that's extra challenging.

However, if what you want is privacy for sex at your home, privacy they purposefully extend to you, then starting these conversations is the only way that probably even has a chance of happening.

If you feel sure that talk would not result in what you want, and you don't want to have it, too, then by all means, you don't need to. But you may also need to accept, perhaps either way, that you aren't going to get what you want here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
Neophyte
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I just want to say thanks for all your help. When I signed up for Scarleteen to ask this question, I didn't think I was going to be helped by a founder. What you're doing is great! It's great for a teen to have a place to go for guidance on this subject.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Oh, you're so welcome! Thanks for such a lovely thank you.

(And we can keep talking about this if you want, it's just that it's clear that something's got to give here, you know? You have the parents you have, who won't become radically different people, and you have the circumstances you do. You can do things to try and work with those, but having them somehow turn into something radically different because you want a thing badly? Not likely.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FilyPhanatic
Neophyte
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I just want to say thanks for all your help. When I signed up for Scarleteen to ask this question, I didn't think I was going to be helped by a founder. What you're doing is great! It's great for a teen to have a place to go for guidance on this subject.
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FilyPhanatic
Neophyte
Member # 107111

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Sorry, I did it again...
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