Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » conflicting feeling around sexual life (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3   
Author Topic: conflicting feeling around sexual life
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hiya Heather; I'm here [Smile]

continuing from the last thread, I guess I just want my mam to listen to me and my partner to be happy with what I think is right for me [Smile]

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
When I was asking about what YOU wanted for yourself in terms of your sexuality and any sexual life, I really was hoping we could start with you and, again, assume that -- for the purposes of this exercise -- those two things were already givens.

So, let's try this again. [Smile]

Assuming that it was a given that your Mom was in your corner with WHATEVER it was you wanted per a sexual life, and your partner was similarly on board, what do YOU want, all by yourself?

For instance, if you want to be sexual with your partner, what does what you ideally want look like for you right now? What does and doesn't it include?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It looks like no penetrative sexual activity, nothing with any pregnancy risk at all.
Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, to make sure we're really at the want place (and instead of talking about only what you do NOT want to do), you, for yourself -- and it'd be something you'd want even if your boyfriend didn't want it -- very much enjoy and want to do things like making out and kissing, petting oral sex, fingering and handjobs, etc?

In other words, right now, you strongly want and desire to do all of those things with your partner, and would really want to do them even if he didn't? Like, if your partner didn't want to do all or any of those things, you'd be bummed out about it?

[ 03-17-2013, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No... I mean if he didn't feel like those things of an evening I wouldn't mind, but if he persistently asked for more than what I have told him I was comfortable with, I would have serious issues with that [Smile]

I've had a bad day today as far as my anxiety around this- I keep reading back to what you said in m_azul's thread about how pregnancy isn't like those small bruises, but I'm so terrified that I won't get my period :'(

[ 03-18-2013, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, we can also see what threads users are looking at, and I'm noticing you're not limiting yourself per staying away from threads that probably trigger anxiety for you.

Per this conversation, I'm still not hearing you talk about anything YOU actually want here.

Let's try this: think of something in your life you have wanted really, really bad. Think of how you felt about it, talked about it. You probably WOULD have minded, and been bummed -- even if you might have accepted it -- if you couldn't get or do that thing, right?

Now maybe apply that to anything sexual: is there anything you, yourself, even if your boyfriend didn't want to, very, very much want to do? Not DON'T want, not "are okay with," but really, really want?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
....no. I guess the things we've been doing have not been exactly what I would really really want [Frown]

[ 03-18-2013, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, let's try this again. [Smile]

What do YOU, MaddleyLove -- not your mother, not your boyfriend -- really, really want in regard to sex or anything sexual at this point in your life?

If you got to do ANYTHING you wanted to do sexually, what might those activities be, if any?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
fingering and oral are the things I would be comfortable with, and, indeed, are the things we have been doing.

[ 03-18-2013, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Do you very much WANT to do these things? As much as anything you have wanted very much in your life?

I mean, I'm comfortable going to the dentist, okay? But if you asked me if I really, really wanted to go to the dentist, I'd say no way.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess not, I could very happily go without those things and not feel any regret or miss doing them :/
Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So you do NOT want those things. That's really what it's been sounding like all along, honestly.

We miss or crave things we actually want when we can't have them, after all. We're not generally all whatever about anything we deeply want.

I'm really, really glad you were finally able to just say that. I think it's really important for you.

Why do you think it's been so hard to just say that?

You've clearly been resistant to just identifying what you, yourself actually want here -- even in a space where it's okay for you to want whatever you want, and you know you'll be totally supported in that -- with stuff that's supposed to be all about only being something we do when we really want to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for helping me to say that [Smile]

Maybe its because I'm so confused on what everyone else wants from me and what I should want, I didn't stop to look at what I really want?

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Of course: I'm so glad you finally did. Proud of you. [Smile]

By all means, it's sounded like your mother, and possibly your partner, have been so vocal about what THEY have wanted from you, and you -- and perhaps this is something you struggle with in general -- have been so unclear about what you wanted, that I'm not at all surprised you haven't felt able to even have the space, time and room to figure out and then voice what you want.

And I suspect that a lot of this anxiety has been, in some sense, your brain kind of yelling at you to pay attention to YOU, and also to you being in situations where you aren't yet even at knowing and asserting what you want.

So, really, Maddley, my very best advice, which I think will really help with all these fears you have been having AND improve the quality of your life and how you feel about this part of it as a whole, is for you to make that room for yourself.

In other words, to step ALL the way away from anyone telling you what THEY want of you when it comes to sex and sexuality right now. To make clear that for now, you are not doing or promising ANYTHING in this regard, and what you need is for both those folks -- and anyone else -- to back the heck off and give you whatever time and space you need to first figure out what you want. Which you can only do if they shush up about what they do, and not ask you for anything sexual right now, be it a boyfriend asking for any kind of sex, or a parent asking you not to do something.

And really, until you're able to do at least that, I don't see this improving for you at all.

Do you think that you can do that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Of course I can [Smile] Thankyou so much for all your time and attention [Big Grin]
Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah?

Want to make a plan for that, or need any help setting those boundaries in a truly assertive way?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think making a plan may be useful to me, I don't think I really know where to start..

Also?

since I'm on a role with the whole letting my feelings out, could we possibly talk about certain trust issues I have? [Smile]

[ 03-18-2013, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Great. Maybe let's start with who you feel most able to be assertive with first: Mom or boyfriend?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well... I feel making a plan round my bf would probably be more useful, me and my Mam don't talk about sexual things very often [Smile]
Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Given how much impact your mother's messages of no-sex have had, as you've expressed 9and I suspect that might be part of what's had you caving in with your boyfriend too, odd as that may seem), I do think talking to her is something you'll need to do, but sure, let's start with your boyfriend.

So, how about you ask for some time for a serious talk, ideally somewhere public, but private enough you can feel comfortable talking about this without being overheard.

Then you can tell him that you've figured out that you really don't know what you want sexually, but strongly suspect that you really DON'T really want to do anything sexual.

But what you are asking for, and really need for him to give you, is space and time not only to not be sexual, but to not talk about what he wants with you in that regard, so you can really have room to figure out what, if anything, you do.

You can assure him that it's okay he has sexual desires, this isn't about saying he's not okay, but that what you want and don't needs to matter, too, and it's like you just can't hear your own wants over his. You can let him know that as you get more clarity around this, you will of course keep him as filled in as he wants to be.

Something like that sound doable?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, that sounds like a good plan [Smile]
I see him tomorrow, so I'll try to talk with him about some of these issues [Smile]

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Great.

I am so, so glad to hear you sounding like you're feeling so capable around this.

I'm hoping even just getting to this has given you some relief, but I expect taking action around it will really help a whole lot.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, I think I do feel some relief having realy got to the root of this [Smile]

I wonder if we might also address some issues I have around trust? I feel that is another area which is affecting my anxiety :/

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sure, I'm happy to talk with you about that. Why don't you fill me in?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's been bothering me for a while... but I always pushed it to the back of my mind until I got into a relationship and realised I would have to have some measure of trust to make it successful.

its not that I don't trust my bf around other girls, im not worried he'll go off and cheat on me... it's more when like, for example, I ask him if hes sure we didn't have any genital contact when we had oral and manual last week (the situation that has been making me anxious and upset in other threads) and he says he's sure... but I just cant bring myself to believe him, I keep doubting that we didn't, imagining that we had MAJOR contact when I know we probably didn't have any at all [Frown] same goes with doctors and any medically correct information :/

it's not just with him though- ever since I can remember, I've never felt I can trust anyone, especially my family ... for example, if you asked me who I trusted with my life I would say no one, because I really don't :/

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay.

Can we maybe start by asking if you have any sense of what you might need to trust someone?

Additionally, if you have any sense of why it is that, even when you take real time to build trust, assuming you do, you still have a hard time with it?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I honestly have no idea why I don't trust people... maybe its bc I'm scared they'll be wrong, something will go wrong... after all, nobodys perfect [Smile]

when I think about it, I suppose I do subconsciously trust family members every time they drive me out somewhere, I trust they'll get me from a to b safely... I suppose I struggle with emotional support- I'm a private person who, until I got a bf, had trouble expressing my feelings for people... I made out I was this strong person who didn't need any emotional support from anyone, but I guess that's just not the case [Smile]

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, the way I see it, whether or not people are trustworthy sometimes they -- we -- are going to be wrong. And sometimes things are going to go wrong.

But are you suggesting this might be less about trust, and more about control? In other words, about you feeling the need to control or be in complete control of things, rather than giving that up or sharing it sometimes?

You know, NO ONE needs no emotional support from anyone. What we know about human development is that people literally do not survive without that, sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. I also think it'd be sound to think about how you might be defining strength here: people who are strong, who can weather things are most often the people who DO have and ask for emotional support, not the other way around. Might you be confusing strength with stoicism?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
what does stoicism mean? [Razz] if it means stubbornness, and unwillingness to share my feelings, then yes, I guess that is me :/ saying that, I am back to square one where, in m_azul's Worried thread, I talked about feeling guilty- I feel guilty for sharing my feelings with others, particularly anxious feelings, as I do not want to burden other people [Frown]
Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Being stoic means enduring pain or hardship without showing your feelings or complaining.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
aah well that is me 100% [Razz]
Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay. I'd say step one is to stop calling that strength, since it's really not. It's more about fear, and about not even taking the chances to be strong.

Strong isn't being unyielding or unbending. Quite the opposite. One way I remember that is by going outside where I live in a storm. I live in the middle of a forest where there are very, very tall trees. When the wind whips, it's crazy how some of them wave back and forth and bend around. I'll get scared, then remind myself that THOSE trees aren't the ones that'll snap or fall: those are the strong trees, because they can bend and yield.

Have you I I talked before about the idea that we are burdening other people by letting them in? Just don't want to give you reruns. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
that's a really good analogy of what it is to be strong, I'll remember that one [Smile]

no, I don't think we have discussed that idea?

Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay.

So, let's start with you: the people you care about and want to be close to, do you want them to share both their joys and their burdens with you? Do you want to be there for them with both?

How might you feel if any of those people just locked you out from either? Would that feel good to you? Would you be so glad someone you cared about wasn't asking you to listen, or to help or support them when they were in a rough place?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MaddleyLove     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd feel isolated and distant from them, and it would hurt me.
Posts: 199 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3