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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is it a rebound? Unsure of things.

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Author Topic: Is it a rebound? Unsure of things.
henrysickle
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Member # 95804

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I'm very unsure what my ex is doing. We're both Christian, and both virgins. However, when we were going out, we 'experimented' with stuff. We split up, she cites her reasons for doing so was that I never told her I loved her and she felt pressure from my previous ex. I tried to get her back, she tells me she's dating someone. I tell her I'm moving on. She texts me saying she 'wants' me, and we do stuff again and she tells me she loves me. Few days later she says she was drunk. She then says we can't be friends because if she has a drink she'll 'want me'. She wasn't. I ask her for help with my brother who got involved with drugs, she helped, but then claimed I asked her to 'get her back. She then told mutual friends that I lied about it. She's also spread other lies about me, and tried to turn people against me.

She's told me she's now seeing someone else. She asked to be friends again the other day. I was hesitant, because of the way she worded it. "I'm drunk. I want to be friends, this isn't my trying to 'get off' with you".

Now, I suffer from OCD. I went through a phase of having bad anxiety and unable to leave the house. Now yesterday, she text me saying she's having panic attacks, and today she said she's now unable to leave the house. Makes me suspicious. But anyway, she then told me she's only told three people. Me, her friend, and he new boyfriend. It hit home with me, so I offered her help. She threw it back in my face.

I've also seen this guy she's now seeing. My friends showed me a picture, and basically laughed. He's fat, ginger and not attractive at all. Now, it's not my place to say, but that's what my friends have said. She also started seeing him a WEEK after she text me saying she 'wanted me'.


So. Why did she text me telling me about her 'issues', when she's been spreading crap about me. Why did she say to be friends, and specifically say she didn't want to 'get off' with me. Is this guy a rebound or what? Why does she keep me in her life and ask to be friends? And finally, is seeing different to being in a relationship?

Thanks. Sorry for all the questions.

Posts: 14 | From: UK | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI henrysickle,

I couldn't possibly tell you why your ex is doing all these things. she is the only one who can say why she's done these things and acted this way, and from the chaotic sound of her behaviour I'm thinking she may not even know herself.

So, rather than going down the fruitless path of trying to figure out what all this means, I'm wondering what *you* want. That is, do you want to still be friends with her? Do you want to still be in contact with her at all?

What do you want, need, or both right now?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
henrysickle
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Honestly? I don't know. From what she's done and said, I should absolutely hate her and not want anything to do with her. But I don't. I guess it makes me jealous she's seeing this guy, especially because he's not terribly attractive. I care about her enough that it bothers me that she's claiming to have anxiety problems, but then I don't know if that's just because of my situation. I don't know whether the fact we've been intimate, it's given me a false sense of closeness to her, plus the fact she told me she 'loved me'. But she said she said she wants to out what we've done out of her mind... when she wanted it when we were going out.

I'm really confused. My friends know what she's done to me, and think I should stay away... my family do and think she's psycho... but still. Part of me still has some attraction to her, and I do care about her. But at the same time, it's apparent she's desperate for any kind of boyfriend, so starts seeing a friend a week after me.

I don't know if a friendship can be formed. I don't know if anything could develop again, because of everything that's happened. I'm just lost at the moment. I know I should cut her out, but I'm finding it really hard to, because I worry about her.

Posts: 14 | From: UK | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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It's understandable that you're still attracted to people. It's rare that a person's attraction to someone else goes away completely, even when the person they're attracted to has caused upset for them.

It sounds like you have a lot on your own plate managing your anxiety, and I'm wondering if having this upheaval is causing you more problems then not. You're allowed to say "no," to her---to anyone actually--in the interests of taking care of yourself. IN other words, it sounds like continuing this connection to her might not be healthy for you.

You said above that one of the reasons you responded to her talk about anxiety was that she said she hadn't told very many other people. If she comes to you again with this, or other difficulties, another way to manage this would be to encourage her to reach out to others and get professional help. This way, you can still be helpful to her without getting yourself too involved, and if she really is experiencing debilitating panic attacks professional help is what she needs.

Knowing that it doesn't hav to be forever, what do you think of taking a short break away from not talking to her to see how it feels for you? You're not cutting her out at this point, just giving yourself some space.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd also add that I get how in situations like this part of the trouble can be that we're concerned about someone we see doing what seems to be spiraling out of control and worry they'll only spin out more if we're not around.

That said, I think what we have to bear in mind is that when they're kind of whirling us in with them, or trying to, and when that spinning out seems to be something they use us as a catalyst to do, we're probably NOT helping. Not because we don't want to, but because that person isn't seeing us as someone to help them, which generally means we really can't help them.

You can't be a liferaft when someone's only grabbing unto you to help them stay underwater, you know?

It may well be that making and taking some real space here not only better serves you, it might be the best way you *can* help her.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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