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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Receiving little feedback

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Author Topic: Receiving little feedback
Member # 28747

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ArridDryness     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So recently I started dating again (after a 2 year hiatus). I've always either been single or in an exclusive relationship. I've never done the whole non-exclusive dating thing, but I am now.

A little backstory. I met this girl a month ago through mutual friends. We live in different towns, but have talked every day since we met and managed to see each other about once a week too. I feel like I don't get a lot of feedback from her about her feelings towards me though. I'm not sure if I am a little insecure and want more feedback than is normal or if she is getting kind of lukewarm on our relationship. Like I said, I've never done the non-exclusive dating thing and I don't know what is par for the course.

A few days ago, I connected the dots and realized that she is definitely seeing another guy and not just me. Definitely something that sucked to realize, but it made me want to put the pedal to the metal. I figured, if I don't totally go for it, some other guy will and I will have lost my chance. So I've been in this really forward mindset with her. Asking her out more, trying to be more sexual, etc. I just feel like it is even more one-sided now though. She will say things every now and then that make me feel like she is still interested, but she never comes out and says anything outright. It is always indirect. I guess I just want confirmation that she feels something similar to what I feel.

My preference is to be exclusive with her, but I don't think she's ready for that yet.

Posts: 11 | From: HOme | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you asked her how she feels? It can be awkward, but there's no way of knowing what someone else is thinking without asking them. It sounds like you know what you want and how you feel about her, but you haven't gotten much information from her, so it's time to sit down and have a conversation about it.

"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 106127

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I will second Karybu on this. It is very difficult to know how someone else feels without talking about it. Even though you feel like you've been putting yourself out there more, she may also be unsure of your feelings. It's probably best to have an open conversation.

How do you feel about this?

Posts: 8 | From: toronto | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi ArridDryness,

I also want to give another perspective here, as someone who has dated more than one person at once. Some folks who date non-exclusively may be doing it with the mindset of seeing who they click with and then moving to something more exclusive with that one person, but others do just enjoy having more than one partner.

And if that's the case, having or losing "your chance" may not have anything to do with how your actions towards this woman compare to how this other guy is pursuing her. It kind of sounds like you're setting this up as a situation where you and the other guy are competing for this woman's attention, but in that model her agency's kind of taken away, you know? Like folks above said, the only person who can explain how she's feeling is her, and changing your behavior as a reaction to a perceived "threat" from another man might not have anything to do with what she wants out of the relationship.

Another note - there's really no one way to do non-excusive dating. If the two of you haven't talked about boundaries and expectations around this, I think having a talk about it will probably help your peace of mind quite a bit.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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