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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » We're just "hooking up"?

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Author Topic: We're just "hooking up"?
Moon-Bandits
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Member # 106607

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So a few days back I posted about meeting a new guy and really liking him. Long story short; I slept with a guy from my college I had just met that day, and then I didn't see him over the entire spring break since he was visiting family.

Yesterday I saw him at school for the first time since our night together, and he invited me over to his studio (we're in art school). He wanted to have sex in there, but I felt weird about having sex in his studio, so we agreed to just wait until after our classes. He seemed really happy to see me, and we had a really great time. Finally at like 11 pm we were able to go back to his house, and we started having sex right away. Afterwards when we were cuddling on the bed he said that he didn't want me to think he was leading me on, and that to him we're just hooking up.

He asked me what I thought about that, and I was so sad and embarrassed over it that I ended up saying "Yeah, I dunno" and playing it off like I was totally cool with the whole concept. But in reality I like him a lot and would really like to eventually go further with him.

I don't know what to do, because I still want to see him and all that, but I'm worried that as soon as he notices me getting attached he's not going to want me anymore. Any ideas on how to handle this situation? I feel very stuck.

Posts: 18 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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It sounds like this guy's been pretty clear with you in that he's interested in having sex with you but not a serious relationship. It maybe would have been nice if he'd had that discussion with you a little earlier, but at least he did explain how he was feeling.

Whether you're ok with keeping things at that level is up to you. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a casual relationship/hooking up with this guy if that's what you want too, but if you are feeling stronger romantic feelings right now, it might just get harder as time goes on. Do you feel ok with the idea of a hookup-only situation with this person? Is that something you would be able to be happy with? Or do you think you'd spend your time wishing things were different, or watching his reactions trying to see if you could catch a sign that his feelings were changing?

There's no way to know how he'll react if he finds out that you have stronger/different feelings for him than he has for you, but I think trying to downplay how you're feeling is probably going to make you feel pretty conflicted and sad in the long run. Part of the joy of feeling affection for someone, especially a sexual partner, is being able to show that, and if you're smothering that part of yourself when you're around him just so he won't break things off with you, it seems like you'd be doing yourself a disservice. Of course you can be friendly and affectionate with each other in a casual situation, but since you say you worry about him noticing your attachment I wanted to point that out. Tamping down your feelings is probably not going to make sex or hanging out with this guy very fun in the long run.

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Moon-Bandits
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Yeah, I felt a little upset that he didn't tell me this earlier. I really did think he wanted more than just sex. I do want to try and stay casual with him if that's what he wants because I might end up enjoying that kind of relationship. I've never just hooked up with someone, so I could actually like it.

I am really nervous that I'll be secretly hoping he'll change his mind and want to be with me. I don't know, I guess I just feel really hurt that he doesn't want to be with me. I didn't think I'd react this way, but I've been trying not to cry all day because of it, and I feel kinda dumb.

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Molias
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I don't think that sounds dumb at all - it's a really natural and understandable thing to feel disappointed and upset if you have a certain type of feelings for someone and they just don't feel the same way. And even if you can be close with him in one way, it doesn't necessarily make up for the other ways in which you can't.

It's possible that it only took until recently for him to sort things out; I know you had sex pretty soon after you met. And I'm not putting a judgment on that at all, but it certainly can take more than a day to really sort out a tangle of strong feelings that can come up when meeting someone. He may have been uncertain about how he felt about the situation at first.

Maybe you'd benefit from taking a little bit of breathing space from this guy to sort out how you feel about this situation and what would feel good to you. It's definitely possible that you could enjoy hooking up with him and enjoying that time together even if it isn't what you originally hoped for. But I think it may be good to give yourself a little space from him to think about it a while before you make a decision.

A side note - sometimes in more casual relationships, planning around safer sex isn't talked about as thoroughly as it should be. Have you been communicating about safer sex practices and your testing history? If we can help with any of that, we'd be happy to. =)

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Moon-Bandits
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I think I will take a few days to sort this out...I'm very confused haha. But thank you so much, your advice has been really helpful.

As far as safe sex goes, we've always been using a condom, but I did perform unprotected oral sex on him yesterday, which was a super risky thing to do. I guess I'm not sure how to ask about his history without making things awkward?

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Molias
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I do think it's time to go ahead and have that talk about your testing history, and to go ahead and have a health screening since unprotected oral sex does have a transmission risk for certain STIs. I know these conversations can be awkward, but really by talking with him you're protecting your own health (and his), which is certainly more important than some uncomfortable conversations. This article on safer sex may be helpful; it addresses some of that awkardness:
Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To

I'm glad it's been helpful to talk this out here, and if you need to come back and talk things over later, you're welcome to. =)

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Moon-Bandits
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I'll definitely talk to him the next time we meet up. I know that I was definitely STI free before him, because I've only been with one other person, and we were both tested.

However, I don't know his history, so asking is really a great idea! And again, thank you so much for all your help :-)

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copper86
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Hello, Moon-Bandits (awesome username, by the way!),

I just wanted to check up on you and see how you're doing. To be honest, I am in exactly the same position as you; though I've known this person much longer and we've been seeing each other for a while. If you want to talk about anything, please don't hesitate to do just that. I know exactly how you feel, and I'd love to listen if you want.

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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