Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Ii'm not sure I want to try receptive oral sex

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Ii'm not sure I want to try receptive oral sex
plaidbedding16
Neophyte
Member # 105717

Icon 11 posted      Profile for plaidbedding16     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A few weeks ago, I was making out with my boyfriend of a few months when he picked me up sat me on the couch helped me pull down my leggings, and told me he wanted to "return the favor" from the night before (oral sex). It took me a moment to figure out what the heck he meant (probably I'm just dense), but when I did I told him not right now, and we went back to what we were doing.

I don't really know why I didn't want to try receptive oral sex, but I think it's a combination of him just taking me by surprise, not having tried it before,thinking it would be gross for him, and feeling out of control just sitting their while he performs it on me. A few nights later we briefly discussed the topic again after I had preformed oral on him, and it seems like something he really wants to try. He mentioned that he's gotten a lot of positive feedback on his "performance" (gag) before, and I think part of the issue is that he hasn't ever gotten me to orgasm (this doesn't bother me at all) and him taking pride in his perceived ability in this area. I've managed to put this off for a while.

I guess my question is, without any pressing reason why I don't want to, is it silly for me to not try a sexual activity that is meant mostly just for my pleasure? I don't really want to put in to place a "not now not ever" policy in case I change my mind, but should I continue to turn down his offers? I feel like it's hurting his feelings that he's never really gotten me to orgasm, and I feel bad for not really having any ideas on how to change this. In my mind that's what my "alone time" is for.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't think wanting or not wanting any given sexual activity is silly: everyone gets to have their own preferences when it comes to sex. Additionally, saying yes to something sexual we really don't want to mollify partners generally doesn't nurture a very healthy, happy sexual relationship that's really based on mutual pleasure and mutual desire.

It also sounds like there are a couple elephants in the room here for you two to talk about -- particularly your feelings about HIS feeling with orgasm and you, as well as your own -- which strike me as being a really good idea to talk honestly about before you continue your sexual life together, period.

Before you do that, you might also think about why you're feeling like orgasm isn't something for you to experience with a partner, but is only for you alone; maybe see if you can't get a handle on where that's coming from. Because that's something that sounds like a possible cue to me that perhaps things are moving too fast for you here?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
We can also talk, if you like, about thinking that someone engaging in oral sex with you would be "gross" for them if you like, since whether that's an activity you take part in or not, sounds like there are perhaps some body images issues afoot here that'd probably benefit you to unpack regardless. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
plaidbedding16
Neophyte
Member # 105717

Icon 1 posted      Profile for plaidbedding16     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You definitely brought up a lot of great points...I'm feeling this is going to be a long post. I apologize in advance.

In reply to your first point. I think the biggest issue maybe is that I really don't feel comfortable talking about sex at all. I feel this is really MY issue (as apposed to our issue) because he will frequently try to talk about sex, and specifically our sex lives, and I will shut him down because I am uncomfortable.

I guess my feelings about orgasm are present for a couple of reasons. First of all, as bf has been gone for the past week and a half, the distance has made me realize that I've never been able to feel really comfortable around him. period. After three months, this might sound like a deal breaker, except I know he would be really heartbroken if I told him this, and he has really done nothing to provoke me being constantly on edge. I guess where I'm going with is that I feel really vulnerable when I orgasm (just due to the nature of twitching around uncontrollably)and even if I could get there while feeling so uptight, I don't feel comfortable enough yet for him to see me like that. Yes, I see him like that all the time. Not the same...

as far as his issues... well I guess I really need to talk to him about that.

As far as body issues. Until recently, I was (am still a little) grossed out by my own anatomy. until recently I never touched myself down there, at all, ever, and I remember the experience of having to learn to put in a tampon was pretty awful, just having to look down there. I've grown up a lot since then, but even accepting that my body isn't super gross isn't the same as accepting anyone would ever want to, you know put their mouth down there...

Relating to that, I don't particularly enjoy giving oral, and part of that is I was literally "pushed" into it my first time after I had specifically said no with a really awful partner who I never talked to after that. Yes, that sounds like a much better reason not to want to give oral, but I can deal with that. What I don't want to deal with is feeling like I might be doing that to someone else. Now why didn't I bring that up in my original question? I guess maybe I'm just now considering how that plays into everything.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No need to apologize: always happy to really dig in with any of our users. [Smile]

I hear you, on all of this. The resounding thread through all of it clearly sounds like this is about not feeling comfortable enough yet -- with your partner, maybe in some parts with yourself -- to really be sexual with this partner, or to be sexual to the degree that you two have been.

I also hear what sounds like you saying that even with this partner, you have done sexual things you don't really want to or like. "I can deal with it," is a far, far cry from "I want to do this because we both want and enjoy it." "I can deal with it" is a sentiment that makes sense with taking out the garbage, but not with consensual sex that's totally elective, and about mutual pleasure and desire.

With how things have gone with the two of you and sex, has all or even any of this really felt like it's been going at the right pace for you, a pace that would allow you to ONLY engage in anything sexual you truly want and to feel pretty darn comfortable doing any of that with this partner, including talking about it?

[ 03-16-2013, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
plaidbedding16
Neophyte
Member # 105717

Icon 1 posted      Profile for plaidbedding16     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess it has never really felt like it was going at the right pace, even though I really wanted it to. I remember right at the beginning of our relationship when we were just starting to get intimate (mostly just cuddling) he would ask me. "Does this feel okay? Would you tell me if it didn't?" Even then I knew that I wasn't really able to communicate my limits. I'm afraid to make him feel bad.

Also, I've worked a long time to even feel comfortable with anyone touching me at all (even hugs) and I'd like to think 'I'm all better'. I feel like expressing all my (sometimes extreme) limits is admitting I'm still broken, or that I'm not mature enough for this relationship, so instead I "power through" them. I guess that's why I felt the need to have my limit of not wanting oral sex affirmed by people on the internet. I only want to have 'normal' limits, and I feel bad about my own pace and limits.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, it sounds like you're saying you have wanted the pace you have been doing with this to be the right pace, but it actually hasn't been, and you haven't said anything about that, despite this partner clearly voicing that they want you to speak up about pacing issues.

You know, it seems to me you might have a pretty great opportunity here: you are with someone where it sounds like they really, really want you to speak up. At the very least, they're giving you all the room in the world to do that.

I think going ahead and doing that ASAP, as honestly as possible, would go a long way towards getting you a lot closer to where you actually want to be sexually, you know?

I disagree that expressing limits means you're broken. Healthy people have and set limits. I'd say that staying silent is really more about being held back, or holding yourself back, and NOT setting limits says more about being stuck or staying stuck than doing so. I'd also say that it generally takes far more maturity to be self-aware of limits we want and need, to voice them and to set them than to deny or ignore them and just go along with what other people want, or just go along because we're afraid of rocking the boat, or of not giving someone what they want, etc.

I have no idea what "normal" limits are. Seriously: I've worked in sexuality for around fifteen years now, more than full time, and what limits people want and have is SO diverse, and also so ever-changing. Clearly, you have ideas about what "normal" is in this regard, but I'm betting they aren't actually based on people's realities.

So, how about going ahead and taking that step and coming out with all of this to your partner? Or, if you don't feel close enough or comfortable enough yet to talk about all of it, how about at least being real that no, this pace hadn't felt right for you, and you need to slow things way down so you can become more comfortable over time and figure out what pace IS right for you, and what activities you do really want to be doing, as much for yourself as for him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd add to this, too, that sex certainly can be a healing thing: it has that capacity. But it's not at all likely to do that when it's not something we earnestly want, like, a lot -- that we feel real desire and hunger for, including physically. It's also not likely to be healing or healthy when we're engaging in it in ways that either often can or might do us harm, or which just continue "broken" or unhealthy patterns, like not saying anything about what we don't want, not being honest about what we really like and don't, or trying to make yourself do thing just because we think we should to be "normal."

Those approaches not only pretty much guarantee it won't be healing, they often make it even harder to heal from sexual traumas of any kind.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
plaidbedding16
Neophyte
Member # 105717

Icon 1 posted      Profile for plaidbedding16     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you so much for your kind response.

I gues the biggest thing I've gotten from this is that I really need to speak up... which is going to be incredibly hard for me.

I feel like there is a lot of stuff I'm feeling and I don't really know how to say it all, or where to begin. It's something I'm really going to think about before the next time I see him

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're welcome. [Smile]

Can I help you with any part of that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3