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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » dating month now distant

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Author Topic: dating month now distant
melissa1506
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Hello, I met this guy the first day of february , we hit it off right away exchanged numbers. He immediatly texted me that night saying he was so glad to meet me etc. That tuesday we went on our first date had a great time. We hung out 2x a week since then, ( say a tues and a weekend) and he always text me thru out day and calls to say good night) He acknowleded valentines day with flowers and dinner etc.( I slept with him then) This weekend I met his friends who are a couple we did dinner together. We had a great time, he said he had a great time. Sunday all was good etc.
He has been off from work this entire week , So he has been very distant now out of now where. So i questioned it tuesday I said i notivced you been distant r u okay? If you are not interested any more u can tell me and he reploed " Im good, dont take it personal sometimes i just get wrapped up in my own thing. So then tuesday night I asked him to hang out, he said if he got home from doing his taxes early enought he would and hed let me know either way ( tues night came and went and he never let me know) So wed morning he text me saying he fell asleep.. So now last night he text me on his own if he was home early enought he would pass by and let me know..same thing he never let me know either way ( this behavior is not like him) now today I have not heard from him yet, he hasnt text me I havent text him. Its odd hes being distant , and hasnt made plans for weekend yet or saw me this week. Im upset bc I do like him. Do I contact him? Do i mention this again to him? I am torn what to do!!...We are 28 and 33.( he is 33)

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Karybu
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I don't see any problem with asking him what's going on, although maybe text isn't the best way to do that (it tends not to be a good medium for conversations that need to go beyond "I'm running late, be there soon" or what have you.)

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melissa1506
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hello so the distance got more through out the weekend so when the weekend came he didnt make any plans with me..so sat i asked him what was going on and he said he didnt want to run into a relationship, he said he didnt know what to tell me and not to wait for him he didnt know what he wanted. So I let it go. So monday comes , last night he texts me to come over. So i go there and we talked, he aplologized for his actions and asked if we could start fresh i agreed. We left off he said hed talk to me tomorrow. So PS its 830pm and didnt hear from him yet. I dont know what to think!
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Molias
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Hi Melissa.

It does sound like this person isn't quite sure how he feels about pursuing a relationship with you right now. In terms of him calling you, it's possible that he's not great at sticking to concrete plans or it could be that he used "talk to you tomorrow" as a general "talk to you later" sort of thing.

If you're really interested in pursuing something with him, there's no harm in asking him out on another date, but his behavior and what he's told you so far make it sound like he's a bit uncertain of where his feelings lie, so it may be that he just isn't in the place to pursue a relationship with you right now.

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melissa1506
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I understand that we both agreed we dont want to rush into a relationship , but yet we havent gone a day with out speaking until today so far. Last night we established we deff want to date each other and see where it goes I left there thinking things were good. and now today no text yet, he dont make sense!!
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Molias
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Oh, I see.
A lot of people feel comfortable, in a relationship, not talking to their partner every day; he may be someone who likes a little more space. But the only way you'll know this is by bringing it up with him.
It sounds like you may benefit by having a discussion about your shared expectations for what dating/being in a relationship looks like; different people can have very different ideas of what that looks like and I wonder if there isn't some of that happening here.

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melissa1506
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well the first 2 weeks he text all the time...then week 3 he was super distant..now yesterday was first time he came back and was "normal" and i thought for sure id hear from him today, he always did contact me and nothing yet..i guess this is a convo that will have to come up eventually. As for now all i can do is wait..the nights not over haha
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melissa1506
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So a week has come ...i hing out with him on monday we had a good time he basically said he was interested and just wanted to see where this goes...didnt wannajump into relationship
so the weekend came and yesterday he tezts me " This thing we got going on here obivously isnt working out, what do we see each other once a week? im sorry, dont take it personal Im ( him) am just way to into myself and what i got going on if this makes any sense, and I dont even want to be bootycalls bc that backfires" what does he even mean that hes too into himsellf? i so upset!

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Heather
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Really, I think it just means he's not interested, and he also seems to be saying he feels too self-focused right now to pursue a relationship (which seems consistent with what he's been saying).

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melissa1506
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I agree i think hes just not that into me any more! ahaha..
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Heather
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It might help to know that we're talking about one month here, right?

The thing is, it can often take people that amount of time, and often longer than that, to figure out their feelings about someone, and to even get a sense of what they might or might not want to pursue with them.

Maybe for you, moving forward, it might make sense to think about how quickly you're getting attached to someone, and to see if you can't slow things down, for yourself, and step it all back before you get too invested?

In other words, if maybe, at the very start of things, you treat things with a little more distance, like not texting every day or trying to figure out what someone wants -- and stressing about it -- so soon?

Sometimes, taking an approach like that, where you don't kind of push in in a huge way right at the start, can also let people new to you feel like they have more breathing room, and give them more freedom to figure out how they feel. Not doing that can sometimes mean someone who might otherwise actually want to get involved with you feels so pressured, in a way, to have to have big answers so fast, that the only big answer that feels right is to opt out. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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