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Author Topic: Discombobulated
Alergnon
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*Deep breathe and everything will be somewhat okay*

I… I’m kinda stuck, well I am more so torn than anything. I took myself away from here just to think and figure some things out and to think about all that has been offered to me in light I can see these pictures myself clearly and not foggy. Can I say, the picture has opened more, but it has closed in my face resulting me in feeling discombobulated to the point of panic at some times…

I’m trying to leave M, he isn’t keeping me from trying to leave, what is… is everything we did together, I have been trying to make sense of everything in light of this friendship. I haven’t had engaged in sexual activity with him in two weeks and before that was nearly a month. M and I don’t hang out, chill, talk as much but something happened and I’m having a hard time walking away. I had told M I can just walk away because I have done that a lot in my life because either people have walked out of my life or I had to walk away.

At times, we hardly talked (via text messages) in a week. It’s been a few days since I saw him last but that was for an hour and I was helping him and he helped me.

At work, there is a fast food place and I sometimes go there to order fries or something. A new guy that I never seen before, started to flirt with me, and me wearing my uniform he knew I worked right beside them. After a few visits there ordering and him serving me, I had went for a break and sat in the lobby. He sat across me and started to talk to me and his flirting had started. I laugh in the amount how hard this guy was trying to get me to hang out with him. We exchanged numbers and he asked me for Poutine downtown, then he tells me, “I really like your smile; you’re really bright and cute.” I gave out a loud laugh.

Yesterday, I tried to maybe talk to M because I wanted to talk to him about this guy which is literally waiting to date me but I had told J (the guy who works next to where I do) I needed to talk to M first. I expressed to J that I feel I am cheating on him even though we are not dating but it felt wrong to date J without talking to M.

So yesterday, I was up 27hrs before going to bed and I took a course I paid for only to just sleep through it and write a test and I wont find out if I had passed until 4-6 weeks, and went to bed when I got up. I was torn over the fact I was trying so hard to talk to M in person and not just in text messages. Like likeliness of me talking to him anytime soon wont happen and I am going to be busy come Monday with work then school than sleep, work, school, so on. I was torn and needed to tell M, so I texted him. M took it wrong and got upset over it and basically thought things. This morning, I still haven’t heard from him after he sent me a message he was upset, I apologized and that wasn’t what is happening. He texted back saying he misinterpreted it (of me sleeping with J)

I feel I can’t get peace from any of this in less I talk to M in person. I mean, I’ve never sat down with anyone and explained things before walking away from them, I simply walked away regretting that I never talked to them and people walking away from me. I only want both M and J to understand and me to understand. J understands and he is literally waiting to date me. I just want M to understand why, maybe they’re should even be a why but I feel there should be. I would feel guilty going behind his back and I know M and I aren’t dating but we have had sex, talked, hung out, chilled, those things and from that I would feel I am cheating.

Every time I want to move on and ready to, something happens and I am pulled towards M. I am more upset while I hang with J when he wants to hug me and hold me (which I have pulled away from his arms) it reminds me of M and painful tears shot across my eyes. I just don’t know how to really handle this.

I am ready to move on but me wanting to clear the water with M and I can’t since he is busy this weekend and me being busy, I’m stuck and the only other way is to… I also don’t want to jump right into a relationship with J after all of this, I would feel wrong about it.

I don’t know what I am doing!?

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Heather
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Hey there, Alergnon. I've been wondering how you've been doing.

Honestly, and hopefully this doesn't sound condescending, but some of what I'm hearing here is you simply struggling with becoming an adult and acting like one.

In other words, for sure, cut-and-run without any word or discussion -- with any kind of relationship -- isn't the way we do things with interpersonal and emotional maturity, when we and someone else have invested time and heart and effort into whatever kind of relationship we had.

So, I propose a Plan B to your stuck/either/or:

You DON"T get right into another relationship. (Especially since we've also talked for a long time about you needing time to really focus on yourself, not some sexual or love interest, anyway).

Instead, you tell this guy that "waiting to date you," isn't something he should do or need to do because you have some big stuff you really need to sort out first, and you can't do that well on a deadline. You also tell this guy that for the time being, y'all need to cool it.

Then, you take the time to need to process your feelings about M, talk with M about them and you two then take more time to resolve your relationship in whatever way you both want and need to.

Then you take some time NOT dating. Take a breather. And THEN, should you still have interest in dating J, and should he share that interest, you pursue that.

[ 04-18-2013, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey Heather,

That sounds really simple, but... at the same time, it's not. I don't really want to cut and run, I'm trying my best to talk to M but it just hasn't happened and I need to move on, and honestly for me to move on M and I should/need to talk. I don't want to stop being his friend, overall our friendship is great, with the normal friend relationship issues people have, but we sort it out and work through it like any other normal person (I think).

You may find this... I don't know interesting: M has said, "I need a break." to me and I have said the same thing back to him, which results in little to no contact during that time. After the break, it's like nothing had happened, like we needed to to clear our heads or something.

I've been questioning about the whole dating thing, I mean I do need time to sort my stuff out and then date. I'm going to talk to J about it, and basically say something on the lines of, "I want to be friends for right now and see where that goes, I don't want to jump into anything and I just need space from a new commitment." Is that even... okay to say?

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Heather
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I don't think it sounds simple at all. In fact, I imagine that it will be rather challenging for you. But I'd say that's all the more reason to do it.

But I think your instinct to actually end a thing that's ending, with maturity and care, with intent and clarity, is a very, very good one. And this isn't about cheating or not cheating. It's just about doing any kind of relationship well and living thoughtfully.

Certainly, it's okay to say that to J. Why wouldn't it be?

Personally, I'd suggest an even less mushy limit, which is that you axe the "see where it goes," (especially since no interactions "go" anywhere on their own, this is about people's choices), and stick to the rest of what you were going to say. And I'd say doing that is as much about actually setting and holding a line for yourself -- of not more so -- than for J.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hey Heather,

Hmmm, so I talked to M this morning- did the normal thing we do, hang, chill and I helped him go shopping for his business, anyways, on the way back I talked to him. He told me he isn't mad at me or upset that someone asked me out. He told me will always be friends and do the same things, chill, hang out, help each other, those kinds of things. I felt peace with the world. Then, I told him that J wanted to come over Friday night (tonight) to cuddle and spend the night, which I told J I didn't care if he came over but he isn't sleeping over.

M asked me why not. So I explained why, I told him, well we're good friends and we've had sex and I mean, going from you to him feels weird and wrong.

Anyways to get to the point, M isn't mad at me, I got peace from the conversation and I feel better about the whole thing.

Last night I went into work, someone new who started working maybe about a month ago invited me to go out with him and a few other co-workers to sing, I said sure. Well, since J isn't staying over, I can hang with J than go and meet everyone after. Told J and he got pissed and I said we can hang in the afternoon and I reminded him he isn't sleeping over. I don't understand how he is like pissed, I never blew him off.

Well, my co-worker has shown interest in me now... I don't work with him, I get to work when he is ending his shift, maybe a hour or 30mins before he leaves.

What is wrong with me? I never put myself out there and now not only 1 guy is interested in me but 2?! Do I have a thing on my forehead saying, "FREE"?!I'm actually acting normal, not trying to seem interested but also talk to them.

[ 04-19-2013, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Alergnon ]

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Robin Lee
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Hey Alergnon,

I can understand how it could feel overwhelming when multiple people are interested in you. Perhaps that's because you are being yourself, not trying to behave a certain way for a specific goal, and people like the you that they see?

You always get to say though whether you want to respond to people's interest in you. If it's overwhelming, that's okay; you get to just say "no thanks. Not right now."

It sounds like your conversation with M was really honest and clear. There's no reason you can't continue to communicate with people as clearly, as simply, as that.

About J getting mad: You get to say what you want, and he gets to say what he wants. If the two of you want things that don't match up, that can tell you whether this connection is going to work for you right now. Does that make sense?

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Robin

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Heather
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Alergnon, I'm just getting started here today, but wanted to let you know that I'm really proud of you for having that conversation. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea maybe acting myself and not someone else which they can see and therefore like in me.

You know I know I'm not ready to date or any commitments at this point, at least not right now anyways and last time I dated was 3 years ago. I feel a friendship with someone is easier to manage and handle, but with a relationship it's more then that, not saying I wouldn't be able to handle that, but some of it I may not be able to handle since me lacking in some issues which I am trying to do my best to get past or figure out how to.

I mean these things take baby steps... I feel I improved on some areas but I know other areas need work as well.

Right now, I need to focus on my job, finishing my academic upgrading (for my grade 12 math) so I can go to College, and focus on the friends I have, oh and Mr. Scamper (gerbil) [Razz] and take things easy, I mean if a relationship happens later on than that is awesome, but I know I'm not focused on that at the moment.

Just glad M and I are still close friends. [Smile]

I'm going to eat something and rest, been a busy morning and early afternoon for me... considering I worked all last night.

Thank You [Smile]

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Heather
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Mr. Scamper is a great gerbil name. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I'm extremely angry and maybe I am blowing this out of proportion here but, I have a few questions and correct me if I am wrong in any of this.

Yesterday, I told J we can hang but he isn't sleeping over, made it clear with him. Co-worker asked me to go out with him and other co-workers, I said yes because J wouldn't be at my place all night so I would hang out with J then go hang with them. He got mad. I then offered we can hang out all afternoon, he told me to just hang with them instead even though that wont be till later in the night.

Today I had an appointment, then went home, M picked me up and we hung out and I helped him, I talked to him, he dropped me off, I took a power nap because my boss (store manager) and boss (store owner) had to talk to them about something, after went home and made something to eat and had fluids and went to bed. I got up at 6pm.

He sends me a text message but at this point I was putting Mr. Scamper in his ball because I was going for a shower and I let him run around in the bathroom. Then J calls me, me unaware he had sent a message. He asked me, "are you still going out with your co-workers tonight," I replied with yes. "why haven't we texted me?" "Ive been busy all day and I had no time and I just got up..."

I'm trying to get at is, he was demanding of where I would be with my co-workers and when. I got pissed off, not only doesn't he own me, I am not dating him so he doesn't need to know shit, even when I am dating him, does it matter if I hang out with co-workers.

He is set on coming over here and staying the night, I am not for that, I told him we can hang this afternoon but he made it clear he didn't want to, his loss.

I feel he is controlling and now... I don't know what to think. Maybe he's pissed off or maybe he is a controlling ******* because honestly the way he talked on the phone was like, very demanding.

I felt like I need to hold his damn hand everywhere I go or he goes so he knows where I am... I was going to talk to J about my friend and where I stand with this "he wants to date me" area with him, but I basically told him, that I talked to him and my friend and I are fine, and that I am not ready to date at this point due to I have other commitments.

At this point I'll see what happens but if he wants to be like this and act like this, he can seriously lay off for good.

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Alergnon
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I'm going to talk to Jordan, he is coming over here to pick me up. I hope he isn't a controlling obsessive person over where I am and will be and with who... no way in hell I am going back to abuse of any kind, I stay clear from that...
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Heather
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A pattern I've noticed with you over the years, if you don't mind me observing, is that you often treat very new, not-at-all developed acquaintanceships like they were long-term, ongoing relationships.

In other words, you barely know this person. You are barely getting to know them. If he's being a jerk this soon in the game, that's usually where a person would go, "Okay, nope, no further relationship, even more friendship. I'm out," rather than getting all invested like this.

Listen to how you're feeling here, and notice that feeling all of this is unreasonable? Makes sense. Because it is when we barely know someone. Your feelings here are feeling to trust, not dismiss. They're cues.

So, how about walking away from this whole thing rather than driving yourself bananas over something that really isn't the kind of thing to do that with?

[ 04-19-2013, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I'm going to tell J that I'm not interested anymore and I didn't like how he treated me at all, not only that but I haven't clicked with him, like when people click from the start, I feel awkward around him. Being his friend I'm fine with but he thinks he owns me, but I don't need him to do those things. I mean, I'm fine being his friend but not a close friend and I wouldn't want to hang with him alone for reasons I am scared of from what he told me.

He has assault charges, theft, harassment charges... I for one do not want to be with someone who has been arrested for assault and harassment where not only did it happen once, but I believe he said 2-3 times and how he explained it to me, concerned me for my own safety because he did it in anger of the other and it was a female and said it was his ex and then said he only dated his ex for a week.

I went out with co-workers and the guy from work, he not only is really nice but he is genuine. We relate on certain aspects that really honestly I look for in anyone.

I'm not trying to set myself up or set myself up for anything, but he was married and he is divorced and he said he just got over the divorce and all he really cares about is his 8 month old daughter, he works two jobs... He would do anything to make sure his daughter has a good life and he would jump in front of anything harmful just to protect his daughter (he didn't tell me, but from what he tells me about his daughter and him saying she is his world, that says a lot)

I told him that right now I need to focus on work and school he agreed with me and that him and I should get to know each other before jumping into a relationship which I told him I wasn't declining at all just need to focus on a few things and he was understanding of this.

I'm not sure if I am sounding like I was before, like my other posts when M and I were friends and we did things, if I am, can you let me know, I want to not go back there (not saying M was a bad person, just the patterns you've said you've noticed) and I hope this isn't a pattern either...

Also, how do I tell J I don't want to date him and it wont work and I don't feel a connection?

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Robin Lee
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You don't even have to explain the part about not feeling a connection. All you have to say is that you've thought about it and you've decided you're not interested in a relationship right now. Yes, he might be hurt and he might be mad, but you honestly don't owe him any explanations, especially since things really haven't progressed very far between the two of you and you've really just been in the get-to-know you stage.

How does it sound to just tell him you're not interested in a relationship?

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Robin

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Alergnon
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I think he doesn't deserve to get an explanation really, I mean, I can't put myself in a situation like that, being abused because of his record and I'm not wanting to do anything with that.

I'll post back later to explain what J responds with and how he reacts, I don't want to be in a situation where he is obsessed with me because to me that is what I feel is starting to happen.

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Robin Lee
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Okay. I hope it goes well. Sounds like you're feeling as if it's definitely time to cut this off. Great job following your instincts! [Smile]

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Robin

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Alergnon
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He wasn't pleased at all basically told me to not talk to him and "thanks for screwing me," oh it was a pleasure of knowing you J!

Don't need the crap and I don't need someone treating me like crap either.

On the lines of getting to know my co-worker (we don't work together I go in an hour or 30 minutes before I start and he is still there until he is done) he is understanding of me needing to focus on work and school, he said school is very important and we both want to get to know each other more. Which is really great!

So me focusing on work and school, how would I know when I am ready to date (it's been 3 years since I dated someone) once I get my school done and some of my personal crap cleared, which I've been working on and having Mr. Scamper, it's been helping a lot. How does one know? or is it just one of those things where it happens?

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Heather
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I'm SO glad to see you holding such a good line for yourself.

I know you and M didn't call what you were doing dating, but besides not using that word, I'm not sure I see how that wasn't dating. It certainly asked all the things of you that not just dating, but a serious relationship tends to.

How about doing this: setting aside what you or someone else might CALL dating, what's the longest time period you'd say you've ever gone without being sexual with another person?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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How long I gone without being sexual with a person? Hmmm, 3 1/2 to 4 months. That was when I first moved to Ottawa and then meeting M, it was 3 1/2 to 4 months since I last had any sexual contact with anyone. I know when I first engaged in sexual activity I would always have a partner but I wouldn't of had any sexual contact for more than 2 months before engaging again (mostly with same people I have done before).

But I mean that time period 3 1/2 to 4 months, I didn't know anyone...

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Heather
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So, has that time period felt long enough for you to really do your own work, be your own person, get settled into your life where you are right now?

Personally, I'd suggest taking some more time after this relationship with M. It clearly was a pretty big thing for you, and even though it sounds like you two have slowly transitioned out of it over the last few weeks, I'd think some more space outside of something would probably be a good thing for you before pursuing a new something.

But otherwise, for sure, this is mostly about if you feel ready, as well as if you're interested in dating a given person at a given time.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I really don't feel ready to move on. I just don't know how to, I mean, I was fine and just it happened and now... I'm torn over M again. I was cuddling with my co-worker while we watched a movie last night. I felt completely fine. A tear slid off my check and rolled down. I'm like what the hell? I wasn't upset or anything, they just came, and I had to hide it and make sure they didn't fall of my face. I later went to the washroom, my eyes watery and red. I started to cry then, I cried then when I was aware of it. I wasn't aware of these other tears before. Why?

I then felt horrible, extremely horrible that I was cheating on M, but I wasn't and nothing happened. Maybe my heart isn't there, like my heart felt the cheating feelings. I don't know, I don't want to feel this. I strongly felt I was cheating on M.

While cuddling with my co-worker I felt nothing, just numbness, I couldn't stop imagining M there beside me, I restricted myself from putting my arm on my co-workers chest because I would do that with M, but then I did, it felt like I crossed something. At one point I thought it was M, but it wasn't, what is wrong with me? Why did that happen?

I feel like hiding and it's hard I feel horrible, extremely horrible for what I did- cuddling.

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Heather
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So, clearly, you're not at pursuing new relationships yet.

Sounds like you still need to experience and process your feelings about your last relationship. Like, figuring out that "why" of your own sadness, something only you're going to be able to know. Neither I not anyone else can possibly tell you those whys: they're yours to sort out.

How has it been going with your counseling? have you talked about things like this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I haven't went in a few months. I don't want to do what he wants me to do. Otherwise I am fine in what he wants me to do, like I can handle it and I just can't bring back those memories of my father; he wants me to write a letter to him and read it to him (therapist) and I can't. I would feel unsafe doing so, and I will harm myself if I do. I am stable not going there, I can talk about it to a certain level but I would need to stop after a certain breaking point.

You may be wondering how I've been even working on my own self, it's kinda what you had asked me, to find out the whys, that is what I did and basically figured ways to control or manage my feelings and/or situations, I started simple and moved my way up but also going back to the small areas to improve. I guess it works for me.

I just feel I can't let go of this at all and move on, when I told M I can walk away no problem because I've walked out of peoples lives because it was for the better or people walking out of my life, so I was used to it. What I wasn't used to is that, how much M cared about me and me caring for him. When I said I helped M Friday, I went shopping but he forgot his bank stuff at his business and we got there and he's like "shit I forgot my card at work... okay we're going back for it." I'm like we just got here and you drove here, let me just pay for it and just pay me back." he told me no and he turned his engine on, I then piped up and said "I have $$$$$$ in my bank, let me pay" He's like, "you have $$$$$$$ okay well lets go then."

I wouldn't do that for anyone in less I trusted them on a high level and I knew he would pay me back and he did right away. That's the thing, we both go out of our ways to help each other because of the amount of trust we have for the other. I can't give that up and I know I don't have to, I don't know...

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Heather
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What did he want you to do?

As well, rather than simply leaving counseling, did you not have a conversation about what he wanted you to do that you don't want to?

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Alergnon
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He wanted me to write a letter to my father and read it to him (therapist) and I remember saying "okay" and I went home, thinking I can't do that, I just can't do that.

Since I am enrolled at the College for Academic upgrading I may be able to access their counseling department, even though I am not a "College student" yet but I am there and am one of their students, I would need to find the paperwork and read it to make sure.

I wont be able to go see the therapist for 2 weeks because I am at the College for 8 hrs and then I am going straight home to bed then to work during the night and then going back after my shift. It would be too much for me. I just need to focus on work and school and my gerbil.

I never had a conversation about it with him, something had came up and I canceled, I have made a new one since then, but I canceled that one as well.

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Alergnon
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Something is bothering me and I don't know, it doesn't make sense and I, it's killing me.

I had told M about J and M basically thought I was screwing him because I was explaining to him about J and that I wasn't going to sleep with him and I can't after M and I, which M had misinterpreted my text and apologized later. That was a few days ago.

Today M sent a text message to me (because I usually send him a picture of Mr. Scamper to him) he had asked, "hows the new dinky?" I responded with, "what?" and then asked why he was even asking me that. I don't want to say things that aren't true on his level but I feel he is hurt and he said I wouldn't hurt him, I feel I am. When I responded with "what?" I was confused as to him asking me this in the first place and why he would ask me this when I made it clear with him I'm not going to have sex with someone else just after seeing M and doing those things.

Not sure what to think or do or react.

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Heather
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Have you and M talked about taking a little space and time since the relationship you had -- the kind you had before -- ended?

If not, sounds like that's something you skipped that's probably needed here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Alergnon
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I talked to him Friday about it. But he isn't mad at me, and basically told me, "maybe you can find someone who can offer you the emotional support that I can not offer you."

"And that our friendship will never change if your worried if that will happen because it wont."

I didn't really know how to respond to this, and at this time he was nearly off the highway to go to his business then after he dropped me off.

I kinda pushed him to talk, because I will be extremely busy come Monday (tomorrow) and wont have time to chat, from work to school, sleep and then back to work and so on.

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Heather
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How about if instead of pushing him to talk, you create some space instead?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Hopefully work and school can provide me with a distraction of all this and me concentrating on that instead of everything else.
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Heather
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Well, you also can make these choices with intent.

In other words, you can choose to create and make space, set that limit, and stick to it, distracted or no.

You truly do mostly have control over what you focus your mind, time and energy on. It's not something external that only external things can change. It's something you can change, all by yourself.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea, I know that I have control over these things and to change it or not or if I don't it'll basically remain the same or get worse and if I change it, it will start to get better or improve.

Work and school are my most important focuses right now, aside from social life.

Also to care for Mr. Scamper.

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Heather
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I think it might also be a good idea to go back to the therapist you were seeing, and rather than saying "okay" to something you feel you can't do and just ditching therapy without a word, talk about how you feel you can't do that and work together to do what you CAN do so you can continue the therapy you've needed for so long.

Avoidance: never our friend. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I'm learning avoidance isn't really helping me (me asking for a meeting with the store owner at work to ask him a few questions) and basically have to face it and I should have a long time ago.

I am seeing my family doctor Wednesday so while I am there I'll make an appointment with the therapist I am also meeting with my teacher tomorrow to go over a bunch of paperwork/questions/concerns so I'll ask her about the counseling she had mentioned to the class.

I'll let him (therapist) know about my feelings around what he wants me to do, maybe he has another suggestion for me to try. [Smile]

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Robin Lee
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Sounds like a good plan to get those appointments taken care of and explore what else might be available to you.

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Robin

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