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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Trust, honesty, lies... Working things out

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Author Topic: Trust, honesty, lies... Working things out
WildRice
Neophyte
Member # 45445

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I have trust issues with about everyone that I meet. I usually go from one extreme of being open with them to being completely shut down and disbelieving their intentions are honest. It's hard to say what I will feel... It usually changes with the slightest gesture--words or actions-- that I don't pick up on right away. It's just a feeling of being unsafe.

I've been art journalling, exercising and recently began to see a Counselor at a psychiatric hospital for depression, anxiety, social phobia, sexual abuse and suicidal thoughts. I'm working towards building a healthy relationship with my partner including listening and respecting his boundaries, taking responsibilities for my feelings and actions and practicing self-care. I feel happy with him. I feel close and for once we both can open up to each other in a way that feels natural and not rushed. When I've asked him how he feels he about our relationship he usually responses with something similar to how I feel--positive.

Prior to being conscience about my actions and changing the choices I make, I would have this sinking feeling in my gut that he was lying to me about stories he would tell me. Before I would basically attack him with accusation, start crying and he mostly would response with 'I don't know'.

Since I've began to be more conscience of my actions and words, I've been slowly down on being reactionary and taking the time to understand what he is saying, what I am feeling, what each of us want and need in the moment. Calmly asking for clarification. But the other night, we were talking about cat calling. I told him I've probably only been cat called or harassed in the street once or twice. I asked if that has ever happened to him and when was the last time. Right away, I could sense he was uncomfortable. I was about to say, 'we don't need to talk about this if you don't want to' but he continued. He said that he was grumpy this day and didn't want to talk to anyone. Then said it was last summer (2012) and referred to an event at work that he told me about previously. He was very clear that it happened last year and he was grumpy. He said it a a few times. Anyways, this girl went up to him at and started to chat him up but he said he felt too grumpy to talk and walked away. Then his coworkers chimed in and asked 'why he didn't do anything?' He said, 'I don't know if that's cat calling but that's something I've experienced.'

That's when I asked a question, 'did they know we were going out then?' I was curious. And he suddenly changed his story. He told me he wasn't last year but the year before that. We weren't going out at the time. He said I was just making things up and wasn't listening properly.

I had this feeling in my gut like something wasn't right but in the past, what he said was true. I wouldn't listened properly. I would half pay attention to what he would tell me. I also had difficulty remembering things since my abuse... I told him I'm 80% sure you said it happened last year. Then he told me again that it was the year before that.

I pushed the feeling away. I should trust him, i thought. We began to cuddle when he said something to me that triggered me remembering how adament he was that it happened in 2012. And when I asked him when it really happened he said 'I don't know.' He's said this before when I had that gut feeling he was lying to me but he was so adament that he was telling the truth. I would just badger him to no success of him telling me anything other than 'I don't know'.

I told him, 'you've said that before when I've had this feeling.' He was tweeting about being in love with his ex, how only they could experience true love and he was merely waiting for her. Also when he lied to me about talking to her. It wasn't that I didn't want them to talk. It was the fact that he felt it was so important to stop talking to her. He told me I don't want her in my life because I have you in my life. He began to talk to her secretly. He would always reply with 'I don't know.' when I asked him what happened or why he did it.

He finally broke down and confessed that he did lie to me about the date. That he was cat called last year. I thanked him for telling me the truth and it made me feel a lot better. He told me he felt like it would have made me insecure so he changed it around. I told him that when he lies to me like he did I feel crazy, like a bad person and that in my opinion what he did was manipulative. He apologized and said he would work on being more honest but he hates confrontation. Then after a while I asked him what he thought he coworkers meant and said, I don't know! They are mean! He's not a nice guy! I don't know what he meant! I don't know!

I then asked him if he was honest about his tweets about his ex and their relationship. The first time I asked him about them, he told me he wasn't even aware that he was tweeting them. He said that his phony is glichy. This time he confessed he knew what he was doing...

I feel like it's difficult to create a healthy relationship when he lies to me. I feel intensely insecure again. I understand why he lied. I had a feeling he did and I wanted previously to create a safe space for us to share our thoughts and feelings. But I feel worried, hurt, anxious... He's otherwise a great guy but then that sinking feeling sets in. I want to acknowledge I feel like growing up I've been conditioned to believe that every man is out to hurt me. My auntie raised me from a young age. She experienced a lot of sexual abuse growing up from the men in our family and taught us when we were younger than men will take the things they want from women and that they will get it no matter how many times we say no. I know this isn't true but for a loong time I did not feel safe in the presence of any man. I also experienced a lot of broken relationships with parents, siblings, uncles that were damaged from dishonesty or in my opinion betrayal since I can remember....

We've had conversations about our relationship model. I've told him before how important it is for me that our relationship have honesty. And in turn, he's told me how he's felt about our relationship. That's when I decided to make the changes like going to counselling, taking responsibility for my feelings, exercising, journalling, etc. And make my priority for building a healthy relationship with him. He told me felt like that is was possible. He seemed to understand...

I don't want to do... I know this isn't the 'worldest biggest problem' by any means but it is so worrisome for me... Part of myself working this out is putting this out there though... so don't mind me. Though I like the idea of someone understand or reading. lol

I know continuing to work on my trust issues is key but at the same time... I don't know how to do this when I can't trust my boyfriend to tell the truth... He's the only person I can call and safely talk to when I have panic attacks. He knows how to calm me down when I have flashbacks. I feel like he's the only person who actually loves and cares about me... at the same time, I think he doesn't. It's so complicated.

I'm starting to feel like there's no point in maintaining any relationships with anyone.

Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey, WildRice.

Can I first ask if you've brought all of this up with the therapist you're working with?

Clearly, you've got a handful of very complex issues I suspect are a big part of how you're feeling, and I feel like they're going to be much better equipped to suss out a) what about this is about your stuff, and what's more about the relationship itself, b) to help you figure out if an intimate relationship is even something sound for you right now, and c) if so, what the best ways are for you to cope with all of this and work with the feelings you're having about the relationship right now, as well as with the dynamics within it.

One big reason I say that is that for sure, if you are struggling with feeling suicidal, with anxiety and with insecurity it is going to be very challenging for you, and a partner, to be in an intimate relationship. I can understand why these kinds of dynamics have been happening, and probably how confused and scared your partner might feel about trying to figure out how to interact with you in situations like this.

So, it seems to me your therapist is truly the best person to start with this with, rather than us.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WildRice
Neophyte
Member # 45445

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Yeah, I only recently starting seeing this new therapist, or clinician as she referred to herself and we didn't talk about this yet... I'll be seeing a new on next Monday. Only because the one I've see before is not in on that day.

I've tried two others before with no luck. I find it hard to find people I'm comfortable with... Writing things out helps me... I was just looking for support but you're right. I should be discussing this with someone else. I'm sorry.

Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You don't need to be sorry at all. It's just that there's enough delicate stuff with some of the issues you're grappling with that I don't feel capable or right about advising you with this right now without you being advised first by someone with more education and training for those specific issues, that's all.

In other words, I don't want to give you advice that I'm not very sure will help, rather than potentially make a bigger mess or hardship for you with any of those issues that just aren't issues I feel qualified to work with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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