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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » how do you know when it's "right"?

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Author Topic: how do you know when it's "right"?
Prozac
Activist
Member # 79657

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Hi,

I've been in a LOT of sexual relationships, from the time I was fourteen until now, at age 22. I didn't really like any of the guys I was with and I feel like I kept having sex even though I didn't want to just because I felt kind of obligated to. Everybody around me was having sex, see, and I felt pressure to do the same, and then once I had sex with one guy, I felt like I couldn't say no to any of the rest of them. Now I am aware that's not true and I can always say no, but here's the thing:

I'm finally in a relationship with someone that I think is a good guy. Instead of immediately taking my pants off, we slowly made our way from just talking to hand-holding to kissing, and we're still on kissing and we haven't even explored from the neck down yet. I am happy with this arrangement and have told myself that I will only have sex again when I really, really want to, genuinely want to, and not because I feel obligated.

But how do you KNOW when you want to? I don't think I ever have in my entire life. How do you decide, yes, I want to have sex with this guy, and then how do you find the right moment? I've been asking all my friends and they just keep saying, "I don't know, it'll just happen," but that answer doesn't help me at all. What if I jump into a sexual relationship with this guy and it's because I thought I wanted to but I really didn't? What if I don't do that, but I never want to have sex with this guy?

HELP!

[ 02-26-2013, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: Prozac ]

Posts: 68 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Hi Prozac,

I think it sounds great to take a step back and evaluate how ready you feel before having sex with your current partner. I'm really sorry to hear that your previous sexual experiences haven't been something you've really wanted or been enthusiastic about. I really have to disagree with your friends - I think waiting for sex to "just happen" or not can often lead to having sex when you aren't entirely ready to. This article has a great take on that phenomenon: When Sex "Just Happened" and How to Make it Happen Instead

As you're thinking about being more sexual with your boyfriend, I'd definitely take a look here: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist I think it's a really useful look at all of the different things that should, ideally, be in place before becoming sexually active. Since it sounds like your experiences with sex have been so negative before, I'd definitely take a close look at the relationship/emotional section so you can feel safe and supported by your boyfriend as the two of you move forward.

Right now is a great time to start talking to your boyfriend about this. Not that you have to give him the full run-down of your sexual history, but if the topic of sex does come up between you, it may be helpful for you to say that you haven't had the most positive sexual experiences and are really looking to have only sex you want and are excited about moving forward. If you do decide to be sexual with him, the only way to know the "right moment" is through talking with him about it!
And if it turns out that you don't want to have sex with him, but think you might later but not now, then the only way he'll know for sure (and you'll know he knows) is to talk to him about it.
If you need some ideas on how to talk to your boyfriend about sex, this is a great place to start: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

I know that's a lot of links to read, but I think they'll all be helpful. =)

Posts: 1320 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Prozac
Activist
Member # 79657

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Thanks Molias! I will be sure to read those links.
Posts: 68 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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