posted
I don't know what to do. As stated in previous posts I'm truly at a loss, and all odds are against me. Because I came out about being molested as a teen not only has my mom chose my stepdad over me, but my brother (my step dad's son) has turned on me. He hates me and denies being related. My little sister still talks to me ( his daughter), she and my brother are both teenagers. My full blooded sister is off and on with me really. She is nice to me one day and mean the next, and my mom won't even talk to me . If she does, its through my little sister ( the middle man) she doesn't physically speak to me. Because of my stepfather I'm not welcome into the house. I live on my own now anyway, but I cannot even come over to visit.
Years ago, my parents tried to convince me that nothing happened between my stepdad and I. I decided to push my feelings and pain under the rug for my mom. It didn't make me feel any better, only worse.. this past father's day I came out about knowing what happened and not wanting to go on pretending I'm okay when I'm anything but. I was sick of buying him gifts, calling him and putting on an act just for my mom and the kids... when frankly my mom has never been close to me and rarely showed she even cared for me. My mom even told my older sister " If Alexis just apologizes and says she made everything up I will forgive her and move on.'' Obviously that isn't going to happen. I can't go on pretending I'm crazy and letting him think he got away with what he did to me. I can no longer bring myself to that.
I've accepted what's done is done, but the only time my heart is most pained is the Holidays. I hate not having a family. It was hard enough not having my real father in my life.. then to make matters much worse my mom found a man who abused me. She failed to protect me, and blames me for everything! I deeply and desperately long for a family. I did everything for my family, I was basically their slave. Growing up I started changing diapers when I was 7, I did all the laundry, cooked and cleaned the whole house. If I didn't I was threatened, If I stood up for myself I was mistreated or abused. I was never appreciated, so its kind of hard for me to even gather what a REAL FAMILY is even supposed to be like. I just know what I see on tv, even having a family 1/4 of the way normal would be nice. I'm longing for a family I can call my own.
They've never been supportive of me. My step father always called me an idiot. He would tell me how I'll never amount to anything or ever make them proud. I feel every relationship I ever encounter never lasts long. I'm pained and ashamed. For I never dreamed I'd be where I am today. 0 support , 0 that understand..
I'm slowly dying inside. I have a current boyfriend whom I have been with for 2.5 years. He hasn't proposed and is in serious debt, Idk what I should do? He says he wants to marry me, but can't stay out of debt to save his life. LOans upon loans come into this house, and he rarely pays any of them and if he does he immediately takes out a loan to pay that loan. He makes about 4,000 a pay and has nothing to show for it but an empty bank account, and low credit score. NOTHING I say gets through to him, and I know in my heart I deserve better. I just want something I can rely on, something I know is real and for sure. Part of my mind is telling me I just need him to propose to me so I can have a family,, the other side of me doesn't know if that's such a good idea. I know he can change, but he doesn't want to bad enough. He's almost thirty ( older than me) and one would think his actions are that of a 20 year old. PLease , any advice to me would be incredibly appreciated and helpful.
-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Oh Destiny'schild, I'm sad to hear you're going through this and feeling so alone. The holidays can be a tough time, as they are, for so many people, wrapped up in tradition, and it's assumed that everyone has family to spend them with. I know it doesn't make up for what you are missing, but are there some nice things you can do for yourself over the next couple of weeks? Even something simple like spending the evening in bed with a good book or movie and a box of chocolates (or other favourite snack)?
What other supports do you have? Friends? Colleagues? Members of your partner's family?
It's terrible that your mother expects you to deny your own experience, your own painful experience, so that she doesn't have to think about it. I can imagine how rejected and lonely you do feel.
IN terms of what you should do in your relationship, it sounds like you're seeing your partner's chronic debt, and his nonchalant attitude towards managing that debt, as a red flag. I also hear you expressing that you don't want to be alone. Perhaps it might help for you to make a list of the pros and cons of staying in a relationship with him. What do you think?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Thank you for your response. I'm currently also going through what I consider to be some form of an eating disorder. I either eat very little or can't control my portions. One extreme or the other. If I do eat a lot I feel horribly guilty to the point that I either exercise a ton or "punish" myself by not eating much if at all. I'm currently 5'2'' 105 lbs and feel guilty whenever I eat chocolate, or any sweets at all. When I'm stressed I either eat as little as I can get by on, or more than necessary. For some reason I also feel guilt whenever I go to bed early, which is often times alone. My boyfriend travels for his job.
My partner's parents are very kind, however sometimes I feel I overwhelm them with the issues their son puts on me. Many times they've tried to help him, but he's landed himself back at square one. Although I've tried I can't seem to wrap my mind around his situation. I just don't understand why he does such foolish things. I do feel/ have felt very rejected in nearly every relationship I've encountered in life period.
I think the pros and cons list would be beneficial. However, I'm almost afraid to make the list, knowing already there's going to be more cons (than pros). I don't want to be alone. I've tried everything to help him. I always seem to attract the men who need "fixed", when in the end I end up needing help. I am lost in desperation, waiting, searching for acceptance and satisfaction. It is so hard, words can't even begin to define just how lost I feel.
-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
Hey, Destiny'schild: I'm around today if you want to talk some more.
I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this, and also so sorry to hear that, unfortunately, your family seems to be handling abuse within it the way that all too many families do, which is very badly.
How about we see if we can't help you come up with a plan to cope with all of this, including getting you connected to some local help and services?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hello. Sorry I wasn't on the other day. I've talked to someone on here before who suggested getting local help, and helped me contact someone locally. Needless to say I've only been to maybe 6 sessions, and all the lady does is play phone tag with me. I am really going through something here, and I feel like nobody knows or understands....
-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
You certainly are: this is giant stuff, and stuff people need big help with.
Would you like me to do some poking around to see if I can't find you other local options? If so, it'd be helpful to know what resource the woman you're talking about works with/through so I can be sure not to give you reruns.
Let me also check: do you currently have access to general healthcare, wither per insurance or public health? If so, as soon as the holiday's passed, I'd strongly suggest starting with a visit top a general practitioner. That's for help with the disordered eating, but that person also might be helpful in getting you referrals for mental health care, too.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Thank you. She finally called me back, and I'm supposed to have an appointment next week. Lately I've been thinking more and more that maybe I'm better off alone. I'd hate to give him an ultimatum, but I think he needs to go to debt counseling or lose me. It's just reality and I'm trying to save myself the hurt.. I feel like we lost something we once had, maybe the spark as left. A part of me wants it back, the other part doesn't care either way. It seems as if EVERY relationship I ever encounter never lasts. I always attract the guys who need "fixed", and continuously blame myself . I know in my heart I do everything to make my relationships work. I fight to keep them together, and they miserably fall to pieces
-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
He also lies so much he starts to believe it,has gambling problem, and is the biggest procrastinator I've ever met.
-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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Even though you're in a position where you need a lot of support, if your partner is making things harder for you I think breaking up with him isn't a bad plan. He obviously has his own issues to deal with, things you obviously don't need on your plate right now.
Glad to hear you got an appointment, let us know how it goes.
Marion
Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
HI Destiny's Child,
It sounds from what you're saying as if your partner isn't contributing much to the relationship at this point. What do you think?
What do you feel like you need to do to give yourself the most space, time, and energy to do your own healing work? Put another way, do you feel like your relationship can support you in that healing work or that it's taking energy away?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
SmittenKitten: Thank you very much. I'll be sure to let you know.
Robin,
Thanks, I agree with both of you. I honestly told him that he needs to get it together VERY SOON or we're going to have to go our separate ways. It's unfortunate, but that's reality. I think there is a chance to rekindle what we had, but how much of a chance? NOT much. Thanks again
-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
So I recently made a big change for myself to start the new year off better! I broke up with my bf and along the way met a man who is the total opposite. I now feel more happy and positive. It was a big decision to make, but there was no other way out thanks so much
-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
That does sound like a big change, but it also sounds like you're happier.
Glad to hear it.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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-------------------- Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over. Posts: 264 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008
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thanks so much
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