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Author Topic: Always Initiating Conversations
MusicNerd
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Hey everybody! Sorry in advance that this post is super long. I haven’t been able to get on here in a while.

In another thread, I had mentioned planning to meet up with a guy (let’s call him Andy) I had a crush on at the beginning of the year after I had recovered from mono. Well, at the end of winter break I messaged him online saying how I felt much better and how I’d like to get some coffee with him sometime. He said that sounded great and we agreed on a date and time. Well, I didn’t realize that another event I wanted to go to (that was most likely never going to happen again) was going to happen at the exact same time. Well, I messaged Andy like 2 days before we were planning to meet explaining my situation, and he said we could meet that weekend since weeknights tend to be busy anyway. Then, he unfortunately finds out a few days later that he has the flu, and I told him not to worry about it and we could meet sometime later when he’s feeling better.

A week later, I talked with one of my friends (let’s call him David) about how I like this guy and want to check in on him and see how he’s feeling, and he says to just message him again since I haven’t talked to him in a week. This is where part of my problem comes in: I asked David if he thought it would come off as too much for me to initiate a conversation with him again, and he said no. So, I went for it and messaged Andy and we ended up having a really nice chat online. We weren’t having just one-word responses, they were long and in-depth; and we both seemed interested in how the other was doing and what each of our clubs/activities were and how he wants to see my acapella group perform and things like that. He also was a lot more animated in his chats than he normally has been (ex. lots of exclamation points, etc).

Then, towards the end, he informs me that his laptop’s about to die (and he’s not in a place where he can charge it) but he’d like to go to a restaurant near campus with me sometime. He said he’d call me or something and I asked, “Wait, do you even have my number? Haha” and he checked his phone and realized he didn’t have it and asked for my number. Then I gave it to him and we said bye.

Fast-forward a week later and I randomly get a concussion. This means that for about two weeks I couldn’t read or go on the computer (which is why I haven’t been on here in a while) or go to classes at all. Now, I’m going to be returning to classes tomorrow (and I’m obviously able to go on computers now, but for limited amounts of time). One part of me is telling me to just move on and "If he calls, he calls. If he doesn't, he doesn't. For real, it's not the end of the world"; but another part of me wants to check in on him and see how he’s been since he hasn’t called or anything and it’s been almost a month now since our last conversation. And frankly I just like talking to him, since he’s a really nice person and I just feel so comfortable around him.

My problem is that I feel like I would come off as clingy or creepy if I started up another conversation with him since:
1. I’ve been the one initiating all our conversations thus far (I don’t know if he’s shy or just not interested anymore) and I feel like communication should be a two-way street, you know?
2. I gave him my number in the last conversation, so if he was interested in talking to me, there would be nothing stopping him.

So I guess at the end of this lengthy post, I’d like some help in addressing this overall question: How can I stop over-thinking situations involving crushes? I’m just so damn tired of feeling like one little thing I say or do is just going to screw everything up between me and another person. Any advice would be appreciated. [Smile]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Posts: 301 | From: a galaxy far, far away... | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MusicNerd
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I've thought about it, and I'm not gonna initiate another conversation. Frankly (now that I'm finally back at school, and am slowly starting to feel a bit better) I get to see my friends now and I have a bunch of other things to do with my time now. And if he wanted to talk to me he could but it's not actually the biggest deal ever if he never does (though it's a bit upsetting, not gonna lie). I guess I just needed a place to vent about this whole thing? I don't know.

But I guess I still would like some advice on my question at the end of that previous long, rambling post about what to do when over-thinking these kinds of things. It's just so annoying, since in other aspects of my life I tend not to fret this much about things. Also, in the past I didn't normally give this much thought to my crushes before I came to college. I just don't see why this is so different, and I don't want to keep doing this.

[ 02-20-2013, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Posts: 301 | From: a galaxy far, far away... | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MusicNerd
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Sorry about this! I feel like I sound so ridiculous… It shouldn’t be like this, right? This is so awkward since these are multiple posts in a row (I wish I could just edit my last two posts instead of doing this), but I have an update:

So, I talked with a close friend of mine the other day (one I've known for almost 7 years) about my current situation. She said that it's not entirely unreasonable for me to think that he's interested in me, considering that he was the one who suggested dinner and asked for my number. She suggested that I message him online in a casual way along the lines of, "Hey! So I've been out of school for a few weeks and have been trying to catch up with some of my friends lately. Would you like to meet up sometime this week?" to see if he still wants to hang out; if he says otherwise, then I'll know my answer for sure.

Also, I figure since he gave me another chance after I asked him if we could reschedule the first time, maybe I should give him a chance with this? I mean, it has been almost a month that he hasn't called, though... Part of me is thinking he was probably interested at the time, but lost interest as time went on or found someone else that he’s more interested in instead.

The only thing is that if I did message him in a casual way, I just don't want to come off as desperate or something and have him think, "Jeez! Can't she take a hint?" or "Wow, is she that into me? Good grief..."
It’s fine if he’s not interested in seeing me (since I’ve learned that there are plenty of other fish out there), but I just want to know if this is the case for sure. Frankly if he wasn't interested, I would've just preferred that he at least make up some dumb excuse or something instead of asking me out; it would've given me more closure, you know? Definitely more than just saying how he wants to have dinner with me and being all enthusiastic in conversation and then not calling. I mean, really: When someone’s laptop is about to die, who then decides to ask someone to dinner if they don’t want to talk to that person?

I just want to have an answer for sure, since I just don't wanna waste my time thinking about someone if they're not thinking about me either. On one hand, I don't wanna be that passive chick that is expected to wait for the guy to call; but on the other hand, I think communication should be a two-way thing, since I've initiated the last few conversations.

So would it be wise for me to just move on and not message him at all and assume that he’s not interested, or should I just go for it and message him?

[ 02-22-2013, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Posts: 301 | From: a galaxy far, far away... | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Hi MusicNerd,

I think the script your friend suggested will work well; it's pretty casual and low-key but also initiates an in-person contact which will give you a sense of whether he wants to pursue more of a relationship (romantic or not) with you. But I would definitely attach a concrete plan, the way you did before with the coffee date, because otherwise it's so easy to just go back-and-forth with "let's do... something! sometime!"

In general, I think if contact initiation is *always* one-sided in a relationship, it can signify that one person is much less interested than the other, but it does sound like the contact you've had has been friendly and enjoyable for both of you. And who knows what's going on in his life - he might be busy enough that he thinks "oh geez, I have her phone number but can't even think about that now because of all these other things" or he could be shy about calling you, or any number of things.
It sounds like you've connected well in the past, so it seems like it's worth a try! And if he doesn't respond this time, I'd probably let it go until/unless he decides to pick up contact again. There's really no way to know if his not contacting you at the moment is due to disinterest or distraction or some personal crisis you don't know about, but I think if you give it another go and don't hear back, it's probably not worth your time worrying about it (easier said than done, I know).

I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of tuning out that urge to over-think these situations. I am definitely an over-thinker myself! I do think the more often you initiate these half-exciting, half-anxiety inducing conversations with crushes or people you admire, the easier it gets. People won't always be able to give you a sense of closure, but you can work towards being happy with yourself and the rest of your life that your default response to someone else's disinterest is "well, you missed out on the Awesomeness of Me, tough luck, I'm moving on now!"

Posts: 1316 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MusicNerd
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Hey Molias! Thanks so much for your response!

Yeah, I'm gonna let it go if he doesn't respond this time. I'm also gonna probably ask him to coffee again this time, because it tends to be more flexible with people's schedules than say a lunch/dinner and I know that some of my friends still have midterms this week even though spring break is next week.

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Posts: 301 | From: a galaxy far, far away... | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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