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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Orgasm issues....:/

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Author Topic: Orgasm issues....:/
Frenchiex
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I hope I've started this question in the right place I wasn't really sure where to put it - I hope this is ok..it comes under relationships I guess.
The problem is...my boyfriend can't make me orgasm and...I'm not doing anything about it. We've been together 9 months, we love eachother and I can get him off fine. I'm 17 and he's 18.
With my last boyfriend he never gave me an orgasm, and with my now boyfriend he gave his last girlfriend a couple I think from what he's told me, but I'm a little bit harder. My sisters dont have this problem and they say if I don't sort it out now it's only going to get worse. It's supposed to be fair and all that and I agree! I can get myself off fine but it's hard showing him, we have tried that and it only works when I basically do it myself and he's just there. Is it important? He's only been able to do it once and that was with my help. I want him to be able to, but every time we focus on me it takes so long and either I say it doesn't matter or it just feels awkward after a while. We've tried attempting it when I've been really turned on but when he tries it it just doesn't feel good. I have to keep moving his hand and he feels useless. The thing seems impossible, like we'll never be able to figure it out and I don't bother with it because it's not worth the hassle and I am happy anyway. But I guess in the long run I would like him to be able to do it... any suggestions? THANK YOU !

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T.T.French

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Robin Lee
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Hi Frenchiex,

Other than not having orgasms through partnered activity, do you find that you get other physical and emotional enjoyment from the sexual activities?

Can you maybe also say some about what makes this important to you? IN other words, how would things be different if you had orgasms as a result of sexual activities with your boyfriend?

It might help to know that this is not uncommon, for people of all genders. For some people, what they need in order to reach orgasm is so specific, or so variable, that it's something they can most easily do for themselves. It's also not a bad thing for someone to give themselves an orgasm during partnered sexual activity. Reciprocity in partnered sexual activity isn't always just about people doing the exact same things "to" each other.

I'm wondering what your sisters mean by this only getting worse if you don't sort this out now. Can you shed some light on that for me?

In terms of what you've tried, it sounds like you've tried having your boyfriend watch you, and you've tried guiding his hands. Have the two of you experimented with other sexual activities, such as oral sex?

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Robin

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Frenchiex
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Yeah I do enjoy sex and emotionally all thats fine and satisfying.
I guess I feel it's important to me because sex should be fair and he gets orgasms all the time and I've had none haha plus if he managed to do this for an ex I think I'd like that as well particularly as we're such a close couple. I guess I would just feel a little more closer with him - he wants to be able to do this too and it makes him feel really rubbish when he can't. I have tried doing it myself during sex but I can never really get it right or the "other feeling" is too distracting. I've only been able to do via clitoris action.
What my sisters meant is that he'd stop trying or stop caring about it so if I just let it go all the time so would he.
Yeah he is getting good at oral sex and it feels great but not quite....orgasm stuff. Which is strange because it does feel really good so I don't know why I don't get an orgasm out of it :/
Do you think we'll ever be able to sort this out?

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T.T.French

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Frenchiex
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I still really don't know what to think? Sorry to keep bugging you Robin xx I know you have loads to do xxxx

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T.T.French

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Alexalex
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Have you talked to him about it much, and made it clear that it's important to you that he learn to help you orgasm?

I say "help" because, for some people, it can be nearly impossible for someone to just GIVE them an orgasm while they lie there passively. They might need to thrust their hips and clench their muscles or even use their hand to add stimulation during sex (you can also try having him use his hand to add stimulation) or guide the other person's hand/head/body. It can take a lot of practice. At the same time, putting pressure on both of you to "succeed" here will only make it harder. Let him know that you want to experiment with some different ways of giving you stimulation and if one seems to be working well, roll with it. Focus on "what feels good right this moment" and not "what will get me off eventually."

You can also take whatever techniques you use when you masturbate and try to transfer them over to partnered activity, and also, vice versa. If you usually get off by doing all the work with your hand, try moving your body more and your hand less, and when you're used to that it might be easier to get off using his hand (since it won't matter quite so much that he hits the perfect spot every time.) If you use a vibrator, you can let him use a vibrator on you- that's probably the easiest way since the vibrator does pretty much the same thing no matter who's holding it ;-)

And remember that just because he was able to give his ex orgasms doesn't mean he's trying less hard with you- you just have different needs than his ex did. Something that drives one person wild can do absolutely NOTHING for someone else (but it can be hard to leave those techniques behind if they worked well before, haha.)

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Frenchiex
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I have talked to him about it and he's sincere that he wants to do it for me, but every time we try he just feels like he'll never be able to do it and I have to reassure him it's not that important or something. We haven't really tried again recently. I didnt realise that I might be one of those people who have a really hard time like that so that makes me feel better thank you [Smile] I like the idea of using my body more and my hand less I guess I could practice that and try a different technique that he could apply a little easier rather than the constant changing pressure and position which is always the issue.

Thank you again for your help [Smile] hopefully we'll get it eventually!

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T.T.French

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Alexalex
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Practicing a different technique for masturbating also seems to train your body to be more "flexible" about what it likes, and that can definitely help. (Easier said than done, though, it takes a lot of willpower not to revert to your old standbys, haha.) Good luck!
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Frenchiex
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Ok just remind me I've got try not to use my hand more yeah? And try get to orgasm doing something else? [Razz] such as? XD

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T.T.French

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Robin Lee
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And you know, it's also okay if the times you have an orgasm when you're with your partner aren't when you're engaged in intercourse. It might be at some other time during your sexual activity, before intercourse, or after. That's okay. There's no one way that people are supposed to have sex. [Smile]

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Robin

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Alexalex
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Or just use your hand differently :-) Or try a toy or prop (clean, please! Or covered by a condom, that makes it easy.) Some women enjoy dry-humping a pillow or other object, which can sort of simulate the motions you make during sex... and you can also try combining different activities or just changing position (facing down instead of up, maybe.) Water from shower heads or running faucets is popular too, though that's not super reproducible for your boyfriend, haha.
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Heather
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Hey, Frenchiex. Know I'm a little late to the game here, but I also wanted to point out something additional to keep in mind.

A person can't actually "give" another person an orgasm, in the same way a person can't "give" someone a heart attack. (Even though some of our mothers may have told us we nearly did this to them at least once in our lives. [Razz] )

In other words, an orgasm is a physical response, and it's not one even we can control, let alone someone outside our bodies.

An orgasm can occur as a result of sexual things we're doing with someone else, but it also may not occur, even when, say, on Tuesday, a partner and us did X, Y and Z sexual activity in a given way and we experienced orgasm, and on Thursday did the same things the same way, and yet we didn't reach orgasm that time.

I feel like keeping that in mind can help nip feeling of a lack of fairness around this in the bud.

For sure, if you're listening to your partner and exploring what they like sexually, but they aren't doing the same for you, that's an imbalance ya'll need to work out.

But if you're asking them to try certain things with you, and they are, but an orgasm isn't happening? Not their fault. Nor is it yours. It's not anyone's. Again, orgasm isn't something we or others can control, or we or others can make happen. It's something that happens or it doesn't.

So, maybe there's a kind of "unfairness" afoot here, but if so, it's just about his body reaching orgasm more easily than yours right now. But all our bodies are different and all don't do the same things, so if so, then the whole works isn't "fair," but there's very little anyone can do about it. Get what I mean?

It also sounds like maybe you need to tune out some of what your sister's have been telling you about partners just giving up. Maybe that's been their experience with their partners -- or maybe they're just making stuff up! -- but that doesn't mean it will be yours.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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