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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Valentines Day :/

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Author Topic: Valentines Day :/
MaddleyLove
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hey [Smile]

just wondering if I could get some input on some conflicting feelings im having about valentines day [Smile]
it was my first one yesterday, so I was understandably excited [Razz] me and my boyfriend had told eachother what we were getting eachother, so we both knew. all I wanted was a present from the heart, I don't need expensive gifts. however, when he gave me my present, I couldn't help feeling as if he hadn't put much thought into it, and just got me generic presents bc that's all he could think of. I also get the impression he didn't like my gift very much [Frown]

we haven't been intimate for weeks, I get the feeling he doesn't really want to sometimes, he hasnt initiated anything for awhile, and im starting to feel that he finds it abit pointless doing other things if were not having sex :/ (I plan to get the implant next period). another thing which actually really hurts me (I was surprised it affected me so much!!) was the fact that, recently, he only lavishes affection on me when we talk about the sex we'll have when I get the implant :'(

I guess what I need is for someone to help me understand why he could be being like this, and why I feel so selfish for not being more grateful for my gifts :'(

Posts: 177 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI MaddleyLove,

You know, regarding the gifts, you're entitled to feel how you feel. That is, it's okay to feel bad about it and to feel like the gift-giving didn't go the way you wanted it to or hoped it would. Sometimes, when we give ourselves permission to feel things, without passing judgment on the feelings (such as worrying if they're selfish) we can experience the feelings and they get to run their course.

As to what you're experiencing in your relationship around sex and intimate interactions in general, have you and your boyfriend talked about this at all? None of us here can tell you why he's doing what he's doing, or what he might be thinking. [Smile] The best way to find that out is to talk to him.

Yes, it feels awkward, and it could be an uncomfortable conversation, but it sounds like wondering and worrying is also uncomfortable, yes? So, what do you think about sitting down awih your boyfriend and sharing your concerns about how you've been feeling and what you've experienced in your relationship over the past few weeks?

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Robin

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MaddleyLove
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Hi, Robin [Smile]

yes, youre definitely right about the gift-giving, I realise now that I need to just let these feelings run their course [Razz]

im not sure how I would start a conversation about why he seems to only show me serious affection when we talk about sex- I don't want to upset him, and he has a tendency to sulk about things which don't go his way :/
I don't want to be a person who tries to keep in peoples favour with sex- ive always been the kind of person to give gifts or attention to people who I want to keep close, but that was when I was little [Razz] sex is so much bigger and complicated than just giving silly presents, I don't want it to become something of a commodity for me which I use to gain favour with people [Frown]

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Robin Lee
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Well, it sounds like you're upset about the way discussions and actions around sex have been going. I can certainly understand you not wanting to upset your boyfriend. At the same time, there are two people in this relationship, and it sounds like you're not overly comfortable with the way things have been going around sex.

If I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like you decided to wait on specific sexual activities until you got your implant, and that you've been picking up from your boyfriend that he's not happy about waiting. Please tell me if I'm not understanding that correctly.

I'm also a little confused. Is the gift-giving from Valentine's Day related to your questions about your boyfriend's behaviour around the sexual part of your relationship?

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Robin

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MaddleyLove
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no, you have that second point completely right [Smile]

in response to your last point, oops, sorry, no they are not specifically related, I just rambled a little bit, writing down everything I feel around both of those issues [Razz] however, when I think about it, both situations, the one about the valentines presents and the feelings around sex invoke the same emotion of.... unfulfillment? in me [Frown]

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MaddleyLove
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by MaddleyLove:
[QB] no, you have that second point completely right [Smile]

in response to your last point, oops, sorry, no they are not specifically related, I just rambled a little bit, writing down everything I feel around both of those issues [Razz] however, when I think about it, both situations, the one about the valentines presents and the feelings around sex invoke the same emotion of.... unfulfillment? in me [Frown]

my uncomfortableness around sex is not to do with my boyfriend- he treats me well, respects my boundaries and I feel safe with him [Smile] its more to do with my fears about pregnancy every time we have sex, despite using condoms :/

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Molias
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It's possible that having the implant will make you more comfortable (and you can certainly keep using condoms; many people feel even more secure doubling up on birth control methods) around sex with your boyfriend.

One thing that does stand out to me, though, is that you say your boyfriend seems to be really focusing on the sexual aspect of your relationship and isn't giving you the attention you want at other times. Also it sounds like he's not that interested in non-intercourse sex from what you said in your first post. And assuming that you might like other sexual activity, or are excited about the nonsexual parts of your relationship and want him to be more invested in that as well, it really isn't surprising to hear you saying you're feeling some unfulfillment.

I understand not wanting to upset your boyfriend, but right now it seems like you're trading off the possibility of upsetting him for the definite case that there are things you need from a relationship that you aren't getting right now. And that's not fair to you at all. Also, I think if he starts sulking because you have a conversation with him about how to make this a less one-sided, focused-on-him relationship, that's on him and not on you. Part of being a good relationship partner is figuring out how to make sure everyone in the relationship feels supported and listened to, even if those can be difficult conversations.

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