My last post was about STD testing; I wanted to get a clean bill of sexual health so I could feel safe about her and I having sex without a condom. The tests all came out negative, and so we moved forward.
She broke up with me this morning, and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I kind of ran my mouth last night about some things I had never said to her before -- like that I wanted to seek out sex with a skinny woman (she's, y'know, not skinny) and that I hadn't been sexually attracted to her body lately. We had talked about the possibility of having an open relationship, where we can have occasional sexual experiences with other people, early on in our relationship, and agreed basically to talk about it later, after the relationship had proven itself a little. So it wasn't completely out of the blue, but what a terribly hurtful thing to hear your boyfriend say to you, right? I kind of hate myself for feeling this way and for telling her that's how I felt.
I had a very cozy relationship with this girl. She mirrored me back to myself wonderfully, told me I was wickedly hot and a great boyfriend and a major, major source of good things in her life. And now... she doesn't feel that way so much.
That's not all that I said. If that were all, she'd have made her peace with it, I think. I told her, straight up, that I didn't want to date her, didn't want to be responsible for making her feel better when she's down. I don't know WTF came over me. This girl... she's my new gold standard for romantic partners. The two months I've had with her have been the best first two months dating someone I've ever had. She's kind of a national treasure, in my eyes. (Definitely a local treasure, without a doubt). She's funny and resiliently cheerful and confident and she's had a hard life and as a result she's tough and grounded. I brought her around my family and she loves them, thinks they're awesome, and they like her too. She just... there were so many high points, so many outstanding days and nights of affirmation and physical and emotional closeness and laughter and feeling safe and loved. Except for maybe the last week or two. When I began to lose interest in sex with her and to wish I could have sex with a skinny woman. When I started to enjoy our time together less; when she was sometimes in a bad mood and I couldn't get her out of it. When it stopped being fun, maybe. (That's a line from an Ernest Hemingway story I've never read; a guy breaks up with a woman, telling her "it stopped being fun." That's terrifying -- I don't want to be that guy).
The terms under which she'd be willing to date me (we got very specific about it) are: have a date night once a week or so, go out with a group of friends now and then (this is potentially problematic; I don't always do well in groups. Sometimes I get downright miserable in large groups). Have sex once a week or so. She's totally down with me having outside sexual experiences, she just wants to be my only girlfriend.
All I have to do is say yes. But she has to believe that I *want* to date her. After the things I said last night, she's (justifiably) having a hard time trusting that I truly want to date her. Hell, *I'm* having a hard time trusting that I really want to date her. Maybe, if we started dating again, I'd just start to feel unsatisfied again.
I haven't been able to sit down and have a serious talk with her about how I feel toward her and what I want in our relationship, without my half of the conversation becoming circular and self-contradictory and "maybe this... but maybe again that...", et cetera. Can you help me draw some definite conclusions here? She's agreed to meet me one more time and hear me out, and since it may very well be the last time I ever talk to her, I'd like to be as clearsighted and loving and true as I can.
[ 02-11-2013, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: When Your Mind's Made Up ]
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
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Well, I think it's hard for us to know what you're feeling here, but after the things you said to your girlfriend I can understand why she is feeling upset.
In terms of having an open relationship, I realize that there are many many ways that people go about it, but in general I think that if one relationship is on shaky ground, opening it up is not going to help matters any. You say that she'd be ok with it under certain circumstances, but I think even if you do give this a go, you should have a much more detailed conversation about the boundaries involved. What does she mean by saying she wants to be your only girlfriend? Are there "girlfriend-only" activities she'd uncomfortable with you doing with someone else? It sounds like there is more to clear up before you try this.
Here's what stands out to me: while you have a high opinion of your ex-girlfriend, you aren't sure you really want to date her again. Also, you were pretty clear with her (and seem pretty clear in this past as well) that your sexual attraction to her isn't that great and you'd rather date someone with a different body type. Based on those two things, I don't think you'd be doing either of you any favors to get back together with her right now.
Maybe you have a handle on this already, but unless you know why you weren't having fun or were feeling bored with her before, I don't know that this will change. It sounds like you need to take some time to think about the negative things you said to her and get to the root of that - if you are still feeling those things, even if you recognize a lot of great things about her and about your relationship and will miss them going forward, it doesn't sound like this is the right person for you to be dating.
Posts: 355 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013
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