Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Decisions decisions

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Decisions decisions
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Even though I been talking to my boyfriend of several years, I don't even think I can call him that anymore because it just doesn't sound right. We never talk on the phone, we barely txt, and now we barely spend time with each other. The sad thing is I don't even care anymore. I have a new interest and he makes me so happy and he keeps my mind off of the bad that I could be going through. We have been talking for almost a month and I have developed strong feelings for him. It's like I don't even care if my ''boyfriend' see's us talking anymore. We have a connection where as when we kiss, I feel the passion and everything but when my 'boyfriend' and I kiss its like blahhhh!!! My mind is somewhere else right now & I don't think I can control the feeling have for my new interest anymore. What do you think about this and what should I do ?
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Bbk2k11,

Well, you're making it pretty clear that the spark and interest has gone out of the relationship you have with your boyfriend. This can happen to people, and doesn't make either of you a bad person. I think we often think of relationship endings and breakups as catastrophic, or at least emotion-laden, events, but that just isn't the case for everyone and for all relationships.

If you and your boyfriend have been together for many years, it may just be that you're such different people now from who you were before, that there's just no or little connection between you.

Whatever the reason, it really is okay, and again, doesn't make either of you bad or wrong.

So, how do you feel about talking about this with your boyfriend, seing hwhere his head is at with all of it, and telling him what you want?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm scared because even though my boyfriend has cheated on me in many ways before and hurt me countless times, It would be difficult for me to tell him how I feel w/o possibly hurting him.
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, when we become intimate with people, we all risk being hurt or disappointed, and we're going to be at one time or another. It's just part of the deal of getting close.

I think the trick with things like this is to figure out if what you want to express is intended to cause someone hurt or pain, or not intended to do that. And with a situation like this, where it sounds like your feelings are changing, it might help to think about if the shoe were on the other foot, if you'd want someone to still be with you who was losing interest, but didn't tell you about that, and just kept going through the motions, saying nothing, because they didn't want to hurt you.

You probably also felt hurt when your boyfriend broke an exclusivity agreement with you and was seeing other people without telling you, so you've got to know that being dishonest with him in that way is going to hurt him, too.

Seems to me either way is likely to cause some hurt, but in my book, honesty -- especially when it's delivered with care and kindness -- always beats dishonesty every time. It also sounds to me like you two are pretty much over at this point, whether you say it out loud to each other or not, but if this is a relationship you value or have valued at all, being real about that and closing the door together so you can really move on is a lot more loving and respectful than just fading away, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's just so hard, when you been with someone for 7yrs, it's hard to break that bond when you build so many memories together!! Sometime I wish you can have your cake and eat it to but that would be selfish on my behalf. However, even though I love him very much, it's not right for me to act like everything is okay when I starting to catch feelings for someone else. I just wouldn't want to see him with anyone but hey that is just me being selfish again [Frown]
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I hear you expressing that that bond, to some degree, has already BEEN broken, though. I mean, when, for instance, you don't care if he sees you pursuing a relationship with someone else (and you aren't poly, you have an exclusive relationship), that tells me you're already considerably out the door and that bond probably started dissolving some time back. I mean, if you don't tell each other some of the most important things there are to tell anymore? Then I gotta sit here asking myself, "What bond?" [Frown]

By all means, some people DO make agreements to have open relationships, and that works for some. But it usually doesn't work when people can't be honest with each other, when communication is busted, rather than very good, and when one or both people aren't invested much in their primary relationship anymore. You also seem to be saying you'd be okay with you having other partners, but not with him doing the same, so we can know an open relationship isn't something that'd work for you.

You know, we also don't have to totally have NO relationship with people when one kind of relationship isn't working anymore. For some of us, our very best friends, maybe even people we consider family, were once people we were in sexual or romantic relationships with. And our memories always get to stay ours even if we don't build any new kind of relationship at all: it's not like a breakup or even a total split, where we don't ever see each other again at all in any capacity, wipes our memory banks.

Sounds to me like at the very least, especially if you both value this relationship as much as you say, it's time to at least start really talking and being very honest with each other. I think doing that honors your relationship, again, way more than dishonesty, or just kind of leaving the relationship to drift off into nothingness. It also sounds like with this new thing of yours, and him going outside relationship agreements in the past, you two are long overdue when it comes to being real with each other about what you want and how things are going.

I know those talks and that honesty is hard, it's always hard, but I'd say doing that is something that far more acknowledges a bond you care about, or have cared about, than the alternative.

[ 02-02-2013, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for helping me understand !!
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're welcome.

Since it sounds like communication may have broken down in this relationship, do you need any help initiating or having these discussions with your boyfriend?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3