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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My academic future depends on getting over this breakup quickly

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Author Topic: My academic future depends on getting over this breakup quickly
Captain Troy Handsome
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I was in a very happy long term relationship (2 1/2 years) up until a few days ago when my partner told me they couldn't be happy with monogamy any longer. We had discussed poly relationships in the past, and I had been clear with them that I simply couldn't be happy that way: I am the child of a mentally ill woman and was raised in a household that despite my parents best efforts, I never felt as though I got enough love. Due to certain triggers relating to this, I don't think I could ever be happy sharing my partner.

Well, they've finally chosen polyamory over me. They want to take a break from our relationship for a month and be able to have sex with whomever they wish during that time. I think they're hoping that I decide to give in and share them with others at the end of that month, but that would be a hugely negative experience for me.

While I've been for the most part happy, our relationship has been unhealthy over the past few months on many levels, so it doesn't come as a huge surprise to me. That doesn't take away the pain though. I have been feeling suicidal since then (we started discussing this 3 days ago) and have had the urge to self harm. Neither of these is new to me, and while the pain feels unbearable, I know I am strong enough to survive.

My big problem? It's finals season and I'm taking an intensive integrated 16 credit program of microbiology, chemistry, and calculus at my college. I don't know how I'm going to keep my grades up with just 3 days to study for the chemistry exam and no will to live. I know that if I do poorly, I run the risk of getting kicked out of the program and not being able to participate in the next 2 quarters (I was a mediocre chemist to begin with).

Is there any way I can get myself back on track until the winter holidays when I'll have proper time to mourn? I know I can't make it go away permanently, I just want to make it through with my grades intact so I can take the ecology class going to Ecuador next year and eventually fulfill my dreams of saving the planet.
What do I do?

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Hello, I'm Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue. Please state the nature of your emergency.

Posts: 18 | From: Washington | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Member # 25425

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Welcome back, Captain Troy. I am so sorry to hear about what happened. But, it is absolutely awesome that you know your own boundaries and needs so well. It can be really tough to stick to your guns in situations like this, so I hope you give yourself enough credit for knowing what you need in a relationship that's healthy for you.

The first thing I would suggest that you do is to visit the counseling center at your school. You are certainly not the first student who finds themselves in the middle of a break-up during finals season, and I am sure that they have some tried-and-true suggestions and ideas for figuring out how to cope.

Another thing that sometimes works for me when I am feeling rough but need to keep it together is to set aside a time for myself to be a mess. I schedule myself a couple of breaks in the day where I can write in my journal, watch a movie that makes me feel good, etc, and that helps me to concentrate during my work the rest of the time.

How are you doing with friends and/or study buddies? Do you have anyone that can help keep you motivated? Maybe you can set each other small goals with studying and then check in, quiz each other, etc. Working with someone else can make it easier to set your own things aside and focus.

I hope some of that is helpful for you, and you make it through your finals! My fingers are crossed for you.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Redskies
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Captain Troy, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. What very bad timing.

This might be a really obvious or daft question, but I'd ask - if you've been through challenging things before, what works for you? What skills or methods do you have for keeping yourself together enough to get through something important? I mean, some people might do better with trying to "forget" the whole thing while they're doing their study, and others might find strength from being determined that they'll get through it in spite of the situation.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Captain Troy Handsome
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Member # 93689

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Thanks for the responses.
Yeah, I plan on going to the counselling center pretty much as soon as class lets out tomorrow.
I think one of the biggest challenges is that I've done nothing but have time to be a mess, and I don't know how to pick myself up and say "ok, it's time for a study session" when I can't even imagine life being worth living.
As for what I've done in the past, self harm and long periods of not bothering with my work were a large factor.

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Hello, I'm Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue. Please state the nature of your emergency.

Posts: 18 | From: Washington | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, Captain Troy. So sorry about your breakup. [Frown]

Do you think it might help if your study was a little more social? In other words, might this be a situation where you feel more motivated to do it in a study group or with a buddy of some kind? Maybe that also could help you feel less isolated right now, too?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Captain Troy Handsome
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Member # 93689

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I've managed to get through my first final all right, but it's been a ridiculously arduous task. I couldn't sleep in my own room last night because it's killing me knowing that they come home after midnight every night. A friend took me in for the night, but said that she can't be doing that as a regular thing. I'm concerned because I was legitimately suicidal last night and I don't know how to get through the next week and a half and get all my work done when they're all I can think about!

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Hello, I'm Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue. Please state the nature of your emergency.

Posts: 18 | From: Washington | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skiesofgreen
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Member # 46170

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Did you ever manage to get in contact with your school counseling or academic advising? Not only are they likely to have suggestions on how to get through the next week but they can also see if there's anyway to adjust exam times/due dates to help you manage better. I can't say how your receptive your university will be, but in my experience both counseling and advising (and professors for that matter!) have been very receptive to accommodating extenuating circumstance, which given your emotional state it sounds like you're experiencing right now.

Also, for right now, is there anything you can do to give yourself a bit of time off to relax?

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WesLuck
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Yes, if you're feeling suicidal when you're trying to study, I, and I think almost all others would say that definitely classifies as "extenuating circumstances".
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copper86
Peer Ambassador
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Captain Troy,

I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. I know what it's like to go through a relationship break-up and have midterms the next day and that week, so I definitely understand how you must have felt. If you want to talk, please let us know. [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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