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Author Topic: I don't know what to do
his87love52910
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is it possible to be addicted to a person? Because for the past six months I've been really struggling with a break up I've had. I understand that there should always be some sadness involved but it's been six months and absolutly nothing has changed. Me and my ex boyfriend, had been dating almost a year and a half. After we broke up I realized what a mistake it was. And I've been trying to win him back ever since. The problem is that he does want me back, yet he still talks to me. Even when we first broke up and weren't talking I couldn't stop thinking about him. I feel like I NEED to see him. Like no matter what I do I feel incomplete without him. And not in a lovey dovey way, but in a dependent way. I've been miserable for the past 6 months and now he's back in my life and I don't know what to do. When I see him I'm so happy. Then I soon as I leave I still feel that emptiness. It's like a cycle. I see him and I'm happy, I leave and I'm sad. Then for the next  few days in literally depressed, I don't eat or go about my normal  
activities. And then I'll be ok for a few days. Then I'll realize that I still want him and he'll call me and ask to see me and I just can't resist. Then the cycle starts all over again. I just don't know how to stop it. I'm left with nothing to do but feel helpless. I feel like  
I'm crazy for feeling 'addicted' to him. But I hope there is a way to stop this pattern.

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Robin Lee
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Hi his87love52910,


Have you ever experienced this type of pattern before? How do you relate with other people such as friends and family? That is, do you feel that same type of dependence in other relationships?

If I'm understanding correctly, you want to have a relationship with your ex again, but he doesn't want to have a relationship. yet, you're also saying that he wants to spend time with you. does he want to be friends with you?

It also sounds like he's initiating the meetings between the two of you. You always have the option, as hard as it is, to tell him that you're not able to see him right now. Given how miserable you feel afterwards, it sounds like that might be a good first step for you. What do you think?

What do you think you most miss about being in a relationship with him?

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Robin

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his87love52910
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I have a really good relationship with my mom and brother. Unfortunatly my dad really isn't around much, he's an alcohlic and doesn't come home unless it's like 2 am. And with me and my ex he is usually the one initiating us meeting. Whenever I try to he says no. And I've tried telling him I don't want to see him but then I regret it about two seconds later and realize I really do want to see him. I really miss him, even though our relationship was rocky at times I feel like the good out weighed the bad. I miss how he made me laugh like no one else can and how happy and complete I felt with him. And we always had a great physical connection too. Unfortunatly that still has carried over to the present. Sometimes when we hang out we still hook up, which just makes me more attached to him.
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Heather
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So, it sounds clearly like the issue here is that you're not finding yourself able to yet let go of this, even though he has, save that it sounds like he's still contacting you because you make sex with you available to him. Does that sound about right?

One of the biggest tenets about a truly good relationship is that it makes us feel really good about ourselves. I'm guessing that you're probably feeling pretty lousy about yourself in these interactions with this person you're having now, yes?

[ 01-22-2013, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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his87love52910
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I mean I guess he's using me for sex. But in reality he can have sex with almost any girl he wants. And he knows that. He even knows how I still really like him and yet he still cones around and has sex with ME. And he leads me on too. Like he says were just friends but then we have sex, and he still talks about 'us' like when we were dating. And he'll move my hair out of my eyes and give me a look then come over and kiss me. He'll even play with my hair and cuddle with me. He makes me soooooo confused. And yes I feel really lousy, he makes me feel like nothing sometimes. Like I'm a puny spec if dust and absolutly nothing more. Sometimes I even feel like I'm in this bubble, like it's just overwhelming and it's kinda like bein suffacated with feeling absolutly nothing. Whenever I reel like this I can never concentrate on anything and I just feel miserable.
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Heather
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Well, you're a person making sex available to him, so if he wants to engage in sex, and he's comfortable having it with you, why would he choose someone else? Or, if he is also choosing others, why NOT also choose to have sex with you?

I'm not sure this is about "using."

After all, it sounds like he's been clear he doesn't want more than sex with you -- he doesn't want the romantic/dating relationship you do anymore -- and you know that, and have been agreeing to that knowing that, right? That doesn't mean he's using you, just that that's all he wants, and you clearly want something more.

But it also sounds like he knows what "works" with you around this, and if you're around, and he does this stuff, then you're going to agree to sex. Sex that is making you feel pretty crummy, from the sounds of it.

So, I don't hear that there's anything awesome about this relationship, or that the 'good outweighs the bad." Maybe it felt like that once, but it sounds like that time is past now, am I right?

If so, and given how you describe feeling, it seems to me that you're going to need to set some hard limits here and be the person to say no to hanging out with this guy and continuing to interact with him.

If that doesn't feel like something you have been able to do and you have tried, maybe we can talk about what you can do differently this time? Like, for instance, if you didn't before, letting him know you need to be done, and you need time away. Like telling him NOT to contact you, and making clear you're not going to sleep with him anymore. You might also ask family and friends to help you hold this line for yourself?

[ 01-22-2013, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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his87love52910
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It's not even that he knows what works with me. Cuz he knows I'll sleep with him anyways. I just don't understand why he has to play with my feelings so much.

And yes I think it's time to say goodbye. And the thing that makes it hard is that if I ask him if theta a point to me liking him he'll say I don't think so or not right now. So of course that leaves me hoping he'll change his mind at some later point in time. I'm just secretly hoping if I stick around ling enough then myb his not right now will turn into a now....

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Heather
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I think the answer to your first question right now is because you're letting him. [Frown]

Really, it sounds like you're making clear with your behavior that *you* don't care about your feelings and caring for yourself. And when we do that, we also tend to send pretty clear messages to other people that they don't have to care, either.

Now, people who really care about us in general won't exploit that because they can get things they like or want. But alas, not everyone really cares about us, tough as that is to accept sometimes.

I think you know already that not only will continuing at this not result in him changing his mind, but that it'll only cement him not having the kind of relationship you want, because this is what HE wants. And at the end of the way, you two don't want the same thing, but the way this is is hurting you, not him.

So you've got to go to bat for you since it doesn't sound like he's going to do that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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his87love52910
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It's always been about HIM and what he wants, even when we were dating. He sees it the other way around but I think he's wrong.
Thank you for your time, I really appreciate it [Smile] now I just hope that I can be the bigger and stronger person and say good bye.

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Heather
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Well, sounds like lately it's also been about you trying to get what YOU want. But being very unlikely to get it.

And honestly, while I get having emotional attachments to people, hopefully it's at least starting to become clear that the relationship you DO want probably isn't one that would be anything close to awesome even if he DID, you know?

But until you let go of this, you're not going to be able to really explore and seek out the possibilities of that kind of relationship with someone who DOES want it and with whom it really WILL be awesome.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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his87love52910
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Yes. I know, I've even tried being with other people and I just couldn't do it cuz I wasn't over him... And yeah I realize the realationship wouldn't work out how we both deserve it to anyways.
I was talking to some friends the other day also and they mentioned something about counseuling and me being depressed.... It kind of left me wondering if counseulingcwas a good option or if i really was depressed.

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Heather
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You know, people don't have to be depressed to get or benefit from counseling.

On the whole, the biggest reason most people seek out counseling is simply because they feel stuck in a given way, or all ways.

So, if counseling is an option for you, there's certainly no harm in giving it a try to see if it helps you out or not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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his87love52910
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I might give counseling a try. Thank you so much for your time, it really did help me alot. Thanks again soooooooooooooo much
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Heather
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I was happy to help: you're welcome. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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