Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Not sure what to do about this guy...

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Not sure what to do about this guy...
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, I’ve still been looking at this online dating thing despite the fact that I’m still not 100% comfortable with the idea.

I really never wanted to do the online thing, and still haven’t told anyone but my therapist that I even made a profile. But I’m having such a hard time meeting guys in person, I guess I broke down.

I’ve been talking to a guy on there for a couple weeks, and he seems really nice. So far, the only 2 problems I’ve found with him are that he’s a little bit younger than me (2 years, which probably isn’t that big of a deal) and that I met him online.

A few days ago he asked me if I wanted to meet this weekend. I gave myself a day to respond, because I wanted to feel out my feelings on the subject and make a decision I was comfortable with. When I responded, I said yes.

I was ok with that for the rest of the day, but when I woke up the next morning, I absolutely didn’t want to do it. But I decided to wait to cancel until I talked to my therapist.

When I talked to her, I was adamant that I didn’t want to go, and after I messaged him I was going to delete my profiles and focus on living my life. She encouraged me to do whatever I felt was best, but warned me that once I canceled I couldn’t take it back. Then she proceeded to remind me that the last few sessions, I had spent a lot of time talking about how much I wanted a relationship, and had so much trouble meeting guys in every other way. And she said I needed to make sure I wasn’t just nervous. And she’s right.

The thing is, normally I really want a relationship, but I’ve noticed when a possibility comes up (that’s not started with me knowing them in person and liking them first), I automatically start picking the guy apart and think of a reason to cancel. I feel like a lot of the times in the past those were valid, but I’m really not sure about this time. I realize I agreed to get coffee with him, not marry him, but you know…

And even if he was a great guy, I’m still wondering if this is a good idea. Because what kind of person constantly thinks and talks about wanting to be in a relationship, but then runs like hell at the first sign of one? I clearly have some kind of issue with this, and sometimes I wonder if I should work it out first, but then on the other hand, how am I going to work it out if I keep up with this pattern?

I’m really not sure if I should cancel or not. On one hand, I really don’t like the online thing. If it turns into something serious, I will have to lie to pretty much everyone about how we met, including my mom, and I really don’t like that.

But on the other hand, what if I’m passing up my “shot at happiness”? I keep trying to trust my instincts on this, and a lot of the time they’re negative. But I can’t tell if that’s just nervousness or my feelings about online dating, and if I should ignore them or listen to them.

Normally, I would talk something like this out with my mom, but I can’t tell her because she thinks all guys online are axe murderers. Which is another downside, because I kind of feel like (with day to day stuff, not private stuff) if I can’t tell my mom about something, I should probably strongly consider if it’s the right thing to do.

To summarize, I’m stuck. I really want to cancel, go on with my life, cancel my profiles, and hopefully meet someone in person eventually. But I keep wondering, what if this is my shot at happiness and I’m passing it up for stupid reasons. Thoughts?

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey Atonement,

I'm wondering if it would be helpful to talk about your reservations about meeting people online, versus in person. You mentioned your Mom's opinions on meeting people online. What other reservations do you have?

I hear you valuing meeting someone in person over meeting them online, and I'm curious to hear more about that.

The end result is the same, after all--going out for coffee with someone and getting to know them better than whatever medium you met them in would allow you to. After all, you'd likely not get to know someone you met in a class any more than you'd get to know them online before having that one-on-one time together.

As you said, this is only coffee and it doesn't commit you to anything more than coffee this weekend, just as going out for coffee with someone you met in class wouldn't commit you to anything more than that one coffee date with them.

I hear you doing a lot of all-or-nothing thinking about this, so I think starting with what makes you feel so nervous and, I'd even say guilty, about going out for coffee with someone might be a good start.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I guess a big part of it is the directness of it.

I really prefer situations where I can develop a fondness for someone before things cross over into the romantic sector. In a situation like this, where we are meeting specifically with the intention of seeing if we're into each other, the pressure is on. And in situations like this, i kind of have a tendency to unconsciously force myself to like someone.

I know this is really weird. But I also keep telling myself that if something like this makes me so uncomfortable, why on earth should I make myself go through with it. But then the other voice is saying "if you keep this up, you'll never meet someone."

I'm thinking maybe I should cancel, and that I probably need to work on this with my therapist before I go pursuing anyone...

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You know best what is going to make you feel most comfortable. [Smile]


In the past, how have you developed fondness for someone before things crossed over into the romantic realm? I think you're saying that the people you had romantic feelings for were friends before that. Am I understanding that correctly?

How do you think you'll feel if you cancel this meetng for coffee?

What about if you cancel your online dating profiles?

What do you think about changing your profiles to specifically say that you want to meet people and get to know them first before considering it a romantic thing?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Exactly. I've rarely actually liked a person without getting to know them in a situation where I only saw them as friends first.

I guess maybe when I'm feeling lonely, i will wonder how it might have panned out. I think this is one of those situations where I need to just trust my instincts instead of trying to rationalize my way around them.

I don't think I'm going to close the profile out completely, just freeze it to where no one can view it or contact me until I switch it back.

I've noticed having an online profile has had a kind of negative effect on my. When I'm lonely, I'll start surfing through profiles instead of doing something I'll enjoy. I check my messages too often just so I can get the feeling of validation when someone messages me. I think I need to at leas take an extended break from it and evaluate myself.

But the more important question is, what's wrong with me? I keep thinking that I need to trust my instincts, and that when the right person comes along it will feel right. But what if it won't. What if the real issue is that I have some kind of phobia of being pursued, and I'll never be able to enjoy dating even though I eventually want a relationship?

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm with Robin on the "the is only coffee" score.

Personally? I think you should go ahead and have coffee. You're not committing to doing anything beyond that, after all, and I feel like just stepping a bit outside of your comfort zone for something so safe would be good for you.

It can be a lot easier to be scared or apprehensive about things when they're abstract and we build them up in our heads. In the light of day, they're often a whole lot less scary.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
One more thought from me: Working things through in therapy can be great, but often all the therapy in the world doesn't do us much good if we also don't put things into action in our lives.

So, knowing that you do have some things that you need to talk through in therapy, but also that going out for coffee is not a life-or-death (or till-death-do-us-part) experience, I would also encourage you to put less significance into this and just go and have a good time.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey, all! Sorry for the long response! I was gone for part of the weekend, and lost my password.

I decided to take your advice and not cancel. I'll tell you how it goes!

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wishing you the best for it...and remember, no matter what the outcome is, for now it's just coffee out with someone. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, you guys were right.

I went with the full intention of going with an open mind, but leaving as soon as I finished my drink. I ended up staying for several hours instead, and I had a really good time. I actually feel a little silly for being so dramatic now.

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ok, so I decided not to contact him myself because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out again. He didn't contact me for a couple days, and I was actually thinking he wouldn't and was kind of happier that way.

Then, he contacted me a couple minutes ago.

The thing is, I had a really great time, and I had fun talking to him, but I wasn't really attracted to him. Not to mention, he is a couple years younger than me, and in a few of the conversation topics, it showed a little bit.

The thing it, I've been experiencing this kind of weird but nice level of peace, where I finally don't feel like I need a significant other. But I'm afraid it's not going to last, and then I'm going to regret not going on a second date. But then, I really don't want to see myself short if I'm just not feeling it.

What should I say to him? I feel so clueless and unconfident with all my responses, but i've never actually been in this situation, where I went on a first date and don't really want to go on a second.

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, it sounds like you enjoyed coffee with him, and maybe would enjoy coffee with him again, but aren't interested in dating him. Even if you do end up feeling again that you really want to have a significant other in your life, it sounds like it wouldn't be him, since you really just didn't clikc with him that way.

So, would you like to see him again, as acquaintances-that-could-turn-into-friends?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Honestly, not really.

I feel like it would be a little awkward. Not to mention, now that the semester's started I don't think I'll have much time for things like that anyway. It's only the 3rd day of school, and I've already had 2 meetings, with another tomorrow. I kind of don't think I want to put the time/energy into maintaining a friendship so far outside of my schedule.

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay.

So, if you don't want to see him again, then you just do a "Thanks for calling me and I had a good time meeting you, you're lovely, but I think I'm going to focus on school for now..." or whatever.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
When you say it, it really does sound like a no-brainer. And given that that's the reason it's taken me so long to reply, It's really the truth.

I've noticed I have trouble making even the smallest decision when it comes to guys without consulting someone else first (you, my therapist, a friend or family), and that's something my therapist and I are going to work on.

My therapist noticed that I have a tendency to be able to come up with multiple solutions for most problems, but don't feel secure enough to choose one. She thinks it may go back to the feelings of powerlessness and facing problems that didn't seem to have a solution that I experienced as a kid and up until about a year ago.

That was really the first session I've had with her that really felt like I'd really gotten to the root of anything. At first, she seemed a lot less interested in discussing my past than my last therapist, and preferred to focus on the present. But I think she's realized that with me, dissecting the past is going to be an important part of figuring out what's up now.

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm really glad to hear you had that kind of breakthrough.

I'm wondering: In regards to relationship things with guys, what do you think would happen if you chose your own solution/made a decision without consulting someone else? IN other words, what do you think holds you back from doing that? I know you're working on the big picture of this with your therapist, and that there are some explanations that make a lot of sense, but I'm wondering if there's something specific related to communicating around relationship things.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, clearly I made the right choice with this guy. Today, he texted me and asked me if I wanted to hang out tonight. I told him that honest, the last few weeks I've been re-evaluating whether I was in the position for a relationship, and that after this week of school, I'd decided that I wasn't.

This was absolutely true, both because of school and because after my experience with the anxiety about meeting someone and a lot of reflection, I'm probably at a place where I need to be focusing on my personal growth. I mean, sure, if someone comes along and everything feels right, I'd give it a go, but I'm not in the position to be looking for someone, and certainly not in the position to date someone I'm not really feeling a connection with.

But anyway, I told him the first part, about not being in the position for a relationship, and he told me that it was "bull shit", that there was no way I couldn't find a couple extra hours a week, and that because I was dishonest, I wasn't mature enough to be his girlfriend anyway.

I know that what I said probably could sound like a line, but I really do feel I was being honest. Certainly, I didn't tell him the whole story, but since he's basically a stranger, I really didn't think it was necessary for me to explain all my personal issues to him, and I thought it was very rude of him. I sent him back the following message:

"Believe it or not, I actually mean that, although not just because of school, but because of other things going on in my life that I really don't want to discuss with someone I just met. But regardless, I wish you the best of luck as well."

I haven't gotten a response back, and I pretty much hope he's ashamed of how rude he was, and how quickly he jumped to the conclusion that I'm a liar.

I really wanted to get this off my chest because I'm a little angry about how he acted.

As far as your question goes, Robin, do you mind if I reflect on that a little bit and get back with you? I'm not really sure at the moment, and not really in a mood where anything is likely to come to me.

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey Atonement,

I'm sorry he was such a jerk about it particularly as you were nice enough to give him even a small explanation. You're always entitled to just say to someone " "No, not up for going out again" and leave it at that.

Take all the time you want to reflect. It's also okay if you don't answer that here. I just asked the question thinking it might be helpful to you. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, now it's twice in one day.

I had an old high school friend that I had been talking to again. I went to see him a couple times at his parents house, but I really wasn't cool with him coming to my house because he participates in recreational drug use and has a criminal record. While I'm very open minded about both those things, I really don't want to risk ruining my record and preventing myself from being able to go into the medical field.

I've been dodging the "when can I come over" question for a few months, and today he asked me point blank, so I told him. I was hung up on, and then sent several texts about how much I insulted him, and how I wasn't better than him. Which I am aware of, but I have to live my life by my own principles.

To be honest, I kind of knew this was coming. He's been this way since High School, and I've observed enough of his facebook fights with people to realize that he hasn't really changed as far as this.

But twice in one day? I'm just kind of emotionally exhausted right now, and could really use a break. I keep trying to do the right things for myself and still be nice about it, but today there are two people in the world who think I've done them wrong...

I just could really use a hug. I mean, I'm not really a horrible person on either accounts, am I?

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3