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Author Topic: Saying the words
ShortAndSweet
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Hello!

So I have been dating/had my boyfriend for a bit now. We met last July, dated, then became boyfriend and girlfriend in November. We see each other on the weekends (he lives an hour away) and we have a lot of fun. I di not want to put stress on the situation, because when and if it is meant to happen, it will happen when it's suppose to, but I have not said those words to anyone in quite a while and I was wondering when I should. I do not want to freak him out either by saying it too soon and then he bails on me.

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Robin Lee
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Hi ShortAndSweet,

I'm not really sure what it is you're wanting to say to your boyfriend. I could guess, but it's probably easier if you can just tell us. [Smile]

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Robin

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Heather
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I'm assuming you mean, "I love you?"

If so, I tend to think of this like I do about saying most things which are meaningful to us and we expect to be meaningful to someone else. When we feel them is often the right time to say them.

And, personally, I don't think of relationships in a strategic way. So, I figure if this person would be freaked out by you loving him now, that's an issue whether you share it or not, you know?

If you love him -- versus just being in love with him -- you must know him pretty well by now. Do you think he'd freak out or ditch you because you have these feelings?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ShortAndSweet
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Yes, Im sorry, I mean I Love You =)

I know that I am overthinking this whole thing, but I feel like I have been overthinking the relationship this whole time because I really enjoy his company and the way he is and I really do not want to mess it up at all. I guess I am just nervious that what if he does not feel the same way. I know he cares for me, but maybe there are smaller ways of telling how he's feeling with out saying it yet?

I do not think he would ditch me per say, but I think he could be just not ready and get scared. HE did not want a girlfriend in the first place when we met, but we did meet and we made it happen =)

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Heather
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Are you saying that you don't want to tell him that you love him unless it's a sentiment you think he will return?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ShortAndSweet
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i guess so...is thst silly?
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Heather
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You get to feel however you feel about this. [Smile]

But if it just feels way too scary for you to voice this now, maybe the answer is to follow your gut and wait until it feels less so?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ShortAndSweet
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yea, but how do you know when to?
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Robin Lee
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I'm not sure any of us really knows when it's the right time. Often, I think, people say "I love you" when it *feels* like the right time. It's pretty scary since one can't actually predict the outcome.

I think maybe one knows it's the "right" time (or at least a good time) when one feels more moved to say it than they feel scared by the outcome. IN other words, maybe people feel like it's the right time when it feels like it would be wrong *not* to say it. Really though, the experience is so individual for people I'm not sure if we can get any closer to knowing the answer here.

So, does it *feel* like the right time for you? If you're worried about the outcome, then maybe it's not, but you're the one who knows how it feels for you. [Smile]

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Robin

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ShortAndSweet
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Yea, that totally makes sense to me...nice job on that one haha!! =)

Ok, I have a random question.

My boyfriend that I am talking about here lives an hour away, and we usually at least contact each other every day. There are some days though, like today, that I do not hear from him at all. I do not believe he is doing anything that is bad at all. When this happens he always has some kind of excuse like I was tired and I passed out and such. Today I texted him in the morning before I went to work and called him when I got off. I got nothing. It is weird to me, but I believe what he says. Should i? Shoudl I not be so lenient with this?

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Robin Lee
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Different couples have different habits.

It's typical for one member of the couple to want (or have time for) different amounts of communication than the other partner.

How do you feel when you don't talk to him every day?

I'm not really sure what you mean by being lenient with this. What do you mean?

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Robin

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Heather
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I'd also add that over time, as a relationship goes on, I'd say it's fairly typical for couples to be in less contact.

In other words, when a relationship is brand new, everyone is usually just getting to know each other, buzzing with new relationship energy, and can't seem to be able to talk or hear from one another enough. But as time goes on, and people settle more into a relationship, that intensity and constant contact also tends to settle down some.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ShortAndSweet
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Yea, I guess you are right...officially though as a couple it hasnt been long, so I guess that is why I was nervous. We have only been boyfriend and girlfriend for just over a month (But I Have know him/dated him since July).

I guess what I meant by lenient was like should I be upset if I do not hear from him for an entire day. I was sad for sure about it, just because I look forwar to hearing from him. I dont know, I am waaaaay over thinking this relation ship big time. I just really want it to work.

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Molias
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Different people can have very different ideas of what the ideal level or type of contact is.
One person might want to have a long phone conversation or several text exchanges every day, for example, while their partner might be happier to talk on the phone once or twice a week and save longer conversations for in person. And both preferences are ok; there's not a wrong answer here.

It sounds like the two of you might have a different level of contact that you prefer. I don't think this is something we can say you "should" feel upset about or not; you get to have whatever feelings you have about the situation. It's not wrong to feel upset if that's how you feel about this, but it may help to take a moment and talk to your boyfriend about this, to get a clear sense of how often he likes to communicate. It may be something you can schedule with him or you may find that just talking about it (and any fears that may come up as you have this discussion) can help.

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ShortAndSweet
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sorry this took me so long to reply to...

ok, so my boyfriend is confusing me a lot. Our communication is still the same, either through a few texts or a phone call during the day (because we live an hour apart we only se each other on the weekend). Can a relationship grow like this? Also, I was with him last weekend and i could have sworn we were talking and he was telling me that is enjoyed being around me and i swear he lipped i love you. i didnt quite get it (so i could be completely wrong on that) and then he said oh he would tell me later or another time. GRRR...then i realized that we met only 6 months ago and it didnt seem to phase him much which is fine, then he said he has bene ok with the arrangement we have. I am totally overthinking everything I know. I guess i just want it to work so badly but i dont want to force it at all.

I also want to know where we stand in terms of us bc if this doesnt work, i really dont want to waste any more time. that probably sounds mean and I am definitely sounding like a psycho...im not i promise haha

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Robin Lee
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Wel, it sounds like you have some concerns, and the best person to talk to about those is your boyfriend.

In terms of whether a relationship can grow in the way you're describing, that's really about your individual relationship. Do you feel like it's growing
?
I'm hearing you voice uncertainty in general. Do you have any specific points of concern?

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Robin

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ShortAndSweet
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I can't think of anything specific at the moment. I guess I am just not use to this sort of long distance type of a thing. This is really not bad, I see him just about every weekend, but maybe I am just still getting use to it? Like we are growing together more slowly because I do not see him during the week and I only talk/text once a day. I dont know, I guess i should be talking to him, but I dont want to scare him off or anything like that. I am really not rushing things. Just anxious i guess?
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