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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What do I do?

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Author Topic: What do I do?
Chuck
Neophyte
Member # 95940

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Me and my boyfriend were in my house, we were just planning to eat some food and hang out. But we ended up in my room.I was naked and stuff was happening, then we heard a noise. I heard my name.. my mom had come home. I freaked out so bad that she'd come up to the room and force her way in without getting all my clothes back on. i got some clothes on and went to the living room saying I was sleeping. My boyfriend hid in the closet.

I tried to convinece my mom for us to walk the dog and she said alright then she said, are you sure your boyfriend isn't here, and i told her no even though she said she saw his backpack. She headed towards my room and found him in the closet.

My boyfriend told me she said " I told you not to be here" and that she had risen her hand in a fist and looked like she was going to hit him, but then she just left.

When my mom came back towards me she said "Why did you lie to me? Is there no trust between us? Why did you have to lie when I asked if he was here?" I just stayed quiet.

My boyfriend slowly made his way out my mom didn't say a word and we left to walk the dog. He didn't speak to me until he told me he didn't want to see my mom and not to pick him up for school anymore. I cried, and still am. I feel bad.. because today is his birthday.. and just i feel like i never do anything right. When i got back inside my house.. and i didn't say a word just went to my room and asked my mom if she wants me to get my sister and she said no she'd get her.

I don't know what to do.. Did she hear me..? I feel like lying that we were just kissing becaus eI don't want to bring something like ' sexual relationship' to my moms head.. she really old school and is always telling me stuff about it.

What do I do about my boyfriend? He left.. real quiet and didn't do anything while I cried..

I feel like my cyring pointless because my mom didn't yell.. but im scared of my mom.. and im scared she going to tell other people and there going to try and lecture me as well..

Posts: 18 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Am I hearing right that when you say you feel afraid of you mother not because you worry she is going to do you any harm, but because she might tell others about this or talk to you?

I'm just checking to make sure we don't need to address your safety in this.

Per your posting history, it looks like you've been sexually active for a while now. can I ask why you haven't talked to your Mom about that yet? And also if maybe you might consider doing that now, since it seems clear that trust is really breaking down between the two of you, and you probably don't want it to get any more broken?

I'm not concerned about your boyfriend here. For sure, having someone's Mom walk in on you on your birthday and all that blows. Obviously. But it's so not the end of the world for him, there. Life will go on. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Chuck,

It sounds like this was really upsetting for you. I'm sorry to hear it turned out the way it did.

Can you start by filling me in on what your Mom has said before about you having a boyfriend? What kinds of discussions have you had before with her about boyfriends and sex?

It sounds like it's important to you to tell your mom some things, and you're also not sure where you stand with your boyfriend. Am I understanding that correctly?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Chuck
Neophyte
Member # 95940

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I'm not afriad of mom hurting me but, we been going through something really difficult sutff. But things have gotten better. I never have had a real great relationship with my mom. I have always tried to please her and make her happy because I barely saw her when I was younger. And now Im just afraid of dissapointing her.

I haven't talked to my mom about it because im afraid of her just mentally attacking me and putting me down. She's asked me if I have been having sex.. but I just can't say it.

My mom hated my boyfriend at first, he the first guy to meet my mom, and it didn't start out to well. Thing got better over time, she told me he was a real nice kid. When we became sexually active, sometimes he would come over, and the our manager would tell my mom. Thats when she told me I couldn't be alone with him in the house and she told him that too. We listened but we started doing it again past few months.

She asked me more than usual if were being sexually active, I always tell her no. She says "Good, because eduacation is first and you can do all that stuff later" she continues by saying I could also get pregnant and end up alone with a baby.

My mom has never been open with me about sex and everytime she asks if im being sexually active.. a good friend of the family is around.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I certainly understand feeling that way about parents. And of course, all the more when relationships with them start late.

Does she normally verbally or emotionally attack you? In other words, do you have a reason to suspect she'll react that way?

That all said, given what she said about trust, I think it's important to recognize that when you're sneaking around like that, having sex in your house, using a birth control method she can find, it's probably only a matter of time before she finds out herself. So, I always suggest thinking about how, as hard as it might be to be honest, it's only going to be way uglier and tougher if a parent finds out that not only have you been having sex, but you've also been lying to them about it, you know? Just something to consider.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Chuck
Neophyte
Member # 95940

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I just can't handel my mothers words.. i just fall apart. She tells me on how disapointed she is in me and just continues..

I have a real hard time telling my mom certain things, but I think.. if i just really think about it I may be able to finally tell her..

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Have you ever been able to talk to her about that dynamic?

In other words, to tell her that you feel very vulnerable with her, and very afraid of disappointing her, to the degree that you find you're less inclined to be honest, though you'd like to have a more open relationship?

It sounds like a conversation like that is probably a good idea before one about engaging in sex?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Chuck
Neophyte
Member # 95940

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I can bring it up in our group theraphy.., cause theere it just feels better safer.. to let my feeling out.
Posts: 18 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Is the group therapy with your Mom too? Sounds like you feel safer talking about this there.

When will your next therapy session be?

What do you need to feel okay until that happens?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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