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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My BF has issues with my ex

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Author Topic: My BF has issues with my ex
Tullia95
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I competitively show horses and take training clinics and what not. I met my ex at one of my clinics that goes once a month year round. I was put into the top group of people very quickly, but I stuck to the idea that I was there to learn and not meet someone (I had never dated before at the time). Well, I didn't really pay attention to him and he didn't really like that. In the end, we dated for a few months and he broke it off since I didn't give him what he wanted, aka I wouldn't sleep with him. Well, he broke up with me after the last clinic of the year and I missed the first few because of school and conflicting schedules. Well, I met my current boyfriend who I love very much and we are very open and share everything, even though we live more than an hour apart.
When clinics started back up, I told him I was going, event though the ex would be there and he said he wanted to come and promised to be nice. Well it turned into a scowling contest, and he had to go play with my little siblings for a while because he was quite frustrated. His family life is pretty good, but he does have self esteem issues. After the clinic was over we were walking to the trailer and as we walked by my ex, i pulled my hand away (not to be rude or anything) to grab my beeping phone. Later that night my boyfriend and I were messing around and he stopped and asked if I was really over my ex and of course I said yes. Then he questioned why I moved my hand away.
I have reassured him many times that I'm very happy in our relationship, I always say "I love you" (he gets worried if I just say "love you"), and I tell him absolutely everything. I just wish I could help his security. Is there something else I can do or say? I told him I'm not going to stop going to the clinics because they're very fun and I go to them to learn and socialize with other people who have equal skill sets as me.

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Quod in vita facimus est in aeternae resonat

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Tullia95
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Also, my boyfriend is very into horses too, he was raised ranching and works year round breaking colts to ride and working with cattle.

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Quod in vita facimus est in aeternae resonat

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Onionpie
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Hey Tullia. It sounds like your boyfriend has some issues with insecurity right now. Unfortunately, there isn't really a way for YOU to make him feel more secure; his insecurity is about him and his self-esteem, and it's something he's going to have to work on himself, to be able to improve it. To take part in healthy relationships and just be healthy people all-round, it's important that people feel secure about themselves and their relationships, and that's only something that can come from within.

So, if he wants to feel less insecure, and strengthen the relationship, and be a healthier partner and person, he's going to inevitably have to do some hard work on working through these insecurities he's having. If he feels up for doing that now, you could suggest that he make an account here for himself and we can work with him on that.

I think it's important that you talk to him about this, as communication is the key to a good relationship. I think it'd be good for you two to talk about what healthy relationships need, your boundaries around him not telling you who to hang out with (in healthy relationships, partners don't get to dictate who the other is friends with or spends time with, even if they are not fond of the person), and talk about where his insecurities are coming from and the fact that it's something he's going to have to work on for himself because you can't do much other than be the supportive partner it sounds like you already are.

What do you think? Do you think he'd be receptive to that conversation? Do you need any help figuring out how to start and have that conversation?

Posts: 1182 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tullia95
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Well, he keeps a lot of emotions in. He's told me many things he said he's never even told his own parents or friends, so I don't think talking to him is an issue. We are very open with each other, even though I find I am usually more open than he is. For example, we'll be doing great and out of no where in the middle of our texting conversation, he'll say he's angry about something and bring up 5 other things too that happened a while ago. It doesn't happen that often and he's gotten a lot better at telling me things when they happen instead of bottling it up and uncorking it at an unoportune time (and with very little grace), but when it does he ends up telling me all these frustrations he has and we talk for a while and he feels better. I know he has no other support and I am very supportive of him. he has never been controlling and neither have I, we sat down and laid that out in the very beginning and I told him I'm not playing the jealousy game where you live a ways away and you get jealous of any other person talking to me. And so far it seems the only person we've had issues with is my ex. Also, my ex is kind of an ***hole and nothing like my boyfriend now. He didn't treat me very nice (no abuse or anything, just lazy in the relationship and was really just trying to take advantage of me. I was the first girl who didn't fall for his little game) and I think my current bf feels like he needs to protect me from him maybe? or feels like he needs to make up for the way my ex treated me? It has not come up in a while, but my February clinic is coming up and he should be home to come with me and I just was wondering maybe if I need to prepare him before hand (talk to him, reassure him) or just wait and see.

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Quod in vita facimus est in aeternae resonat

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blueberry
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Hi Tullia, I'm in a similar situation except I'm the jealous partner... so I can sympathize a bit with how your boyfriend feels about this.

I think the worst part about feeling insecure in a relationship is that it doesn't matter how many times your partner says "I love you", you're still going to wonder if it's really true or if they're going to find someone else. So, like Onionpie said, there's not that much you can do about it and you do sound like a supportive partner already.

One thing that I find very reassuring though when we're around people that might make me feel jealous (like a girl who seems interested in my boyfriend) is when he does these small things to make clear that we belong together, like holding my hand or sitting close to me for example, so I know that even if he's talking to someone else I don't have to worry about it. However the best solution for your boyfriend (and me) would probably be to work on the insecurity issues because I think that's where it all comes from.

Posts: 60 | From: Scandinavia | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tullia95
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Member # 100711

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Thank you blueberry for the advice. I appreciate the advice from a first hand account, it really helps me understand how he feels. The touch I know is a big thing for him too and I will be sure to remember that when I can tell he starts getting worked up

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Quod in vita facimus est in aeternae resonat

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Onionpie
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Hi Tullia. I'm glad to see blueberry's input helped you out! Sorry it's been a while for me to reply!

I hear you say that your boyfriend often bottles things up and doesn't share his frustrations with you until much later when it's become overwhelming for him and he piles on a bunch of grievances he's had over time that he hadn't shared with you yet. To me that actually sounds like he IS having troubles with communication; it would benefit both of you if he/both of you could work on communicating issues when they happen instead of letting them build.

Have you been able to have a conversation with him about his insecurity issues yet?

Posts: 1182 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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