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Author Topic: Wrong Timing
Roxie102
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Hey everyone, I'm back. Things have been a mixed bag lately - I finished my semester with good grades, but a few days ago, I got into my first car wreck and now have to deal with some soreness and getting my car repaired. But anyway, my boyfriend and I had a conversation last night, and I'd like to talk about it.

We've been dating two years with a few months break in there somewhere. I'm in college now, and he'll be going to college in the fall. So I asked him if he was thinking that we should break up when he goes to college, and at the time, he basically said he wasn't sure. Last night, he brought the topic up himself. He told me how he felt tied down and "like we were married" (I think he didn't really like the way things felt after our "honeymoon phase" ended, the "settling down" feeling.) and he says he feels too young to want that right now. I know also he wants to put his career and education before a relationship. Completely valid, by the way. I feel no resentment toward him at all for the way he feels. I know he loves me and I love him. He says sometimes he feels like I'm just more of a friend to him than a girlfriend, and he said if we do breakup, I'll definitely still be his best friend. So, I'm just putting it out there that I don't resent him or anything because of the way he feels.

What I'm having a problem with is the circumstances. We basicially agreed that right now isn't the best time for us to be together and that we're at different places in our lives. I'd never considered that before, but really, it's the truth - I'm ready for a commitment and to settle down, and he's not. He'd rather date around and/or be single and focus on his career. The fact that there would be even more distance in between us I think is another factor. I brought up that I'd been considering transferring to be closer to him and we both pretty much decided that wasn't a good idea right now.

Even so, we didn't break up. We decided to give it a few more months and then see how things are and how we feel. I guess my main question is, how do you deal with losing someone you love just because the timing isn't right and not because of any lack of love or anything either person has done? That's the biggest pain I feel, knowing that all of this is pretty much beyond our control.

[ 01-01-2013, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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I guess you're already thinking about this quite realistically and understand why it's all happening which is what will help you the most. I'm sure it's already brining you some more comfort than the confusion that so often makes break ups so difficult.

One thing which for me which would help me with this kind of break up would be to actually not to think of it as a loss...

Your lives are both changing. Those changes have already happened between you both and your gaining a new type of friendship in your lives... but it's with someone you already know, who you're not loosing, you'll just get to know them more and in a different way.

Breaking-up like this is a completely different thing from completely parting ways.

By breaking up... You are actually only really saying you're ready to acknowledge that change, taking a positive step forward, taking with you the good things you've had, and the lessons learnt, rather than walking away from them.

On the other hand... break ups can just be tough anyway, feeling pain can be just part of the process which you manage instead of trying to unthink ... if this is the case then it just calls for you to look after yourself, give yourself time, space and ways to feel what you want to feel.

In the bigger picture this sounds, from what you've mentioned about your communication with each-other and your understanding, like it will be a really positive shift in your life to look back on, as well as a positive relationship to have experienced.

[ 01-01-2013, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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PS... I would say that the other sorts of break-ups you speak about, often do start the same way as yours, simply wanting different things and being in different mental (and physical) places. Where people struggle is communicating those discomforts and accepting that a change needs to happen earlier on, instead their relationships may eventually reach a point where partners stop caring for each-other, or end up getting badly hurt or doing something hurtful.

Not having needed that to happen in order to change things up is something to be proud of!

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Roxie102
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I understand what you mean. This is really the most honest we've ever talked about something like this before, and though talking about this made us both feel kinda bad, I'm glad we did because of the reason you said - just ignoring the problem pretty much leads to disaster.

It's comforting to know we won't lose each other in the true sense of the word. I'm glad he'll still be in my life, but I just wish things didn't have to be like this. I know I'll just always be hoping we'll get back together again... (That being said, this break up is still no guarantee, just a probablity.)

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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I understand that. Hang in there.

It's tough to feel our future changing in front of us. Expectations are a weird things to re-adjust in ourselves.

At the same time what we want our futures to be (i.e. at some point getting back with someone we're breaking up with now)change all the time as well. So there's actually no telling you'd actually want to get back together later on in your life, even if it were 'possible'.

Looking after what you both need now doesn't cut off any futures off... if anything it gives you more options.

The important thing is that you are giving yourself time to do that, and have people you can speak to if you need them... do those things feel in place for you?

[ 01-01-2013, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Roxie102
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thanks, that does make sense. [Smile]

I have been thinking about it and even though I don't like it, it seems like this is going to be the best course of action for us individually as well as the relationship itself. I wouldn't want to drag things out forever and then ruin the chance at a friendship. Also, I know it would be selfish to not let him go if he needs to. I love him too much to do that.

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Cricket
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I was recently in a situation somewhat similar to this - breaking off romantic involvement with someone I loved because as wonderful as she was, we were not in the right places in our lives to maintain a healthy relationship as romantic partners that met both our needs - and even though I initiated the break, it was jarring and it hurt. Even though it felt like the best thing to do, it was not fun or easy at all.

Something that it can be helpful to keep in mind - a concept that I learned from Scarleteen and value very deeply - is that a romantic relationship is not necessarily the ultimate pinnacle of all relationships, and that ending a romantic relationship is not a failure. You and your boyfriend sound like people who understand each other very well and value each other's needs. Shifting your relationship from monogamously romantic to more of a platonic friendship is a big, tough adjustment, but he's not going to disappear from your life automatically. Framing things as a change, not a loss, can be helpful.

If you love someone and want to please them and make them feel supported and comfortable, sometimes that means not being romantically involved. Making that shift isn't a relationship end or destruction, it's a positive success in which you change the relationship to best suit the comfort of those involved. I wish you the best in determining what kind of shift will be the best for you.

Posts: 62 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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