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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » No idea what to do.

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Author Topic: No idea what to do.
TheCitizenErased
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Before I get started, this is gonna be extremely long. Not only that, its pretty late and Im typing this half asleep, so my grammar and punctuation may be a bit all over the place haha.
I guess there is no way to start this other than from the beginning.
Last March I met the most amazing girl. She was everything I was looking for and more! It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to enter a relationship with her. Throughout my teens I had a major problem with trust. I have no idea where it originated from, other than it might have had something to do with my home life (which when I was younger was a bit unstable) and the fact my past relationships were utter disasters - resulting in me getting pretty torn up. So when I met her I was completely in my shell, but she brought me out of it.
Our relationship was incredible. I had never felt such a strong connection with someone before and I can honestly say she is the first person Ive truly loved. She said the exact same about me (even now she still says that its true). We had a lot of fun and I totally and utterly trusted her. Not once did I ever think she would break that trust. I felt completely safe.
Everything was great up until October. Things started to feel a bit off. I started thinking that I was doing something wrong, so I kept asking her if everything was okay - she said everything was fine. So I left things as they were.
Slowly I started to realise the problem. At the beginning of our relationship she was on exam leave from school and then once that was over she had finished high school. Im at university (Im 2 years older). So when she was off during the summer so was I, meaning we saw each other pretty frequently. Once I started going back to uni, we saw each other less. Unfortunately when I was at uni she would be off from work, but when I was off she was working. Talk about bad timing. Obviously we still made an effort to see each other, but rather than 2 or 3 times a week, it was slowly dwindling to once a week, then once every 10 days. We still spoke everyday but it wasnt the same. It also didnt help that in addition to me working and being at uni I am also in a band (we record and rehearse A LOT). Slowly we were losing that spark we had.
Once November hit, we went through a 2 week period of not seeing each other and our contact each day was becoming less and less frequent. Both of us were too stubborn, maybe scared, to bring it up. Finally she brought it up. We spoke for about 4 hours about it. We told each other how much we cared about each other and how much we desperately wanted it to work. We both wanted to be with each other and for me that was enough for it to work out.
So we finally met up after 2 weeks of not seeing each other. In hindsight it was probably a bad idea we went to the cinema (no time to talk etc). Weirdly enough, it was really awkward. Something felt wrong and we barely spoke. Later on that night we both acknowledged how weird it was and agreed that it was probably down to the fact that we hadnt saw each other in a while and that we didnt get a chance to talk. So we decided to keep going.
A couple of days later she broke up with me. She explained that she loved me and wanted to try but she felt that it wasnt going to work and that we had lost our spark. It was a long and horrible process. We spoke for a good while about it, and that was that. I ended up getting extremely drunk afterwards which didnt help at all (pretty ugly sight I can imagine).
Ive been through 2 really bad break ups before but this seriously was the worst. It ended amicably, and we still spoke (we are still on speaking terms and can talk like we used to). But even still, it was and still is so painful. I still dont understand where it all went wrong. She said there was more to it than just not seeing each other often and losing our spark.
So the past month and a half Ive just dived into my band work. Practicing, getting our own studio, planning our debut album. Its been good. Im surrounded by the best friends I could ask for. Im constantly busy, never home to sit and think. Yet, all I can think about is her and whats happened. I feel so empty and lost. I love my friends and my band but it isnt filling this hole I feel inside. Its really weird, because Ive never experienced anything like this. I feel really lonely. Ive went on a date since and tried to move on but I feel its far too soon, because Im still attached to her. I know time is the greatest healer but its still easily the hardest thing Ive went through. Worst part is that, Ive found myself going out a lot more (which may sound good) but to clubs and bars - Ive been drinking a lot and smoking a lot more too. I also had a one night stand on a drunken night out with a complete stranger. Ive never felt so guilty and disgusting in my life. Thats not who I am. I feel as if im not me.
About 10 days ago, I was talking to her via facebook. Just general chit chat. The topic of our break up came up and I asked her if there was a chance of us trying again. I obviously want us to try, but I asked because if there is a chance I know I can work towards that, but if there isnt then I know I can move on and and remain friends with her without having an ulterior motive everytime I talk to her. She said that she didnt know because she hadnt had time to come to terms with whats happened. She said it was too soon. She kept saying she missed me and that although she would love to try, shes too scared that it will end up the same as before.
Im not naive, so I take everything she says with a pinch of salt. My friends all think that she might just be playing me. I doubt it, but I guess you never know. Ive backed off since then and our contact has became less and less frequent.
Theres obviously a lot more to this than what Ive typed, but Ive typed enough ... far too much in fact (I apologise for the length of this haha).
So I guess what Im asking is, what the hell do I do? I feel so, so lost. As much as I know that if we got back together it could be a bad idea, I believe in 2nd chances. Im trying to be mature and adult about this and move on. Part of me wants her back, part of me wants to move on. I feel torn.
Im really sorry about the length of this haha.
Thanks!

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Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hello,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am not saying this lightly: break-ups hurt very badly, and I know exactly how you feel. Feeling torn and confused are definitely things I've felt before. Please try to take care of yourself first before focusing on the break-up and how you're trying to make decisions. You say you're busy with your band (which I totally understand, as my brother's in a band and he's constantly busy!), but try to give yourself the care and space you need to heal. Sleep, eat, relax, try not to be so busy. If you feel more rested, you'll feel more able to think through your feelings.

It sounds like this girl meant a lot to you, and I understand that you want to give her another chance. What do you think will happen if you two get back together? Do you think you'd be willing to have a talk about what else she had felt was going on that had been affecting the relationship? I know all that would be hard to hear, so please don't think I'm suggesting this and not thinking it won't be difficult!

How long has it been since the break-up (a month and a half or so? I'm sorry, I'm sure you've mentioned that above)? Going on a date and trying to move on might be a bit too soon for you if you're still feeling attached to her. There is no time limit on grieving: take your time and let yourself heal. If you take a bit longer or shorter to move on, honestly, that doesn't mean anything (and this is coming from someone who takes a long time to move on from things).

I think that focusing on your band and record label (good for you, by the way!) and your friends are great ideas, and I think that some distraction from pain is healthy; as too much focus can be hurtful, in my opinion. But too much distraction won't help you accept or deal with your feelings. And again, I say this knowing that actually letting yourself feel what you need to feel is extremely tough. Try to maybe allocate a time for thinking about those feelings, and then a "free period" for fun things for you to do.

I don't know how to say this, but sometimes, when you're grieving, you're really not yourself. Sometimes, you just do things you wouldn't normally do. Your feelings, thoughts, and decisions are sometimes hastily made or not reflective of who you are because you're so hurt and withdrawn from who you used to be - how you used to feel with that person. I've dated too soon or made quick decisions that I really didn't want or mean to do because I missed that person; and it was a foggy time for me. So I completely understand how you feel. Please don't beat yourself up over that. Take care of yourself first, and maybe think about your health when it comes to smoking and drinking. Casual drinking is fun, and I understand that bands are in that environment, but please take care of yourself. Your health is so imporant.

I truly hope you feel better soon, and that you feel more rested and less confused. I wish I could tell you what to do, but it's your choice. If you'd like to be with her again, then that is absolutely something you're allowed to want and feel. If you want to move on, then that is just as fine. As long as you are taking care of yourself and still doing things you enjoy, then that is a good start to trying to process everything. Sorry to add this as a random question, but what kind of band are you in? It sounds like a good one! Take care!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
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Thanks for the reply copper86! I really appreciate it [Smile]

It was a really long post, so I appreciate someone taking the time to read it and take it in.

The only way I would get back together with her would be if we both agreed on making more an effort with one another and actually voicing our concerns and problems to one another before its too late.

We had a talk like that during our talk on Facebook about 10 days ago. Tbh, when I look back on the night we broke up, its a haze and I cant remember what was said. So I asked her the reasons. The main ones were that we lost that spark I keep talking about, the fact we werent affectionate with each other anymore, we never saw each other and we never made an effort or spoke about our problems. I could have killed her when she said all this, because I felt the exact same way. Everything she said I would sit and think "Jesus, we were exactly in the same boat."

It was frustrating knowing that if we had just spoke to each other then we could have fixed it, or at least tried. Communication really is key.

Yeah, we broke up on the 30th of November (Im sure it was) so its been around a month and half. I mean, Ive been through break ups before and moved on pretty swiftly to better things, but I just dont see a light at the end of the tunnel here. I know its still early days but its pretty torturous. The girl I went on a date with is lovely and a really nice person - funnily enough I liked her before I started going with my ex. Normally I would have been thrilled to go on a date with her, but I was just bored and restless.

It sucks.

I havent really spoke about this to anyone, except a few close friends, but even they dont know the full story. So I have been pretty much bottling everything up, and its worked thus far. Now I feel Im at breaking point.

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Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
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Woops! I wasnt finished my post there and added it by accident haha! Ill finish.

Ive definitely cut down lately on smoking and drinking. Eating a lot more healthily, so Im feeling better in that aspect. Its far too tempting to just go out and get drunk, so that I forget for just a little while. It never works obviously.

I guess time will tell. The balls in her court as far as Im concerned. Ive told her what I want and how I feel. Its up to her.

Haha, its funny, me and my bandmates were wondering what genre we fit into. I would say we are alt-rock/indie. The only band I can compare us to sound wise would be Circa Survive. Check them out! They are incredible.

Thanks [Smile]

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Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi TheCitizenErased,

I think the biggest thing here first is for you to start taking good care of yourself. You mentioned above that you've stopped smoking and drinking as much. You also mentioned a sexual encounter with a stranger. Are you able to remember whether you used safer sex practices there? either way, it would be sound to check in with a sexual healthcare provider. Do you have a doctor or clinic you go to for your sexual health needs?

What I'm hearing in what you're saying is a lot of regret. Do you feel like you can forgive yourself for your relationship not working out?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
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Hi Robin Lee

Yup, I made sure it was safe. I also got checked at my local GP a few days afterwards and I was fine.

Yeah, its definitely a lot of regret. Im not sure, at the present Im trying my best to forgive myself but I just cant. Im starting to get angry now rather than upset about it.

Just one of these things I guess.

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Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hey There,

Want to talk any about what that anger is about or who (or what) it's directed at?

Also, re STIs: you'll want to get tested again in a month or two as some viruses or infections take a while to show up in tests. Regular STI testing is sound for sexually active folks, particularly if they're not in a long-term (as in years), monogamous relationship.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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