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Author Topic: Parental Issues
SnowflakeLove
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I'm 16 years old and I've been with my current boyfriend for nearly a year. We were best friends a while before that and as cliche and unbelievable as it may be for someone our age, we fell in love quickly. I trust him with everything I have and I know that I want to be with him for as long as fate will allow.

We've done things together (ie. Kissing, touching, oral sex etc.) But we've never actually had sex, however we want to. Our anniversary is soon and that's what we planned to do and I know we're both ready. My problem is my mother. I know that I love this guy, I know that I trust him, I know that I want to do this but I also know that if my mother found out she'd kill me. And I mean that quite literally.

You see, my mom is pretty religious even though I'm not. I am a Christian, I do believe in God and I know that what I want to do is a sin but I also know that God is forgiving and that the guy I'm with is worth the risk I'm taking. My mother did have sex when she was younger than me, and she ended up pregnant and dropping out of high school so I can see that she's worried for me but if I'm safe and I take all the precautions I should be okay right? I guess the issue is, I don't want to have to deal with my mothers bible carrying hypocritical/verbal (and maybe even physically) abusive attitude if she were to find out..

Should I just wait? Am I wrong for wanting this despite knowing it's wrong? Will God hate me if I do? I'm beyond confused..

Any kind of response is welcome.. Please and Thank you ..

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Robin Lee
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Hi TarahT28 and welcome to Scarleteen,

It sounds like you're giving this a lot of thought. That's definitely sound when it comes to considering one's physical and psychological safety.

We're not a religious site, so really aren't in the best position to be helping you with the spiritual aspect of this. I will observe though that it sounds like you're pretty comfortable with your own spiritual views on what you've decided to do, and when it comes to deciding how we treat our own bodies, minds, and souls, I do think that we ourselves are the authority on what is right for us as individuals, or what we're willing to compromise on even if it doesn't feel completely right.

from a practical perspective, how likely do you think it is that your Mom will find out? What are some of the ways you think she could learn about your decision to have sexual intercourse with your boyfriend?

You're talking about being "safe" with intercourse. What are your plans for that? How much of a handle do you think you have on what it takes to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection transmission?

You may find this article useful in working out some of the spiritual aspects for yourself:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/words/its_between_god_and_me

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Robin

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SnowflakeLove
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Hi Robin Lee and thanks for you response,

To be completely honest, I'm not sure how likely she is to find out or how she would but she's one of those freaky mom's that kind of just knows things, you know? But, she has yet to find out that I'm in anyway sexually active after quite a few months, but for some reason I just feel like if I took that next step she'd know, however, that could just be me being paranoid.

When it comes to being safe, a condom and emergency contraception (the morning after pill) are within reach in regards to preventing pregnancy and me and my boyfriend are both virgins and clear of any STI's so that's not a problem..

And thanks for the link. It did help put things in perspective when it comes to my spirituality and sexuality and the difference between the two.

I just don't want to disappoint anyone with my choice, I've spent my whole life trying to avoid that and I'd hate to throw that all down the drain just for the sake of following my heart..

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Robin Lee
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from what you said above, it doesn't sound like it's just about disappointing your Mom but also keping yourself out of a situation that you think could become abusive. That is pretty important.

Is engaging in intercourse worth that risk to you? (There's no right answer, here; just wondering what your perspective is on that.)

What are the things that would make it difficult for your Mom to find out? That is, do you and your boyfriend get a lot of time alone where yu don't worry about being interrupted?

Here's some information on the pregnancy risk-reduction methods you mentioned, complete with effectiveness rates. I'm also including information on the fertility awareness method, which can be a good second method to condoms.

Condoms

Emergency Contraception (Plan B or the Morning-After-Pill)

Fertility Awareness (FAM)

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Robin

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SnowflakeLove
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Well my mom can get pretty angry sometimes.. I know for a fact that if she were to find out, by whatever method, I'd get the verbal beating of a life time and I wouldn't put it past her to hit me, I mean, it's happened once or twice before, mainly just in discipline situations when it was warranted and I don't blame or even resent her for it but, I'm sure it could happen again in this situation and I want to avoid that but, when you love someone, when you really love them and you want to show them, you want them to know and you want to do something like this, not just for them but for yourself you should be willing to risk everything right? That's what I always thought anyway ..

And yeah, when we spend time together at his place we're always alone and normally uninterrupted in his room for a few hours at a time.

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Robin Lee
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I think different people have different ideas of what is worth risking and only you know for yourself what is really worth it.

You mention that your Mom would give you a verbal beating and might hit you.

What's the big picture, though? What would happen after the verbal beating? For example: Would she continue to be angry? Or distant? Might she treat you really badly? Is it possible she'd kick you out of the house? How difficult do you think she could make things for you?

How is having intercourse with your boyfriend more of an expression of love than what you already do? Do you think he feels the same way: That he's giving you something because he loves you?

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Robin

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SnowflakeLove
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My mom would more than likely keep being angry, for a long time, she'd definitely get distant, but I don't think she'd kick me out the house, but I do a lot of extra curricular activities that I love and she'd more than likely pull me out of those while making me miserable at home.

I just feel like intercourse is much deeper than what we've done to this point. I've always valued my virginity, and held it to a standard where I knew I'd only give it to someone I cared for deeply, and I feel like he'd that guy.

I know he feels the same way, he always tells me and his actions only further prover this point. Not to mention, we've talked about this before and he refused because he knew I wasn't ready yet. I know he cares about me and that he loves me as much as I love him.

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Robin Lee
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So, it sounds like if your Mom found out you were engaging in intercourse life could get pretty miserable for you. Might that also include you not being able to see your boyfriend any longer?

What I'm hearing here is a conflict between you really loving your boyfriend and wanting to do this with him, and the very significant reality of how your life could change if your Mom were to find out. What do you think?

What do you mean by intercourse being deeper than what you've done so far? How do you experience the sexual activities you've engaged in up to this point? That is, do you feel pleasure from them and a loving connection through them with your boyfriend?

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Robin

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SnowflakeLove
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Definitely, at one point before she tried to get me to stop seeing him because she feared I was having sex, even when I wasn't so I have no doubt she'd try but we go to the same school, ride the same bus etc, so she'd only be able to monitor us so far.

I think you've got it exactly right. And I mean, I think that intercourse, goes deeper than sex itself. It's a joining of two people, two bodies, two souls, as girly, naive and cliche as that sounds. What we do now, I don't know what it is about it, but despite feeling the pleasure and the love from it, it seems very.. Shallow? For lack of a better word.. The two things seem very similar, oral sex and intercourse but, I find a very large difference between the two and I think that sex, is something more meaningful then say, a blow job every now and then. (Sorry for the bluntness, I didn't know how else to put it)

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Robin Lee
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That's okay re the bluntness. [Smile] What I hear you voicing is a philosophical difference more than anything. It sounds like you're expecting that one occasion of intercourse will be a lot more powerful than the experience you've had up until now with sexual activities. I can't say whether that will or won't be the case for you, except to say, as I said above, that most folks with vaginas don't necessarily find their first experience of intercourse to be the physical be-all-and-end-all of pleasure.

I'm sort of hearing a detachment in the way you're characterising your other sexual encounters. Do they lack meaning for you?

IN terms of the conflict between what you want to do with your boyfriend and what you know would be the consequences if your mom found out, do you think it might help to make a pros and cons list?

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Robin

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SnowflakeLove
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Oh no, I don't expect any kind of pleasure in the physical sense to come from my first time as bad as that sounds. I do however expect and hope that it's different then the rest that I've encountered thus far.

I wouldn't say the other sexual encounters lack meaning because they've only ever occurred with this one guy, and I'm not one to share my body, however, they do lack.. Significance? And maybe that's just because I don't see them as being that big of a deal, and that could be an issue on my part, but, I guess that's just my thought process when it comes to this.

And that sounds like a really good idea actually [Smile] I'll definitely try that. Thanks

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Robin Lee
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You know, if you haven't experienced a feeling of depth and significance with other sexual activities, i'm really not sure how realistic it is to expect that you'll experience them with intercourse. Do you want to talk about the thought process that tells you that you will? What significance do you attribute to intercourse that you don't attribute to other sexual activities?

If you'd like to talk about what you discover from that pros and cons list, you're welcome to. It's up to you. [Smile]

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Robin

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