Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » "Blending" with partners' respective friends

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: "Blending" with partners' respective friends
Member # 47229

Icon 1 posted      Profile for noa     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi all,

So, I've been with my boyfriend for three years now (including one long-distance year). During that time, I've almost never hung out with his group of friends. This is somewhat complicated by the fact that, on a brief break in our relationship (during which we still talked frequently, still said I love you, etc.), he dated someone in his friend group; she now avoids him if I'm around, which has made it feel awkward and less inclined to mix our company. That said, we've talked through it and he has claimed this is no longer an issue, at least for him. I've also expressed feeling a bit isolated from the people that matter to him.

The other day, when I'd asked what his plans were for a later night, he told me he was going to head to some parties-- he didn't invite me, and said that he wanted to spend some time with just his friends, that he thought if he invited me he'd end up spending the whole time talking to me, and that he didn't want to spend "the whole time making introductions".

We're both pretty independent people and I know he values his independence, and I can understand to some extent a desire to do something without one's partner and just hang out with one's friends. That said, I've probably only met these people (who, granted, he doesn't hang out with on a weekly basis or anything, but does see several times a month) about ten times in three years- and several times they've been the ones, via him, to invite me.

We've struggled with trust issues in the past, so this triggers some anxiety in that area as well- I begin to wonder what he might not want me to see, what sort of behavior I might not be fond of, etc.

So l suppose I want to ask, "Is this normal?" with the caveat that I know wants/needs of different relationships vary wildly. I suppose another way of framing it would be, "Does this sound healthy?" How separate is too separate?

Posts: 6 | From: CA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're absolutely right that asking if this is normal isn't a terribly helpful framework, because for some people, not spending much time with their partner's friends is something that works. I'm not even sure that asking if this is healthy would net you the information you're looking for (because again, if a setup like the one you're describing was one that both partners had agreed on mutually and were happy with, then in all likelihood it would be healthy).

What I am hearing though is that this situation may not be healthy in the context of your relationship, because it sounds like you have a lot of concerns about not interacting with his friends much, and those concerns tie into other problems you've had within the relationship in the past. So, based on that alone, it is something that needs to be talked about. When you say you've expressed feeling isolated from people that matter to him before, has there been a really good conversation about it, or has it been more of a comment in passing? What has his response usually been?

"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3