Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is it love ?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Is it love ?
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 3 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I been with my boyfriend for several years now and I know for a fact that he has had sex with other girls on me. Also, I know that he loves me. Couple years ago he cheated on me with my best friend. This January he cheated on me again with the same girl. He says he hasn't had sex with her but I still don't believe it. I forgave him anyways because I loved him so much. I always forgive him though when he mess up because I would want him to forgive. He is the only person I have had sex with. We have been going through some things and people are always telling me what he has done in the past or that I deserve better but they dont understand the good times we share they always look at the bad but I recently just started talking to someone else. The temptation and chemistry between is strong I don't want to make mistake but he makes me feel so good. I'm afraid of the future because I can only see myself with my boyfriend. Only want kids by my boyfriend. I don't know what to do anymore ?
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, the fact that we love someone doesn't automatically mean it's best for us to be in relationship with them or in a certain kind of relationships with them.

Whether you love him or not, I hear you saying that this relationship is very broken in some ways, particularly around honesty and integrity on his part. It also sounds like his love for you may be a pretty iffy thing: breaking a monogamy agreement with someone is rough enough, but choosing to engage in sex with a partner's very best friend is a pretty serious betrayal (on your best friends part, too, obviously). That kind of behavior generally isn't the way we behave when we love someone and care about them.

For now, let's set aside future plans like kids with someone, okay? How about we try and work out the relationship as it is and has been so far, and ideas about how to approach this for the present and only near future.

Let's also set aside the someone else for right now, if you can. Often, we suggest trying to make decisions about one relationship based on that one relationship all by itself.

Have you seen this piece yet? It might give you some good places to start: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In the article it stated "Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?"
I been with my boyfriend since 7th grade, we been through ups and down but no matter what I know no one will ever get in between us. He screwed up plenty of times but every since he cheated on me the beginning of this yr with my ex best friend again. It makes me doubt everything he told me in the past. I don't want to miss out on something good because I'm too afraid to move forward. I love him with all my heart but everytime I try to tell him that i hate when he does this or that he thinks I'm nagging. When we are together everything is fine but when we are txtn our words become miscommunicated. I don't want to give up anything unless I know I tried for it. We been together for 7yrs and I don't want it to be a complete waste that's why I stay.

Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
& he denied ever having sex with my ex best friend the first time but the second time he went over to her place and she told me he was trying to have sex with her but he denied that also.
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Personally, I don't think that how long a relationship does or doesn't last tells us much about it's value to us or its quality.

In other words, whether this continues or not, if, while you have been in this relationship, it has had worth and value to you, then it has already been "worth it."

It's probably also worth saying that for most people, we don't stay with the person we started dating in 7th grade forever, or, most often, even for more than a few months or years. That doesn't mean it can't or doesn't happen that a romantic relationship that started then lasts longer, but they don't often, and there are some usual reasons for that. We can talk about those if you like.

When your best friend said he was "trying to have sex with her," can I ask what she meant by that?

I hear you saying that you two can't even talk through his dishonesties and the ways he has broken your monogamy agreements: that he calls attempts to talk those things through nagging. Do I have that right?

If so, in order for this to even have any chance of being a healthy relationship for you to continue in, that has to change. Trust has to be rebuilt -- and earned back on his part -- and you two have to find a way to address and resolve conflicts, not just you holding a bagful of them and toting them around unresolved.

Do you see any way for communication to be repaired here, for him to actually be willing to talk about all of this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes you are right and What I meant by her saying "trying to have sex with her" was that he asked could they have sex. I dont trust her anyways but that fact that he went over there i dont understand. he said he doesnt know why he went over there either. We are trying to rebuild the trust but everytime we do he does something that I don't approve of. He hates when I talk to other guys or even have guy friends but he can talk to other girls if he wants and yes I would love to talk about the unusual reasons for why they don't last often
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, on top of communication being broken down, dishonesty on his part as a pattern, and breaking agreements to be sexually exclusive, he's also possessive and jealous and seeks to control your friendships?

I gotta say, the more we talk, the worse and worse this is looking in terms of not resembling a healthy relationship. At all.

You also say you're trying to rebuild trust, but I'm not sure I understand how if he won't even talk about all of this with you, rather than dismissing it as nagging, and continues to be dishonest with you.

The most common reason that very early romantic or sexual relationships typically only last a few months, and most often no more than a couple years is because those relationships tend to be how we're learning to have relationships, and during a time when we're developing and changing a LOT as people. In other words, they're really not built to last because we're all still becoming who we are in huge ways, and only just starting to learn how to build and have those relationships.

They also tend to be how we start to figure out what we want in those kinds of relationships, so there tends to be a lot of trial and error.

In other words, it's kind of like how middle school might be the right place for you IN middle school, but once you're college aged, it's probably not going to be a very good fit unless that school managed to change and develop right with you. Does that make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes!! I fully understand. I just didn't want to give up on us quite yet but I'm starting to understand that some things are lessons and only that. Also, alot of what your saying is becoming clear. In order to become a better me I have learn from the experiences in my relationship so that I can maintain a healthy one in the future. Like I always say if its meant for us to be together in the future we will be together. I think he needs to learn on his behalf and open of his eyes and realize that he has/had someone good for him.
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I don't think that if we say we're meant to be with someone that can magically manifest that. I also don't think, myself, there really are "meant to be's" with relationships decided from on high.

Ultimately, relationships are active things we make ourselves with the people we are in them with. And relationships are things we also make active choices about.

When someone says "it won't be worth it, unless..." then most of the time, what they are expressing is that a lot of something has been really bad, and to make all that bad stuff worthwhile, they need to stick around so something can get good.

However, having MORE bad stuff -- which is likely if there's been a lot of it so far -- doesn't make something worthwhile. And a lot of bad stuff also means it's much more likely something will stay bad or get worse than get better.

It sounds to me like you've been trying pretty hard to improve this relationship, but you probably already know that that can't just be coming from you. If your boyfriend doesn't want to fix the broken trust and communication -- or even really talk about it, which is ground zero -- and he's also doing things like trying to control your friendships, he's not, obviously, very invested in improving the quality of this relationship. Does that sound about right?

If it does, what do you think you need right now to make the choices you need to? For instance, do you think you might want to try one more time to put all of what's been wrong on the table and ask your boyfriend to seriously talk about it -- for days or weeks, not for ten minutes -- and ask if he really wants to work on things, putting in real effort? Or do you feel like you've already done that enough times, so where you're at right now is just deciding if you want to stick in something that sounds, at best, pretty lousy, or go?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I feel like I have said it many times before and put everything on the table. when we talk about everything, it starts getting better. he buys me gifts, takes me out to eat and tells me that im the love of his life and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but just as soon as things get good he will do something that makes me mad the we will argue again. Im just hoping things will get better. I know I deserve better. It's just that being with this person for so long, has formed an attachment in my heart that I can't remove. As much as I try to leave he does something that makes me believe this could work out for good.
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In order to really resolve conflict and fix probablems, we have to address those conflicts and problems.

Buying gifts, saying sweet things? Those things don't do that. They're nice, sure, but really, they're more of a distraction than anything else. In other words, they just kind of put a band-aid on the booboo so no one looks at it. Meanwhile, the wound is still festering under there, if you catch my drift.

For a relationship to grow and build over time, and be healthy, we have to be able to resolve conflict. That's one of the barest basics. It sounds like despite being together for a really long time, you still haven't been able to do that together, and that seems very, very unlikely to change at this point.

It also doesn't look like things HAVE gotten better, you know? If he keeps refusing to talk seriously about serious hurt you have experienced because of him, that's not better. That's big-time bad news.

Do you want to talk about what makes you think this will radically change? What do you see that suggests he WILL start really communicating with you, will start addressing conflict, will start honoring agreements he makes with you like only being sexual with you?

Do you think that feeling things will get better is because he's showing you, in real ways -- not with gifts -- that things can improve, or do you think that feeling is more about what you want and hope for?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The feeling is more of what I hope to happen. I stopped talking about the incident that happen the beginning of this year because its the past now. I forgave him so there is no point in bringing it back up but it stays on my mind alot. I feel like I have a lot of resentment towards him. I have forgave him so many time that its pointless to even bring up the past anymore to him. For instance he txtd me that he missed me but when he came to my town that night to drop off my roomates bf he didnt bother to come inside. His excuse was that " I started with him because I asked why he didn't come inside to see me like my roommates bf did" he said that I was trying to catch him in a lie because when I seen my roommates bf walk in i asked him where he was and it all went downhill from there.
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That's what I figured.

It'd be awesome if our hopes for something good could make it manifest. But alas, especially when there is someone else involved, our hopes just don't have that power. For a truly healthy, excellent relationship to manifest here, both of you would have to invest in that, big time, and be invested in doing a whole lot of work on it.

I can certainly understand why you feel distrust and resentment: someone continually breaking important agreements they make with us, and then, on top of that, refusing to really even take responsibility for doing that? We're going to learn not to trust them -- because we clearly shouldn't -- and we're going to feel resentful.

It sounds like you know that, in reality, this relationship isn't likely to get any better: it's going to be...well, how it's been.

So, at this point, you just need to decide if that's the kind of relationship you want in your life, and want to keep yourself in, and keep enabling yourself, or if it isn't. If it's not, then it seems pretty clear that the only way to create some change here is to separate yourself from it, take some time to regroup, grieve, and learn who you are separate from this relationship, and when you've had that time (I'd strongly advise against getting involved a new one right now), then you can start dating again to try and seek out the kind of relationship you do want and that is one that's not only healthy, but good, where the other person is as invested in it as you are, is worthy of trust, and will honor agreements they make with you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yea I have been trying to regroup all month. We barely txt and he says he doesn't like talking on the phone because he is too old for that, he rather "spend time w/ me." I have recently found a great "guy" friend and he calls and txts me everyday. He is super sweet and he gets my mind off of him. My boyfriend doesn't notice though. We txt one, maybe two,times out the day and that's it [Frown]
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, when I say regroup, I mean outside the relationship: I mean, after a split, if that's what you choose, in terms of regrouping for yourself, about yourself, and mostly by yourself, save with some support from friends or family.

It sounds to me like it's time to make some active choices here about staying in this or not. Doing what I call "the slow fizzle" -- just letting a relationship fizzle out until one day, no one contacts anyone and no one even says something is over in any real way -- not only tends to leave everyone feeling pretty unresolved, it also won't tend to work with a relationship that's gone on for years rather than only for weeks.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I fully understand you. Thank you sooooo much for your advice. It really helped with a lot !!
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sure thing.

Feel free to pop back if you want more help making your choices here, or help knowing how to communicate whatever they are to your boyfriend. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bbk2k11     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay. Once again thanks [Smile]
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're very welcome. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3