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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Just wondering...

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Author Topic: Just wondering...
Wolverine22
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When is the appropriate time to tell a girlfriend/partner that you don't want children? I just got into a relationship, and I've been thinking about some of these things, and I know it's way early, but I just wondered when I should tell my partners that I never want kids. It's something I've had a change of heart on, but now I'm curious.
Posts: 40 | From: I've lived all over the USA, but I hold true to my Michigan roots | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI Wolverine22,

I have a few thoughts, but they by no means prescribe what everyone should do. Are you feeling like this is something important to tell your partner right now?

Iff you've just gotten into a relationship, I'd say you're a long way away from the "serious conversation about children" stage. Were the two of you to discuss long-term commitment in any way, then it might be appropriate, but right now you're still getting to know each other.

That said, sometimes these things come up in casual conversation, so if it does, I see no reason why you can't express how you feel/what you've been thinking on this subject.

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Robin

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MusicNerd
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Hey Wolverine!

Well, first off before I give my input on your initial question: Is this "relationship" that you're talking about the one with this girl you met a few days ago? If it is, have you two even started talking about a first date?

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Robin Lee
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To Add to what I said above: I think often people worry about whether to discuss such major issues with a partner right off the bat so the partner "knows what they're getting into". With few exceptions, I think it can be fairest to everyone for partners to be able to get to know each other and figure out whether they want to have a relationship for each other. After all, when you're just getting to know someone, there's no telling whether you'll be in a relationship with them for a month, a year, five years, a lifetime; whether you'll instead become best of friends and go on to date other people; or whether it'll be an entirely different scenario altogether.

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Robin

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Wolverine22
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@MusicNerd No, this is just for future reference...and it's been something on my mind. The people that I've "come out to" about not wanting kids have said that it's really going to limit the number of potential spouses I have, and I just don't know when it's right to tell a partner. As for my current girl, I don't see myself with her very long as she's moving to Florida in a few months, and I can't follow her.
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MusicNerd
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Well, I don't think that not wanting to have kids necessarily limits your dating pool. I know people who aren't interested in having children, and it's really all about finding someone who's compatible with you. I also agree that you're definitely in a much earlier point (that getting-to-know-you stage) than discussing having kids with someone. So, that's one less worry. [Smile]

Oh, my question from the last post wasn't if you wanted to talk about having kids with this particular girl. lol [Smile] Looking back on it though, I see how it could've been interpreted in that way.
My question was more along the lines of, "Isn't it kind of early to determine if what's going on between you and this girl is a 'relationship' yet?" I'm only asking because it seems to me (from what you've told me so far, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) that you two haven't started dating yet and that right now it seems that this might be the beginning of a possible dating relationship or she might be a potential dating partner or someone that you have expressed interest in pursuing dating with. This isn't to invalidate your feelings to want to get to know this girl or to want to potentially have a relationship with her. Not at all! It's just that this leads me into the point that I was going to mention (for any future potential relationships), but that Robin already brought up: I think the first step, before worrying about discussing long-term issues such as having kids, is to get to know someone and then find out if the people involved even want a relationship with each other first.

[ 12-22-2012, 01:41 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Wolverine22
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I'm just thinking along the lines of whoever I do end up marrying that it would be like a Taylor Swift love song at first, and then when that question comes up, she'd be like "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT KIDS!?!?" and the relationship would go to hell. I just wondered, when's the appropriate time to put that out there that I don't want children.
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Robin Lee
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Most people discuss children before they marry, though that certainly doesn't stop one or both of them from changing their minds from what they said they wanted.

It sounds to me like you're looking to the long-term right now, when you've been in your current relationship for...less than a week?

So, there really is no right time to tell someone anything, because everyone's needs are going to vary.

Are you thinking that you might want to marry the woman you're seeing right now? How's the relationship going?

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Robin

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Wolverine22
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No I probably won't, and I think we're more really good friends than anything else, I only asked because once I do get into more serious relationships, I really didn't know when the appropriate time to talk about that is.

She might be moving away in June, and I graduate next year (she's a year below me) so it probably won't go that far.

My question really didn't have anything to do with her, but so far it's okay, but with that bit of uncertainty over what will happen in the coming months.

(sigh) We were compatible. But for now, I'm just enjoying what we have in the present. I HIGHLY doubt we'd ever get married, but again, the reason I asked was for future partners down the road.

Posts: 40 | From: I've lived all over the USA, but I hold true to my Michigan roots | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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