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Author Topic: Preferring LDR?
The Confused One
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Hi again!

Last time I talked about my relationships here in Scarleteen, I broke up with an abusive cheater and was getting interested in another guy. It didn't really work out with this other guy. He just didn't show enough interest, I guess? Well, thing is, now theres Guy C. (Note: All 3 guys are people I met in a game called Pardus.

We're both not really sure how or what happened. We've been friends in the same alliance for months. We worked together, chatted in our group voice chat (Mumble), etc etc. All things that you usually do as a team in a multiplayer game. Then one day, we were alone in Mumble and he decided to chat with me privately. We got interrupted a few times by our other friends and I suggested moving convo to skype. Things immediately started developing into strong feelings. We're both happy to have found each other, but sad that we're so far away from each other. He's planning to come down here to visit me sometime next year (hopefully after my uni semester ends in April) and we're both excited about meeting face to face finally.

I've taken precautions for myself, like not calling him my boyfriend or getting TOO close until we meet up and have a few F2F dates. I've mentioned it to him and he doesn't seem to mind, though we've started calling each other "Mine" XD (In fact, he told me to call him 'that creepy guy in my alliance', hehe). I will also, of course, be careful when he does come down to visit me. (My parents wouldn't let me do otherwise, even for a local guy lol)

The worry I'm facing now though, is not to do with him. Well, not really. I'm finding myself feeling strange that the guys I get attracted to, are all from the internet. First guy is from UK, 2nd from Canada and 3rd from America. These 3 guys are the only people that I've ever felt attracted to. The first abusive guy was my first relationship ever. I've never been on a date, never been asked out on a date, never asked someone out on a date and definitely have never met anyone in my surroundings that made me feel silly. I just don't seem to like anyone here.

I've been telling myself that it's just because I don't like the narrow mindedness of the locals and that I'm just attracted to Westerners (usually white) more than locals or Middle Easterns (the foreigners who study here are mostly Middle Easterns). That I'm Western at heart and don't mix well with locals let alone get attracted to one of them.

But is that really the case? I'm studying in an IT university. Majority of the students are guys. Wouldn't I at least find some of them cute? Wouldn't I at least like some of their personalities? I look at my classmates and roll my eyes. I guess what I'm concerned about is if I just can't love someone face to face. If I find LDRs (although they hurt a lot [Frown] ) easier to handle and would prefer it instead of actually trying a F2F one. Afterall, an LDR isn't very physical. Maybe I just feel safer this way? Why would I have this kind of phobia though? Could not knowing how my parents would react (I'm kinda afraid of them, so) to a boyfriend be one of the reasons? Or is it just their stories and scaremongering that has gotten to me? Have they managed to brainwash me into being paranoid?

I just don't want to meet Guy C and find out that I really don't like him at all only because I finally met him F2F and I prefer his online image. I don't even know if that makes sense...

[ 11-18-2012, 04:56 AM: Message edited by: The Confused One ]

Posts: 131 | From: Malaysia | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI There,

You know, you could meet Guy C and find you didn't like him, whether you had this trend of only connecting with folks online or not. Sometimes, we just don't end up getting along with people. Maybe they don't bathe often enough for our liking. Maybe they slurp their coffee in a way that embarrasses us in public. I'm being a little silly here, but I think what I'm trying to say is that this trend you've noticed with yourself may or may not affect how you and Guy C get along when you meet.

I'm voting for this tendency you have to be attracted to guys online rather than in person not being a bad thing. You've listed a few very plausible reasons, such as fear and anxiety over your parents' possible reactions to you dating, feeling culturally incompatible with the guys you're around, and so on.

Also, some people tend to more naturally be attracted to potential partners they've been able to get to know. That is, you might be someone who doesn't have instantaneous attractions to people. You may be someone who builds up attractions over time, in ways that are usually easier to do online.

All this to say that I think you're fine. Again, this isn't a guarantee that you'll like Guy C, but it's also not a reason that your relationship with Guy C is just going to go up in smoke when you finally meet in person.

What do you think of what I've said here?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Confused One
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I guess that makes sense. Eventhough I work with my classmates, know them better than random strangers, I'm still a loner and stick to myself instead of actually interact. Which isn't exactly the same online, where I kinda demand attention [Big Grin]

I guess I'm just worried that I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm more Western at heart. I'm really excited to meet Guy C. I don't think the strong feelings we developed for each other has wavered in the couple of months we've been chatting. He even wanted to come down on my birthday *blush*. So yeah, I'm really hoping it works out and doesn't go poof because of something as insignificant as this.

Posts: 131 | From: Malaysia | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Hi Confused One! I was wondering if you've seen this article yet?

Getting Real: Relationships on the Net

It may help you think over all of what you've been talking about here some more or give you new things to consider.

I also think this is a really good thread to read for people who're in, or are considering, internet relationships:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=001448

Posts: 1182 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Confused One
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Thanks for the links, Onionpie! No, I hadn't read that article before this. Everything written in that article is basically what happened with the ex. He 'groomed' me for abuse, he did this and that and so on. I became obssessed with him, obssessed with keeping him happy, etc. All the things that an emotional abusive relationship was. And because of that, I've learned from my mistakes. Which is why I refuse to call Guy C a boyfriend before we meet F2F for at least a month or two. I'm determinded to keep it a relationship that is more physical than an internet one. More... 'normal' in the sense that majority of the world think of relationships. Sure, we both REALLY like each other, but I'm not going to let myself get too commited. It's very very likely that we're gonna be apart from each other for another few years (I have school and he has a family in America. He might try moving down here for a while, I dunno. I'm not going to control him and force him to do that.), but I think we can work around it. I refuse to fall for the same trick that the ex pulled.

He knows this and definitely respects this. Eventhough trust is a big thing in a relationship, theres still a line and I've drawn mine very clearly. We've already discussed about what would happen if we don't 'click'. He doesn't mind coming down to meet me anyway because then he'd still be able to visit Asia for the first time lol (that's what he says anyway). I don't expect him to be exactly like the personality he has online. We've chatted on webcam once (clothed) and even from that, I knew it was going to be different from what I imagined. He knows that I'm not like the personality I put up online as well and I hope he doesn't end up expecting a lot from me too.

All in all, he seems decent so far and there hasn't been any reason to not meet him for a chat F2F. He's been pretty supportive and haven't reacted the way Guy A and Guy B have whenever I talk about something that can be pretty disgusting to most men (aka the wonderful blood of the month! [Razz] and more...). And obviously, it's still going to hurt if things don't work out. But I've already realised and accepted that all relationships, no matter what form, is going to hurt at the end, if there is an end. Guy B's lack of interest also hurt me, though by that time, I had already accepted this, so it didn't seem as bad. I've grown more calm and trustful of my potential partner. I can say with certainty that I'm no longer as clingy as I was with Guy A. That article helped me in remembering all this and I feel very calm and accepting of this [Big Grin] In fact, the heartache I feel everyday of being so far from Guy C has lessened. ^_^

As for that thread, I've read some of it before. [Smile]

Thanks again, for the links.

--------------------
Wheeeeeeee!

Posts: 131 | From: Malaysia | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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