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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Complicated.

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Author Topic: Complicated.
blah_shelby
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Member # 100657

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I'm not even sure how to explain this, so I'll try and start at the beginning. Bear with me here.
So I met this guy over a year ago, and at first I thought he was really cute and funny and nice. I instantly liked him. Unfortunately for me, upon adding him on facebook, I saw that he had a girlfriend. But I still wanted to get to know him, so we talked for a couple of days. I tried not to flirt with him, but I guess it just happened naturally. After about a week, he asked if I liked him. I said that I did, but that I respected the fact that he had a girlfriend. He then informed me that he was in an open relationship, and polyamorous, and that he liked me too. (A little background here, I have cerebral palsy so I'm classified as disabled, so most people simply look at me as a freak, also I'm about 30 pounds overweight, so I'd been in relationships before, but they were initiated by me, and I'd never had anyone tell me that they liked me before.) For about 2 weeks I debated with myself over what to do about him. I really liked him, but the whole polyamorous thing really freaked me out. I eventually decided to give it a try because, well, why not? I originally planned on only doing it for about 2 weeks. I didn't plan on falling in love with him. I spent the next 9 months hopelessly watching him and his girlfriend be happy together, while he and I would hook up in the shadows a few times a month. He was everything I ever wanted, but I knew I couldn't have him. I became obsessed. I would text him and send him messages on facebook every opportunity I got. But the fact that I couldn't have him and was so in love with him pushed me into a depression which entailed 2 months of binge drinking and cutting myself. I tried being in other relationships to distract myself, but it didn't work. I cheated on both guys with him. During my second attempt at a relationship, he and his girlfriend broke up. I had a panic attack. He asked if he could come home with me to "hang out" for a few hours the next day, and after going back and forth, I said yes. At that point, I trusted him with my body more than anyone. He is the only person I have ever let touch me, he was the first person I gave oral too, he was a lot of firsts to me. I rarely trust people, and I absolutely do not let people in. But I trusted him. Anyway, that whole thing broke out and I saw him a couple of times over the next few months, but not much. I knew that he would be moving away soon, and I would never see him again. I was actually okay with it. Then at the beginning of this most recent summer, I had a surgery that entailed cutting through bone in my leg and implanting a metal plate. While I was in the hospital, all of a sudden he started contacting me a lot. Due to the morphine I was on, I told him things that I normally wouldn't have. I opened up and told him how much his messing with my head had hurt me, and how much I loved him. I still don't know exactly what happened in his head, but a few weeks later, we were dating. It was the happiest I have ever been in my life. To finally have him (and in a monogamous relationship!) was a dream come true. Unfortunately, due to my surgery, I was trapped at home and he's not exactly a welcome face with my family. So we couldn't see each other. But we were in constant contact. He called me every morning, we texted all day, and we skyped all night. Then I started having complications from my surgery, and ended back in the hospital. Although it was a terrible thing for my well being, it was good for our relationship because he came to visit me in the hospital, and we actually got to spend time together. I ended up in the hospital another time after that, and got to see him yet again. I was in the hospital for my birthday, and all I asked for was to see him. My family finally caved and brought him to the hospital (they didn't know he was there before) and actually got to know him and started liking him. A few days after that he was invited over for dinner which, to this day, is still the best night of my life. To have my mom and her boyfriend (who is the only other person on this planet that I trust) and the love of my life all together and getting along was absolutely amazing. After that, we started talking less, and he became distant. Then he broke up with me. I was absolutely devastated. I spent 2 weeks crying and sleeping. That was it. I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus, and I could only sleep because I was taking left over pain pills. I felt completely empty inside. About a month after the breakup, I noticed on facebook (we were still friends because I thought I could handle it) that he was in a new relationship, with a guy. (Note: I am absolutely not homophobic. I knew he was bisexual from the start, and I am too. I was upset because when we broke up, he said "I can't handle being in a relationship right now", and here we were a month later.) I couldn't handle that. I deleted him from facebook, and cried. After that I began feeling better. I made new friends, started a new path for my life, and was happy again. There were still things around me that reminded me of him constantly, but I slowly became okay with it. I was happy for what he had taught me, and for the time we had together, and I chose not to be bitter about any of it.
About a month ago, I happened to be up late when I got a message from him on facebook. I started shaking, but I handled it. We talked about how our lives had been without each other, and I focused on the positives. He told me he missed me. I had led myself to believe that he truly didn't care about me anymore, so this was great to hear. The next night, we skyped. I almost cried when I saw his face again. I never thought I would. He told me that he could tell that I was a happier, more confident person now. But he could tell that I wasn't telling him something. After about an hour of him begging and reminding me that I can tell him anything, I poured my heart out. I told him that I will always love him more than anything in the world, and that I truly believe that we are meant to be together. I don't care what I have, or where I am in life, I know that as long as I have him, I'll be happy. I also told him that I came to realize that I love him because he balances me out (I can be a bit uptight, and he calms me down, and he always shows me the other side of every problem I'm having), he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel happier than I have ever been, and I trust him in a way that I don't trust anyone else. The difference between then and now is that before I felt like I absolutely needed him to live. Now I don't need him, but I want him. He said that he felt the same way, but his hesitation in getting back together is that we live about an hour away from each other, and he has a huge problem with the distance. He kept mentioning that we would be together 2 years from now, but wouldn't talk about what we're doing now. I told him that it's all up to him. He promised that he'd give me an answer the next morning.
I'm yet to get answer. Right now he's spending all of his time high, so I can't get a decent conversation out of him anymore. I am so frustrated. I've tried everything I can think of to try and get him to give me an answer. At this point, I don't even care what his answer is, I just want something. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess my point of this whole huge long post is.... what do I do? I know I want him to be my future, but if I can't get him to give me answer on our now, should I just leave it alone? Or be persistent and maybe even stop talking to him till he makes a decision?

Posts: 3 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI blah_shelby and welcome to Scarleteen!

It sounds like you've had a real rollercoaster of a year with your health and your relationships.

How are you doing now with being happy, maintaining friendships, and so on?

What I'm gathering from the timeline is that you've spoken with this guy since you had that long, serious conversation, but that the conversations you've had haven't been very meaningful. Whether that's because he's high or because he just doesn't want to have a meaningful conversation is impossible for anyone but him to say. If you've asked him for an answer or reminded him that he was going to give you one, how has he responded?

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Robin

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blah_shelby
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Yeah, it has definitely been a rollercoaster, with more downs than ups.
Currently I'm doing fine with friendships, and my happiness goes up and down. Overall, I'm happier with my life than I have ever been, because I have a plan. But as I'm planning my future, not knowing whether or not he'll be in it is causing a lot of stress. I'm not very good with not knowing things.
Yes, I do get a message from him every once in a while, but it's usually just him informing me that he's high, and me pretending like it doesn't bother me. Usually I have no problem with his smoking, but right now he's completely overdoing it and it would be nice if he could stay sober enough to make this decision. There was an incident about a week ago where I was ranting at my friend about how frustrated I am with him, and she texted him telling him that she hates seeing me so stressed and that he needs to give me an answer. He then told me that having my friends "attack" him is not the way to get an answer. That's the only time he's mentioned this situation. I've asked him a few times, and his only response is "I'm too high to know right now."

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smittenkitten
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Hi blah_shelby,

It can be tricky to get a straight answer out of people sometimes. Have you tried agreeing on a time limit with him? For example you could discuss how much time he needs to make a decision and extract a pledge from him that he will tell you within that time. You also need to be firm about your needs - when do you need to know so you can move on with your life?

Unfortunately it's not the kind of decision that can be rushed, but if he seems to be blowing off your concerns, and you've tried to explain to him why his answer is so important, it's not unreasonable to ask him to take some responsibility.

I wish you all the best with it, it sounds like a difficult situation.

Marion

Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blah_shelby
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Member # 100657

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I've thought about giving him a deadline, but one of his pet peeves is people trying to control him, so I'm scared of pushing him away.

Actually, I had a long talk with him last night. As usual he was high, so I didn't try to bring up this whole situation because I don't see a point if he won't remember it the next morning. But he told me how much he misses me over and over again and told me in depth about new work opportunities that he has that are closer to me and said "We can be together and see each other more starting soon!" and seemed very excited. He kept saying all these things that had to do with our relationship, so I'm guessing this means he wants to get back together soon? I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard when he tells me he loves me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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How about not talking to him when he's high?

In other words, setting at LEAST that limit, so when he calls or wants to talk then, you say, "Hey, I'd love to talk to you, but only when you're sober. Why don't you call me back when you are."

Because, really, clearly you need some limits here to even have the possibility of any kind of relationship that's healthy, and you also need feedback and information from this person you can have any sense is attached to his overall reality and tours, not just the world he's living in while he's stoned.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Redskies
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Hi shelby,

I think it's impossible to know where we stand with someone if they won't or are unable to have a conversation with us where they're able to pay us all or most of their attention - in this case, him being high. I can understand your concern about not pressuring him, and that's very considerate of you; I'm concerned that he's not showing you much consideration in return. While it can be difficult to push someone for an answer if they're not sure, one thing that I Do think is totally fair to ask of someone is a conversation where they're paying us full attention - that is, a bit of time where they're not too busy, too exhausted, or on any mind-altering substances. I think it would be very reasonable to ask him for a conversation where he's not high, and for him to make time for that. If someone can't commit to a conversation like that, it doesn't seem like they're in a place where they're able to commit to a relationship. It sounds as if he might be using being high as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for his own feelings and wants (either particularly here, or generally in his life at the moment), and that's not fair on you, and not a situation that's very liveable with long-term.

(Edit: crossed with Heather, sorry for the redundancy...)

[ 11-29-2012, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Redskies ]

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I don't think it was redundant at all! Love the points you added. Big-time cosign.

Especially this:

quote:
If someone can't commit to a conversation like that, it doesn't seem like they're in a place where they're able to commit to a relationship. It sounds as if he might be using being high as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for his own feelings and wants (either particularly here, or generally in his life at the moment), and that's not fair on you, and not a situation that's very liveable with long-term.


--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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