Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » appropriate/ inappropriate? (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3   
Author Topic: appropriate/ inappropriate?
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 5 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have a few questions regarding dating. If there are any articles related to what I'm asking can you link them? (I looked "dating," "first date," up couldn't find much)

Okay so tomorrow I have a date, well, to meet a guy from a online dating site. So far the conversations we've had on the dating site in the messages and now in text messages, it's going pretty well.

What isn't wise to say on the first date?

What are the warning signs of a date asking for something I don't want? Sex, drugs, anything to make me feel uncomfortable.

Is it okay to talk about what our intentions in a relationship are? like Long-term relationship, short-term, serious, sexual, etc.

Maybe I should ask what is appropriate to talk about on a first date and what isn't?

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jacob at Scarleteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think it's cool just to think about a date in the same terms as relationships in general.

So really you're looking to see how compatible you two are with eachother and for what, be-it friendship, relationship, mortal enemies, whatever. What you're saying isn't just impress to the other person... and so it's totally cool to bring up topics that completely bomb with them if it's the kind of thing you want to talk about and they're just not compatible enough with you to 'get-it'. You learn something there.

If it's really important to you to know what his intentions are, and you feel comfortable asking now, then it's worth asking.

You could check with him about what he wants to talk about by saying, for example: "are you comfortable talking about x,y,z because I'm really interested to hear what you think and see if we're in the same place... or shall we just leave that for another date?"... You can quite casually negotiate those boundaries, if improvising doesn't feel doable for you.

As per avoiding stuff that you don't want to get into... meeting in a public place where you have a clear get-away and can be in control of the situation, can mean that you can turn down any of those things without having to feel pressured into it.

Not sure there are warning signs, other than just your gut, which it's worth responding to, even if you're wrong there's no need to go through with a date which feels really uncomfortable... Also if the person has lied about what they look like in a big way (not just that they're 2 inches shorter than they said)... I'd say that'd send off a couple of warning bells in my head, that this person isn't someone I feel comfortable trusting.

I haven't looked through all the articles but there's a section in the middle of this article that discusses meeting up: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/getting_real_relationships_on_the_net

[ 10-08-2012, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

Posts: 598 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That date got cancelled. It's okay.

I have a question. Does age matter in a relationship?

I met someone who is really nice, respectful, gentle and really sweet. He cares deeply about his daughter. When I'm talking with him and when I hung out with him, his age never bothered me. Others may think I can do better or someone my age. How old is too old? My parents are 17 years apart and I don't find that a massive deal.

I don't want others to judge me for seeing or possibly dating someone older than I am.

A few weeks ago I asked my cousin if it mattered if I dated someone who is 10 years older than I am, she said, no, but asked me if I wanted to date someone like that, I said I don't know but I'm open to someone that is 10 years older than I am I'm fine with it.

Him and I have talked about dating and our feelings, he told me it's up to me. He doesn't push me he is very patient.

Does age really matter in a relationship? Does someone having a child make things more difficult, because I think it doesn't make things difficult.

I don't want to be judged that is my main concern. The feeling of judgment bothers me.

I'm not going to release information on the age of the person I can say the age gap is lower than my parents age gap is.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think that's a tricky question, because anything and everything can matter in any kind of relationship.

That said, it's usually younger people who will say or think age doesn't matter: older people will usually say they know that it usually does (if they're being honest) and that it can make big differences. It's easier to know that, really, when you have already been the age of the younger person, even if your lives were pretty different. We know, for example, that who we were at 20 tends to be a very different person than who we are at 30, 40 or 50, and that what relationship skills and priorities we had then will have tended to be very different than even ten years later.

As well, all kinds of people are going to have all kinds of opinions about nearly everything. Anything we do or don't do can result in judgment from other people. No matter what we do or don't in life, there's no avoiding that possibility.

If you're asking if age differences can create issues in relationships, yes, they can. And the larger the age difference, often the more challenging it can be in some ways.

Personally, in your case, my main concern would be a) that you have had a lot of complex issues you have needed help working with around sex and dating, period, and haven't really started on any of that yet, and b) as a survivor of family sexual abuse, an older sexual partner, particularly someone who is also father, would make that AWFULLY tricky for most survivors in that position to navigate. Especially if they hadn't yet even really started any counseling or healing work.

Does having children -- one person having children they had before dating -- complicate dating? Most typically, yes. People who are parenting rarely can go about their other relationships or dating in a way that those of us without them can.

To boot, it's pretty complicated for the children involved, especially if and when someone gets to a point in a dating relationship where the child is involved in any way. I'd say if you have the idea a child in the mix makes no difference, you probably want to give yourself a reality check around that, and make sure you're even ready to date someone with a kid: if so, I think you need to be ready for it to make quite a big difference and for it to pose some challenges, because it usually will.

[ 10-09-2012, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
P.S. We've got a few pieces about age-disparity in sexual and romantic relationships at the site if you'd like to start with some more in-depth information. here are some to start with:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/big_divides_in_highly_age_disparate_relationship
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/hes_older_im_intimidated_and_unsure
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/whats_age_got_to_do_with_it

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I understand judgments are everywhere and there is no way around getting out of them.

It's not a massive large age difference and yes he has a daughter which she is 3. He got a divorce because she was gold-digging him and he tried dealing with the fact of what she was using him for money.

I'm not going to ask him if I can meet his daughter if we ended up dating, I would want to be sure in the relationship so his daughter doesn't fall attached to me. If I end up dating him, I would want to date for at least 3 months before meeting his daughter.

I know I have a lot of complex issues around sex and dating and I'm on a wait list for counseling and I'm seeing my doctor next week to discuss my health concerns and counseling (which would take 4-8 weeks to start counseling) and yes being a victim of sexual abuse.

I'm willing to change for myself if I do have a relationship with him. Not sure Heather but I am working hard on myself, not sure if you know that, but I am. I'm not just saying that to make things better, No I'm not in counseling but yes, I'm working on my issues. I do have to be honest, my mood is down because of my grandma being in the hospital with brain and lung cancer stage 1 and finding out she stopped breathing. That is the only hard thing that I'm dealing with at the moment and yes there are other struggles as well and I'm coping very well with.

I'm getting my financial struggles worked out; having a full time shift work overnight is really rewarding.

I'm going to push myself to talk about this with my cousin and see what she thinks, but she is going to tell me it's my choice but she will most likely discuss it with me.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I hope you know that when I voiced that concern for you, it wasn't about me saying you haven't made efforts of your own. I know you've been doing a lot over just the past few months, and that some of the help you haven't gotten is something that isn't in your control.

I only voiced that concern because I do have it. If I'm honest, I'd say I have it about you dating, period, at this point, because based on what I know of you and what I've read from you over the time I have, it strikes me as potentially trying to do that too soon, especially with where you were at even less than a year ago and you not yet getting any counseling around your abuse.

But those are my concerns, and I'm just putting them out there as someone who works with you. You, obviously, still get to make your own choices, and get to put as much or as little stock in my concerns and opinions as you want to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I need to step out for about an hour and half to do testing for my doctor and I'll come back and read the articles and thank you Heather.
Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Heather, I read them all, I mainly read What's Age Got To Do With It? I read the other two, I just stopped reading the other two because it didn't stick out to me as the one I read. I have to say, the 'So, Can It Work?' section really opened my thoughts up more. The article really helped me.

After my night shift tonight 11pm to 7am, both him and I are going to hang out before he has to head off to work I think this is a great opportunity to talk about things that are important like the 'So, Can It Work?' part in the article, which has a ton of things I should bring up; what he did my age, what I may be like 10 years from now to 20 years from now, so on and so on; talk openly about sex and sexual health and safety, hang out with not just him but his friends and family and vice-versa, to go out and enjoy ourselves.

I know it's my choice in deciding what to do next and when him and I hang out I'll talk to him about the things I'm going to talk to him about, from the list from the article and some of my own questions. I haven't yet had a chance to discuss this with my cousin. I was going to while we ate dinner together, it was a perfect time to bring it up. I need to talk to him before I talk to her about it. I need to have my answers answered first.

I understand the difference of me being 19 and not knowing what 29 feels like, at 19 my life is just starting and even at 29. 29 I may be more mature, have a blooming successful career that has took off or even expanding my career. I don't know what 29 feels like because I'm not 29. I may have a child then or children, or just getting started on children and marriage. 19 till 29, many things may happen and change for the better or even worse.

I know it doesn't refer me but the 'Age, Consent and... Rape?!' part does and doesn't refer to me. I'm of age and therefore am able to consent. He isn't in an authority over me so that isn't even an issue. The rape part, yes I've been sexually abused as a child, I'm not sure if the age is even related at all. I was strictly looking for a relationship and we met, talked, it went well. We text and he really loves his daughter and when he was at work he told me he couldn't wait to see her. We talk about different things in text messages and when we met in person we talked. There is a spark and I felt comfortable around him when we met. All I can do is wait till tomorrow to discuss the questions with him. He even said to me which I came across in the articles, that I'm young and my life is just beginning and his has taken off already. He asked me if I was planning on going to school and what I wanted to do if I figured it out yet. I was surprised that he asked me that. I was honest with him, that I'm still thinking if I want to start in the Winter or next fall and if I don't in the Winter I am next fall. He said that it was good that I have plans most people don't he admitted he didn't have it all well-rounded at my age.

The one article I was reading but stopped, was the one about the girl being 22 and in a relationship with a 60 year old man. It fascinated me a bit that she explained she didn't want him to use her for a De-stressor and such. I'm not using him for a De-stressor I'm truly looking for a relationship, long term, honest, passion, trust, friendly, fun, and such, not for sexual purposes, sure it may go in that direction like most relationships do. I do have a relationship with him, I'm not dating him, but we have a friend relationship right now which I like. I know it's still early in knowing if it could turn into something more then just a friend relationship.

Tomorrow when we hang out I'll talk about everything with him, get his thoughts, feelings and suggestions/concerns about it all.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
HI Alergnon,

If I'm reading this right, you were going to hang out with him today. How did that go?

I think it's important to remember in all of this that a first date doesn't commit you to anything. I realize that you're looking for a long-term relationship, but the likelihood of finding that from the first first-date you go on is pretty small, whether or not you discuss the serious things you have mentioned.

To make a silly example: If you are disgusted by people who slurp their coffee, and you go on a date with a guy who slurps every single sip of his coffee louder than you've ever heard anyone slurp their coffee before, you're not going to want to se him again, regardless of whether you have conversations about compatibility, sexual expectations, etc.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It didn't work out. At first it was going well, just some conflicting things happened within me and his answers, so the best thing for me was to not continue our friendship.

I am going out with a friend/co-worker to a pool and dart pub type thing to play pool with her. I need to get out and enjoy myself.

I'm still going to look around but right now, I may stay off the online dating sites and just get out and meet new people instead like today, going out with my friend to play pool maybe I'll meet people there, well I should it's a pool and dart place. [Smile]

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That sounds like an extremely sensible choice, Alergnon, as you felt conflicted and listened to that. It's usually in our best interests to listen to our guts. [Smile]

It's fantastic that you're taking such good care of yourself with chilling out with your buddy and playing some pool.

I hope you have/had fun and got to relax a bit, and I agree - you do need some time to enjoy yourself.

--------------------
~ Saffy
Scarleteen Volunteer

To my Abuser: I'm seeing stars. I bet you can't do that.

Posts: 1265 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You know, while I still feel like a sexual or serious relationship isn't such a good call for you, looking at your last few posts, I feel like I was hasty in saying that dating, period, didn't seem like such a good idea. And I'm really sorry, because I feel like I underestimated you and the progress you've made, Alergnon.

Seeing you evaluate things like this, rather than kind of desperately grabbing at them, and screening someone out based on your feelings, and what you want like this? It makes pretty clear I was obviously wrong in my assessment about dating and you.

Again, I'm sorry for that, and kudos to you: sounds like you're doing really well with this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I had a great time with my friend playing pool it was funny, I laughed so hard, never thought playing pool was fun. We talked about some pretty interesting and funny things that other people around us (guys) were looking over at us. Haha.

So, I'm talking then my friend is talking, next thing I know, "Hey, here is my number..." I was shocked someone came up to me and gave me his number, LOL. My friend her jaw dropped to the floor, I forgot what he said to me I just remember the paper he gave me.

I called the number, he wasn't there, so left a message.

I'm still laughing over it. I saw him and inside I'm like, "wow he is... really good looking!" Okay I know this brings back to the conversation, I had no idea who he was. I had bought a vodka shot and he took my order, yes I was flirting with him. Anyways, once I paid for the drink he is like, "Your really beautiful," What a flattering thing to say. I told my friend. He is the owner of the pool and darts place and the bar.

I even guessed his age, because he asked me to guess it before I bought the drink, well I asked him how much the drink was. Overall it was really fun to get out and have fun, can I also say be 'wild' and 'free' like a human.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Heather it's okay, I needed it, it helped me think more and the articles really helped me.
Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for being understanding about my gaffe. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hehe, it's okay.

I'm feeling a bit more better with myself, I learned some very good, excellent information and thoughts from that one article that I read. I will be referring myself back to the article more and more. [Smile]

My day off yesterday was really fun, I enjoy playing pool.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It sounds like it. [Smile]

Also sounds like in a relatively short time -- less than a year -- you've figured out ways to let off steam and have fun that don't do you harm and support you feeling good rather than giving you new things to feel bad about. I think that's fantastic.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wonder what I should do tomorrow on my day off? Hmmm, hehe. Maybe go to the pool, dart and bar again, see if my friend would like to tag with [Smile] Kinda hard to play pool by yourself... in less someone there would join, aha. Who wouldn't I'm "cute" and I'm very nice. [Razz]

This morning... my friend sent me a text message hoping it would be the guy who gave me his number, haha, got all worked up for nothing. He finally texted me [Smile] I guess he was at the dentist...

He also seems very chill and relaxed not all like, tense and angry. I think my attraction to him has to do with (he isn't all that tall but taller than I am... I'm 4 9) how tall he is but he wore this hat and it just, you know that feeling of, "Oh my what am I seeing..." wide eyed. I was like that, hehe. But I was so consumed in other things his appearance wasn't like what I was looking at. When I bought a shot, that was when his personality stood out to me. The light humor he made was really sweet and innocent. I gave him my ID and he's like, "what is this for..." and smiled at me. Me I'm like, "hmm ID for my age..." One of his employers is like, "Why what age do you think you are?" He tried to even talk my friend into buying me the shot for me, telling her if I was her date, she is like, "we're just playing some pool and we're friends having a good time," and he's like, "awe well, I think your friend deserves a friend like you to pay for it..." [Razz] I paid for it myself. I think he was disappointed in me buying my own shot and my friend didn't.

Anyways, I will be going back to the pool, dart and bar again, I love their jukebox!

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So I'm getting to know the guy who gave me his number more. He's right when he doesn't give his number out to just anyone. He hasn't been in a relationship for years because he said he was never interested and when he saw me he is now interested but doesn't know why, he can't really answer why. He said, "To answer ur question about y I gave u my number... I just had a feeling. Sometimes when u see someone something clicks. For some reason ur looks, body, eyes did something different for me." Then he is like, "Unexplainable really...."

I told him when I saw him I was pulled into him and I never knew he was, who he was, just I was pulled in, I even can't explain the feeling either. It was just breath taking. I've never felt that way before, pulled in like that with anyone and I never even talked to him when it happened. When I did, my mind got cloudy and foggy, I literally couldn't see him, his appearance just, I have no idea what I saw the feeling was just overpowering like head lighted but a good feeling, relaxed.

Then at the bar, I saw him, I mean I really saw him even after being introduced to him, once I ordered and he did light humor I saw him, his appearance. Yes, I saw him when I got introduced but I could never see him until at the bar. I have no idea if that even makes sense or what I even experienced makes sense. I understood what he was telling me, I understood it clearly.

What is like happening? Is what I described even normal?

I'm going to hang with him in an hour before I work at 11pm. I feel nervous but the feeling of relaxed and feeling free is overpowering the feeling of being nervous.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, sounds to me like he put it well: sometimes, we feel connections with people right off the bat. And often, that's how initial strong attraction works, too. Nothing so super-inexplicable about that in my book. Attraction often does tend to be pretty instant for a lot of people. I'd just not affix all kinds of extra meaning unto it, especially when you have just met someone and don't know each other at all well to know if it is anything more than that.

Maybe this is a first time for you of feeling strong attraction?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Strong Attraction? Yes, maybe. I just, how am I suppose to explain this, I've never felt a strong attraction before, I've been attracted to others but it wasn't like what I felt and are feeling. Just throughout my veins their just... relaxed. I have butterflies in my stomach but they don't feel like butterflies when your a kid, it's just all over. It's like a knot but a relaxed one... This what I felt yesterday when I saw him, the feeling to cry, but I... I have no idea, like, it's powerful. I'm not sure how to explain this.
Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
On the whole, strong attraction really isn't something we can explain, just like we can't really explain why we have cravings for one kind of food and not another when it's not about nutritional needs.

The bonus is we don't need to explain those feelings: we can just experience them.

And you're right, that CAN feel very powerful.

In your case, since you've had a history with connections that have had a lot of danger or potential harm involved, some of what you're feeling might also be experiencing what it's like when you not only feel a strong attraction, but it's not about taking big risks or doing yourself harm with someone else, if you catch my drift.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay I need to get going so I'm not late. I'll let you know tomorrow morning (when I return back from work) how it went. [Smile]
Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sure thing. Have a great time. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey Heather that does make sense about the last part. Thank You.

Got to go, now.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yesterday evening till I left (which he drove me because it was raining) we watched 2 TV shows and a movie on Netflix. Then work was supper busy, I mean I started at 11pm and it felt like an hour went by and my co-worker is like, "It;s 1:30am" I'm like wow. I'm still doing the same thing since 11pm, which consisted a ton of baking. I had to of baked 800 muffins not including, breakfast stuff, oatmeal (which takes 2 hours to make) helping with glazing and putting fondon on donuts and cleaning and going inside and out to get to the main freezer outside for boxes, then cleaning... Spent like over an hour cleaning.

After work I went back to his place, I took a shower [Smile] felt better after, all that sugar that got stuck to my skin was gone. We watched some si-fi show and we where goofing around after.

I'm not sure what I would call him and I. We click and just chill, you know. I felt relaxed with him and safe. His age at this point doesn't really do anything, it doesn't define me at all, if someone respects me and offers things that most guys would never ask, it shouldn't really matter.

My cousin had sent me a text message because I had left yesterday evening and I was just letting her know I'm hanging out with a friend and would return around noon. She sent me a message that said, "You didn't come back last night?? Seems like you haven't slept in too long!! Be careful. Thx for the message."

I can't wait to work, Saturday and Sunday work 7am to 3pm (thought I worked the night shift but I'm being trained still) then Monday to Thursday all night shifts, 11pm to 7am. [Smile] Can't wait to get paid next Friday so I can pay my bills...

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
800 MUFFINS! Goodness.

In general, when we've just had a first date with someone after we only met them the night before, I don't think we call each other anything, really, just like if we just met someone and hung out with them one time as a friend. We might not even call that person our friend yet, you know?

Getting to know people takes a while, and same goes with figuring out what our relationship is with them and then talking about that together. But that's okay: we don't have to have names for that process beyond "getting to know them." [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yea 800 Muffins is intense... lol, for me. Lifting 20 muffins on the rack for the oven, putting it in closing the door and opening the door just to bring them out to cool. I slightly burned myself a few times, didn't hurt it was like a silver touch.

I don't feel tired nor awake at the moment. Wednesday was my day off and I I stayed up all night then, just getting 3 hours of sleep and Thursday I tried to nape but you know how hard it is when there is literally construction beside you? I was half asleep and I was in the process of texting someone and next thing you know, *BOOM* then the house shock, like a earthquake. They created a new road to deroute the traffic right beside the trail that goes really far and beyond the city. Now there is massive hole in the road... so yesterday I never slept and I stayed up all night last night and it's almost 12:30pm here, I'm still wide awake. They are still at the construction... I know I need rest...

Yea. I know we're friends. I love how he is so laid back and chill. I'm not wanting to label it, I know we're friends and that's a common thing to say.

Okay, I'm forcing myself to go to bed with all this loud construction going on...

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well my work is cut out for me, my massive nap was really good. The construction wasn't to bad, woke up to things I need to be doing for a web site I'm volunteering for, but that's about it.

So him and I are going to hang out again sometime, not sure when because his pool, dart and bar is going to be busy for the next 6-9 months.

He expressed that most people look at owners of a bar to be whores and sleeping around. He told me he'd rather not have sex because it's not the only thing and there are things to do that are fun to do besides sex. The conversation came up after we're goofing around and that someone was at his door. I told him I'd rather not have sex either, like it's great but it's not the only thing.

So why do people typically see bar owners to "getting around"?

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have no idea.

But then I also don't understand -- oddly, was *just* talking about this on facebook -- why people use "whore" to mean something other than "sex worker," and why people use that word otherwise, and as an insult, the way that they do.

So, I may be the wrong person to ask about this. Especially since I also don't have any judgments to make about how few or how many people anyone chooses to engage in sex with, either, and don't tend to put any stock in the opinions of people who do make those kinds of judgements. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yea, maybe the word "whore" isn't a great word to use.

I wanted to ask, I'm 19 and therefore it's my choice what to do with it, right? I know this myself. Yesterday evening I went to his place, then left for work from there. After work I went back and hung out with him. I'm wanting to again tonight, but I work in the morning and my cousin knows I work in the morning and she may... "catch on" to me disappearing and question me. I'm not going to his place to sleep with him, we haven't really done much, we fooled around this morning but nothing massive.

She asked me how my friend was, I said she is good. I then said, yea she is having a birthday party at the pool, dart and bar and she wants me to come with, which I am if I'm not working. She thinks I've been hanging with her yesterday evening and this morning. I even said, we watched some TV shows on Netflix and such... meaning I was referring to the guy but I said, her... I know I can't hide this for a long time. But, it's my private life, my private sexual life, personal life, fun life, relaxed life, and friends part of it and where I go.

When I came back I just talked about how busy work was. She never asked me about where I was, and I said in a text message before I was out with a friend before work.

Is this a normal feeling? Feeling not paranoid but a bit private in telling others because it is a private thing.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's absolutely normal to feel private about things. [Smile]

There are good secrets and bad secrets, you know?

It sounds like you're worried about this, though. Can you say more about what it is that is making you want to keep this private? It sounds like you're getting to the point where you're going to have to weave increasingly elaborate stories to explain your absence.

Do you worry about judgment from your cousin? Has she said things before to make you think that she thinks about and worries about what you do with your time?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alergnon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes, I am worried about this, not because of where I'm going just the outcome of my cousins response. I'm wanting to keep this private, not only myself but him as well. He had a horrible year from his past girlfriend which resulted him in calling the police on her, anyways, he wants him and I to be private. He hasn't dated in a year due to that reason. He said he never gave anyone his number or anything and when he saw me he gave me his number.

I don't find him to be an issue at all, he respects me, he doesn't try anything weird or take advantage of me. He is 38. My one friend knows his age which is fine, she didn't judge me but joked and said, "you like older men don't you." To some others they may find it an issue, it's my personal choice what I do with my life and who I hang around.

Yes, I'm worried to be judged by her. It's annoying when she nags me, I mean, all break loose inside of me, I stand their and listen. Yes I also tell her okay I get it I don't want to talk about it anymore, she continues. She has said she feels like she needs to be my parent and that I'm an adult and she should treat me like one. I never asked her to be my parent at all.

Some things she has nagged me about is, like yesterday, she went on and on about me cleaning my bathroom, which I did, to her It's not well cleaned. I cleaned the tub and toilet. So if I set the cleaning stuff to the side, she puts it back in the doorway... hmm, yea. She doesn't use the bathroom, it's basically my bathroom. Oh, and about dishes... if I forget to wash a pot that I used she gets all like, "somebody forgot to clean her dishes..." Literally, I let it soak and I put it in the sink an hour before. Yes, I've left dishes out, so does she.

It's incredibly hard to actually cope properly and I miss cigarettes to death. I stopped due to doctors where blaming my smoking on my health. Smoking for me is very private so I'd rather not have people know this. My cousin goes on and on if she smells cigarettes, sees someone who smokes, etc., and goes on and on about the health concerns. I get it, it's bad, I know this... last thing I want her to do is know that, she would nag me everyday about smoking.

Other than that she is fine. I like her, we laugh and such.

About the time part, she has worried about me not sleeping nor eating due to I work over nights. Like, first week was training during the day, the week that just past, I worked nights and I had went out to a "friends house" and chilled with him then went to work. After work I hung with him again till he needed to get to work. She texted me telling me she is worried about my sleep and eating. "You didn't come back last night?? Seems like you haven't slept in too long!! Be careful. Thx for the message." she sent me. She thinks I'll get very ill. I'm fine.

Honestly, I need to stop worrying myself of what she will ask or tell me. I've never had anyone over before, I don't do drugs nor drink, I respect her house, and yes I'll admit I'm behind on rent but I am getting paid next week and will pay the rent and over due fee that she charged each week, that is the only thing that I haven't done. She doesn't have rules but to not invite others over when she isn't home or okay with it when she doesn't know them.

Who I hang out is my choice and my sexual life is private and if I choose to tell others then that is my choice. I'm still thinking if I should tell her I'm hanging with a friend who is male, she may want to meet him know his age, what he does, etc., so, at this point that is private. Him and I haven't even had sex, we just goof around, but mainly hang out, cuddle and just relax.

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, it sounds like your cousin is being a little doting and condescending but that you are getting along with her overall. It sounds like while she's treating you a bit like a child (as you say, you didn't ask her to parent you) overall she's expressing concern more than anything, and isn't asking you to account for your time.

So, it's up to you what you do and don't tell her, though I will say that sometimes when we get into making up stories and telling different people different things, it can be hard to keep up with the things we made up.

It sounds like you really want to respect this guy's privacy. I'm also glad to hear though that you've told a few people about him. It's one thing to be private about something, and quite another to keep it secret altogether.

It sounds like you're still thinking on what to tell your cousin and still just taking things as they come with your dates with this guy.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3