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Author Topic: Is this rape?
Solusipse
Neophyte
Member # 48214

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Hello.
I have posted a question on here about a year or two ago. I am still very confused about things.
If anyone has any questions about my situation that they need answered before my questions can be answered, please ask.
I also apologize if my writing is sloppy. I am trying to get this all out at once without having to think too much about it.
I just want to know if I am overreacting to things or not.
Ok...

I want to state first off that my boyfriend is the only person I have ever slept with. My virginity was always something that I felt was special, and wanted to give it to someone who I felt was also special.
We first had sex very soon into our relationship. I felt comfortable with him, even though the first time we did it, my vagina was apparently "too tight" and he couldn't keep erect. He felt as if all of the lube had been fully used in the condom, so he pulled it off and went to his drawer. He said that he had no more condoms(I found out several months later, after he admitted to me, that he did indeed have condoms left from his previous relationship that were not expired)
We went to his car and he pulled his penis out again and started stroking it and stated that "something needed to be done about *it*"
I was not expecting that. I didn't know what to do.
He pointed to my mouth and asked if I could go down on him. For more personal reasons, I wasn't comfortable with the idea, so I made it known.
He said we could go to 7-11 to pick up condoms. So we did and I lost my virginity to him in his car.
About a week or more later, as if to surprise me he casually says, "So I wanted to tell you what some of my biggest fantasies are." and brings up a costume fetish(which I readily engaged in), a foot fetish(which I readily engaged in),deep throating(not something I was sure about) and his biggest fantasy- anal sex.
I thought he was joking. I told him that I didn't mind the sound of the first two fetishes, but deep throating I might try but it'd take some time to get used to the idea, and I probably couldn't ever do anal. At that time, he said,"I know, that's fine." Then he began pressuring me.
The next day, actually. For oral sex. After I was fine doing that for him, he began pressuring me for anal even more.
When we did have sex, he would wait until I was finished and then tell me to sit with my hands in my lap a lot of times and give him a blow job, or he would tell me to lay down while he went at it on top of my face.

I feel like I wasted my virginity on him. I felt as if he acted like I was so "tight" (he actually said that I was so tight that I should get a dildo to stretch it out--which I am aware, does not permanently stretch it out, but he wasn't), said that he felt like we were "one person" all romantic-like when we had sex, and felt wonderful and he loved being with me, just to gain my trust, just so that he could get what he was really after.He needed someone who would love him, he needed someone who could be guilted into having anal sex with him.
He started telling me about how he had no interest in vaginas and how with his ex, the condom broke and she still felt terrible.
I just felt like a failure as a female. I know that sounds terrible, but sex was great for me. Why wasn't it for him?

He had been threatening to break up with me if I don't allow him to have anal sex with me.

For this reason, I agreed to a one time thing.
We tried, it was too tight, he didn't want to wear the condom, so we stopped.
A day later, he asked to try again and record it. This was to be the very last time.
I agreed.

The next day he told me that the video came out bad and asked to try it again. I said I didn't want to.

He knew well before all of this that this was not even something I ever wanted to try. The first time we tried I expressed that it was painful, and he stopped after some hesitation.

However, from this time on he had been pressuring me to do it again and wanted to make a deal that we would do it every month, or every special holiday/birthday, every few months, etc. To pressure me/convince me further that my vagina wasn't satisfying, he took me to my computer, typed in a link, and showed me a video of a camera going in and out of a vagina, compared to a camera doing the same in a butt. The vagina was spacious and therefore unappealing, but the butt was tight and looked as if it were, as he put it, "actually meant for a penis."
He expressed many times that most girls loved it. Even asked if he could buy me a plug after I said no to the whole thing several times. He just did not get it. He DID end up buying me a "unicorn horn" but ended up using it for himself instead.
At one point he was fingering my vagina and slipped his penis inside with no condom. His expression seemed puzzled and he said,"it actually feels good. Maybe when we get married and have kids and you get your tubes tied or I get a vasectomy we will do it this way."
I brought this up some time later, feeling hopeful for the future. He said,"I never said that. No, especially not after we have kids, your vagina takes 7 years to go back to its normal size. We're still going to have anal after we get married and have kids.Especially then! "

Again, after pressuring me, I said I didn't want to, and he has continued fingering my butt and asking me. I have also mentioned that I dislike being fingered there. It had come to the point where he'd lay on top of me and do it and laugh like he's being playful.
I tell him to please stop and he continues. I don't see this as something he is doing to be intentionally cruel, but simply that he lacks basic boundaries.

Back to my question though.
He went on vacation at one point and when he came back the first thing he did was show me some BDSM hentai that he bought. I paged through it and acted OK with it, though inside it absolutely disgusted me.
I just wanted to spend time maybe cuddling or whatever after that, but he immediately got us both on the floor and began fingering my vagina and kissing me.
This was one of the times I thought maybe we would have vaginal sex, so I welcomed his advances. He pulled my pants down, while still fingering me and suddenly put his penis in my butt. I remember being confused and not knowing what to do, but all I said was "ouch" and instead of actually saying no(I didn't think I should have to considering that he knew my view on the act...I thought he KNEW that I didn't like it/did not want to continue because I had already begged him to stop asking me and told him my views on it time and time again before this), I made sounds and faces that I thought would relay to him that I was in extreme pain and did not want this. I didn't know what to do. He wouldn't listen when I told him that I didn't like doing this, he just kept asking and this time he just stuck it in without me realizing what was going on.

This happened again in his basement one day. He bent me over his pool table and began fingering my vagina and kissing me. I don't know why I expected that we would have vaginal sex again, maybe I was just hopeful, I felt deprived and like a failure as a woman that I could not satisfy him by just having vaginal sex. I wanted to feel good too, I didn't want to always have to be in pain.
Anyway, so this time again I had not seen it coming. He pulled my pants down and began putting his penis near my vagina, and I asked if he had a condom(he never did- I bought them), he said no and stuck it in my butt again. I told him it hurt and felt too dry(he often just used spit or hand lotion) and he said he would go slower(not my intention- I meant for him to stop-but didn't SAY it-<< that's where I'm confused). After a few slow thrusts he informed me that it wasn't "doing it" for him and asked to move to this wobbly plastic lawn chair and asked for me to be on top. I pulled my pants up and said "I don't know.." and he said "come on" and began, again, kissing me and fingering my vagina.
He moved us over to the chair, pulled our pants down and sat me on top of him. I said something again about it hurting and he said it wouldn't hurt as much with me on top. I didn't know what to do. I should have left, but I was afraid that if I left he would break up with me or be angry with me somehow. I don't know why that even mattered, but it did. I moved a bit away from him but he didn't seem to realize that meant "I don't want to" and he put his penis in and pushed me down onto it and continued moving my body up and down on top of him. After some time of him making noises of dissatisfaction, I quickly got up and said "I can't" and left. The smell and the pain combine was making me absolutely sick.

He initiated it a few more times and I felt so defeated and so confused about the whole relationship and I would just hesitate and shove my face into pillows to bury my pain.

After all this I resisted it for some time/tried to avoid seeing him and New Year's Eve came along.
He said we had to talk. I knew what it was about. He realized that I was avoiding having anal with him. We didn't have sex anymore because I would try to initiate it or put myself on top of him and try kissing him and he would say he had to go. I asked a few times if he wanted to have sex and he said it wasn't a good time, every time. The only things he would do were finger my butt or touch my butt and I would then say no. He would beg me and I would persist. Gladly these times he did not just go for it. If I had let him take my pants off like I had the times that I thought we were going to have vaginal sex, I'm sure he would have done it.
Anyway, on New Years Eve he brought up that me avoiding it was a big problem and it needed to change. I said, again, that I didn't want it. He tried making a deal with me again, to have anal sex every couple of months and for his birthday. If we didn't, we would have to break up. He knew how important this relationship was to me, how hard I've tried to make things work, and especially how afraid I was of losing him. I told him multiple times throughout the relationship, how afraid I was of losing him. So he used this. But did he use it to manipulate me, or was it just simply the truth? He could not live without it even though we started the relationship off without me having a clue about this fetish and him acting completely fine- and satisfied with my vagina?

I agreed for fear of losing him and we had consensual anal sex that night because I wanted to get the first one over with as soon as possible.
I shoved my head into the floor, it was so painful. He didn't notice. But that's better than the previous times, because this time I at least said OK out of fear of losing the relationship.

The last time we did it was close to his birthday. This made twice in one month. He brought it up and said that "that time" was coming around again. He asked to do it, I said I didn't want to. He started kissing me and clothes were taken off, again, I said that I didn't want to. He begged me and as far as I remember I may have said OK. This time was too much, and I started crying out of physical and emotional pain. He only used a dime size amount of body lotion. It felt like sharp rocks rubbing back and forth inside of me.
I ran into the bathroom and cried for a good hour.
When I came out he said that was never going to happen again. I began crying again, thanking him.
The next day he told me how he woke up to masturbate and his penis was an extra 2'' longer because my butt was so tight it "must have stretched his penis to full length."
My response was something along the lines of "heh.yeah." and tried to change the subject.

A month later, he asked me again. I was absolutely disgusted. I brought up the fact that he told me "never again" after last time. Brought up the fact that it caused me so much pain that I could not handle it. I told him that I couldn't and would not do it again. "Well, that sucks." was his response. He continues to finger me in the butt.

My questions here are, were those previous two times rape?
If not, why do I feel so terrible about all of this?
Should I break up with him?
If not, what actions might I take?

Along with all of this, I payed for a vacation that my boyfriend and I went on this year, as a birthday present and because he ended up not having as much money as he had planned to. During that time, we had an argument and I got out of bed to get dressed in clothes appropriate enough to be seen in public with. This was about 12:00am. All that I wanted to do, though it may have been dangerous, was go out into the hall of the hotel where there were chairs, sit and be alone until I thought he fell asleep.
I did not want to be around him.
As I began putting my pants on, he came over to me, grabbed me, slammed me down onto the bed and began choking me to make me "settle down" and to make sure I didn't leave.
He could have come over and talked to me calmly, and I would not have left the room that way either..
This has happened before. If I get up to leave an argument and he thinks I am going to do anything stupid, then he grabs me, slams me down and chokes me or puts me in a choke hold.
After this all he could tell me was how this was the worst vacation of his life and what not, after I had spent $600.
That wasn't the worst. The worst part was, he told me that he reacted that way because, if I was to leave out of being angry/upset with him and end up being raped, he would never want to have sex with me again and he would be angry with me/wouldn't know how to view me anymore.
Not that we even had vaginal sex that much to begin with, as stated previously.

I don't really know how to feel about him. He also opens car doors for me, treats my grandma respectfully when he visits, makes me meals, tells me he is here for me when I need him and plenty of other kind things..
But I am so confused. How can he be so kind and so selfish and what I perceive as violent at the same time?
How should I view him? Do you think he just has immaturity issues? Boundary problems?
Do you think he really loves me? I don't know what to do about this relationship.

Lastly, I apologize for the length of this post and that it is probably in the wrong section.. I did not mean for it to be under "Relationships" but am not sure how to change it.
Also, thank you for any advice that can be given..I feel so dumb for asking about this, but I am so confused. He has acknowledged at times that he has "anally raped" me and I have continued to stand my ground. But I don't know if it was actually rape, or why that matters. Maybe if it was, I would feel OK about leaving him. I don't know.

[ 10-11-2012, 03:05 AM: Message edited by: Solusipse ]

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Summerchill
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Member # 51221

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Hey Solusipse, I'm sorry to hear about this. It sounds like things have been hard. :/

In my view, if you even have to ask if it's rape, it probably is.

Your boyfriend has violated your wishes and your trust on several occasions, compromising your comfort and your happiness for his own sexual gratification.

First thing's first: do you feel yourself to be in any immediate danger?

I just wanted to give my two cents and say that from what you've written, the relationship sounds abusive and unhealthy. However, I don't feel qualified to give advice as to how to treat the situation so hopefully someone will chime in soon.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Solusipse and welcome back.

Everything you've described here, including the unwanted anal intercourse, is abusive. Your boyfriend has belittled your body, disrespected your wishes, not shown you consideration, justified his violence towards you (him choking you is *not* okay), and generally has treated you badly.

Whether or not it's because of immaturity or poor boundaries (though, reading this, my gut says he knows exactly what he's doing), this is not an appropriate or loving way for him to treat you.

You ask how he can be so kind and also so violent. It's typical for a lot of abusive people to show a kind, considerate, respectful side when they're with their partner in public or with their partner's family.

This article talks a lot about what to look out for in abusive relationships. I think you may find it helpful.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/blinders_off_getting_a_good_look_at_abuse_and_assault

You've expressed wanting to leave the relationship. I strongly encourage you to do so for your own safety.

Can you say some more about what's holding you back from leaving?

--------------------
Robin

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Solusipse
Neophyte
Member # 48214

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Thank you both. I'm sorry for the delayed response.
I feel like I reach out and then pull back.

The things that are holding me back from leaving are 1. The cliche, he is the only guy I've been/wanted to be intimate with at all. I feel strange leaving someone that I've opened up to, even though he changed so drastically after the fact.
2. Beyond sex and when we get into horrible fights, we get along like best friends. This makes me very confused about the whole relationship. I know it's unhealthy, but I feel trapped with him.
3. I don't know how to break up and stay broken up. We've done it before, and the first time he just asked if we'd still have sex. I said no, and it happened anyway. The only thing he thought was "too sacred" to do during the breakup was anal.It's that sickeningly special to him vs. just having vaginal sex.
The remaining times we've broken up, he's either showed up at my doorstep crying, picked the lock at my house and come in to see me-crying, and one of the most uncomfortable things he does is, when I say I want to break up, he kisses me and won't let me go. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, so much so that I slapped him the last time because he was holding my face so tightly that I was afraid it would leave a bruise. I told him he was hurting me, and he didn't listen.
The time before that, he started kissing me and stuck his hand down my pants. I don't understand how why this is necessary. It's not helpful, when he does that I only get more upset and tell him to leave. It's not until later that we both calm down and I realize how stuck I feel in the relationship that I decide not to go through with the breakup.

I am currently living with my mom and my grandmother, who is very sick and I don't want any commotion for her. The last time I worried that he'd pick my lock, I texted my mom and told her not to respond to his texts if he were to text her(he thought for some absurd reason that I was suicidal, when I clearly started that my only problem was that I did not want to see him and expected him not to be at my house the next day, so I worried that he'd try telling my mom that I was suicidal in order for her to let him come over to talk to me or something), I also told my mom to lock the door, but if he knocked, just tell my grandma to let him in.
My step- dad lives with us too, and he answered the door. Knowing that I was upset for some reason, he told my boyfriend to wait at the door to see if I was awake(and ok to see him), but he went into the kitchen first and my boyfriend snuck past him to see me.

Why I told my mom to tell my grandma to answer was because I knew he'd just pick the lock, even with them downstairs. He'd go for the back door and just lie and say it was unlocked. I knew the only other way to keep him out would involve my step-dad attempting to shove him out, or getting police involved because of him breaking into my house when I clearly stated that I did not want to see him.

That's a big reason I don't break up with him. What am I suppose to do? I don't want to cause stress for my family, a scene for my neighbors or anything, so I just make myself calm down and let it go on longer.

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Solusipse
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Member # 48214

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Also, no, I do not feel in immediate danger, but I may be in denial. I don't like that he is so rough with me and goes against all of my wishes, but danger to me means a threat of death.

I think he is capable of hurting me very badly, but I can't see him going any further than he already has. Choking is the thing that scares me the most as far as this is concerned, and sitting on me while holding his hand over my mouth and nose.
He does these things to be funny or to teach me some sort of lesson and doesn't take me seriously when I say that I can't breathe, I'm being serious, and to please stop. When I say something he just laughs like a little boy.
I really don't understand that at all, but I don't think he'd go further than what he's already done. What I mean is that he'll only do these things for a few minutes,generally no longer.
If I don't struggle or talk it ends sooner, but I get scared so I speak up. As seen even with my 5 year old nephew, if you struggle with him he goes further to "show you a lesson".
This too. I feel terrible even staying with him after he's held my nephew's arm behind his back and twisted it to "teach" him to stop slapping.
My nephew is a terror and I don't like it, I try talking to him and getting him to stop, but he is not my son and I don't feel I have the right to punish him physically. My boyfriend on the other hand, twists his arm behind his back like a 3rd grade bully.

[ 11-14-2012, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: Solusipse ]

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI Solusipse
, and welcome back.

I'm headed out for a few hours, but I wanted to let you know that I saw your notes here, and there's a lot to respond to.

I'll be back later to do just that.

--------------------
Robin

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Solusipse,


It's understandable that you would reach out and then pull away. The idea of making a change is really scary. The question now is: Is making a change less scary than being in a relationship with someone who hurts you and doesn't respect the boundaries you set?

I have to say that everything I read here makes me scared for you.

One of the last things you said makes it very apparent that your boyfriend doesn't think the average rules of good behaviour apply to him. While you don't like the way your nephew behaves, you know that it's not your place to say or do anything, beyond making sure he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else. Your boyfriend not only doesn't choose to follow this line of thinking, but he actively and knowingly hurts this child. That is not okay.

You say that you don't think he'll hurt you more than he has already.

1. Him hurting you at all is not okay.
2. It is common for abusers to escalate, and I'm particularly concerned by the way he responds when you tell him to stop either choking you or touching you sexually, and by the fact that he's picked the lock to get into your house.

This is not a safe person to be around.

I know it's confusing that your relationship has lots of good points. You care about him and like many things about him. I would question whether his behaviour reflects that he shows the same level of caring towards you.

I understand too your desire to protect your family. It must be stressful with your grandmother being sick, and trying to make sure everyone is okay.

You need to be okay too, though, and calling the police is a perfectly appropriate thing to do when someone breaks into your house or tries to force his way into your house.

You may have seen checklists like this one for identifying aspects of abusive relationships.

How many of these things do you think apply to you?

Checklist
[] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily
[] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot
[] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)
[] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down
[] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)
[] I am afraid to say no to sex
[] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me
[]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry
[] I am afraid to disagree with my partner
[] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me
[]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault

--------------------
Robin

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there, Solusipse.

I'm just posting to check in and see how you're doing.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jill2000Plus
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I just wanted to say that I agree with the other posters here that this person has been abusive towards you and is not safe to be around, in the hope that having more support will encourage you to leave the relationship and call the police, because if this guy can get into your house without your permission and more generally pick locks, that doesn't really leave you with a safe space.

EDIT: Or, at least, it doesn't leave you with many safe spaces, and certainly leaves you with a shortage of easily accessible long term ones. Sorry if my last statement made you feel despairing.

[ 11-21-2012, 05:30 AM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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