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Author Topic: Something's bothering me...
Summerchill
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Member # 51221

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So I've recently entered into a new relationship. Very recently. It's not even all that official yet. I've liked this guy for a couple months now and we get along great and have a wonderful time together. He's the first guy in half a year to give me butterflies or make me feel like I have a real connection and I feel like this has a chance to go really well.

There's just one thing that is nagging at me. We did a show together recently and when I divulged in a friend that I was interested in him, he instantly told me that he was gay. He said since he was gay himself "he could just tell". And it's not just him. The whole cast was actually making bets on his sexuality, everyone coming to the agreement eventually that he is, in fact, gay.

I wasn't sure what to think of this because the thought had crossed my mind before that he could be, but it said on his facebook profile that he liked women. So, I dunno, we ended up hanging out a lot anyways and I could tell that he was interested in me. I mean, he tells me that I'm beautiful and he wrote a poem about me one night when we were talking that he really wanted to kiss me. I didn't though. I'm tying to be slower than I have in the past.

So I know it's wrong to question what a person claims about their own sexuality but there are still things that make me wonder. Part of it, I think, is that I know a lot of people are going to be saying behind our backs that the relationship is a sham. But there are also some things he does... Like, he's told me that he used to "wish he was gay".

And the other day he told me about how the previous night he had been hanging out with one of our mutual friends, who is gay, and said that things got kinda strange. I asked him if this kid had been hitting on him and he said no and was sort of reluctant to elaborate. All he ended up saying was just that they got along so well and he felt like if he was gay they would have made the perfect couple. The kid he was talking about is one of my closest friends and he knew that I was into this guy and wouldn't have flirted with him or initiated anything so I can't help but wonder what prompted that line of thought.

And today, after getting lunch, we held hands for the first time while walking back. And it didn't feel like how I remember holding hands with someone you like feels. It was weird...his hand was really still and cold and he wouldn't reciprocate my touch. Whereas I'm used to squeezing and stroking the other hand with my thumb or something like that his just kinda sat there.

I dunno. I really like this kid a lot. And I really want things to go good with him. I just feel like this is going to keep bothering me. Or maybe I'm just the one with the problem.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, one thing that strikes me as being problematic here is that it's sounding like, under a lot of this, is lying the idea that people are either gay or they're straight.

In other words, it doesn't sound like any room is being made for the huge range in between -- the place where most people are -- including things like bisexuality, or the fact that plenty of people who are straight DO feel attracted to people of the same sex sometimes, just like plenty of people who are gay or lesbian have experienced attraction to those of the opposite sex.

For sure, this guy is a much better expert on what he feels than anyone else. As alluring (though also awfully egotistical) an idea people can "just know" someone's orientation may be to some, we actually have some pretty good study on that lately which has shown that gaydar is largely a myth.

But let's also try this on: how much does it matter what this guy's orientation is? In other words, it sounds like you're really enjoying himself, so is he, and you two have been creating a cool relationship. How does anyone's orientation right now actually matter? Isn't it clear that whatever his is, things are working just fine between you?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Summerchill
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They are going good and you're right. It really shouldn't matter.

That's why I suspected that it was more of my problem than his.

I think the fact that everyone was speculating on this and decided he was gay is honestly a little embarrassing to me. That's awful and it's wrong and I know none of them know what they're talking about but, ah, I don't know. I'll get over it.

It didn't bother me all that much until the hand-holding thing. It just felt off. But I'm probably over thinking things. I think I'm a little nervous about being in a relationship again.

Hm, I'm all over the place aren't I? Well, thank you for that post because it did bring me to my senses in regard to his orientation.

I just have to sort out some things myself I guess.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It might help to talk this out, so why do you think you feel embarrassed by those folks syaing they think he's gay? Do you think if he was, that'd say something about you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Summerchill
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As far as what they're saying, I just feel like people will perceive it as both of us being in denial and it'll be this little inside joke among all of them. That they'll think that I'm naive and that he's using me to put out a "straight-persona". These people are my friends so to know that they're all probably going to be silently questioning my relationship is disconcerting.

If actually he was...I dunno. I'm already feeling reluctant to be in relationships because I just have the notion that eventually they're not going to like you as much as they did before. And I'm afraid of that. So if it turned out that he was actually gay then it would be the same thing, only he never would have liked me that much in the first place.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, relationships change over time no matter what, for a million different possible reasons. Too, what a relationship will turn out to be in time? That's never something we can know early on. Heck, for all you know, even if you're both straight -- I only know that he ID's that way, from the sounds of things, don't know about you -- you two might not wind up in a long-term romantic or sexual relationship, you know?

These people saying this stuff: are these really your friends? Do you actually like and respect them? Do you think they have respect for you? If they do, then I don't imagine they'll create in-jokes about either of you if you're clear this stuff is bothering you and ask them to knock it off.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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heero222
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Member # 27731

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quote:
Originally posted by Summerchill:
So I know it's wrong to question what a person claims about their own sexuality but there are still things that make me wonder. Part of it, I think, is that I know a lot of people are going to be saying behind our backs that the relationship is a sham. But there are also some things he does... Like, he's told me that he used to "wish he was gay".

Did you ask him to clarify what he meant when he said he used to wish he was gay? I know I've made comments like that before and it was because at those times I was having trouble understanding various women and felt men were so much easier to understand and get along with. I know, I at least, didn't say it because I desired men just because they seemed easier to understand.

quote:
Originally posted by Summerchill:
And today, after getting lunch, we held hands for the first time while walking back. And it didn't feel like how I remember holding hands with someone you like feels. It was weird...his hand was really still and cold and he wouldn't reciprocate my touch. Whereas I'm used to squeezing and stroking the other hand with my thumb or something like that his just kinda sat there.

He may not know what to do with his hand so he's decided to do nothing at all or he may not even realize its an issue.

quote:
Originally posted by Summerchill:
I dunno. I really like this kid a lot. And I really want things to go good with him. I just feel like this is going to keep bothering me. Or maybe I'm just the one with the problem.

Will holding back because you're worried about his sexual preferences and what people are going to whisper make things "go good with him"?
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