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Author Topic: Long Term + LDR
sophie05678
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Member # 96085

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Okay so I wrote on here a while back about me feeling that my boyfriend and I got on fantastically and made each other really happy during the holidays but that during term time I felt as if he didn't make much effort to maintain our relationship.
We're both back at uni now and within weeks I'm already back to that stage and it's making me unhappy. So I talked to him about it (after on and off days of complete lack of communication) and during the discussion I said that I felt I needed more communication or I think we'll have to consider a break.
It came up that he said he wanted a life outside of me and that he wanted to be independent and other similar things because I'm all he's ever known and grown up with -(we've been together 3+ yrs). This is really getting to me because (and I told him) that I am absolutely fine and happy for him to have a proper and fulfilled uni life and that I've never stopped him and when I asked how I'd stopped him from having one or how I'd taken independence away he couldn't reply. I also asked what he meant by independence and he couldn't answer so I asked if he wanted to be free to explore new relationships and insisted that that wasn't it.
The problem is, I think he wants 'us' but doesn't want to do the work during term time and now that I've realised this I'm scared because I don't want to break up with him because I love him and really do think we're good for each other - just not in this situation!! (which i have 2 more years of!). I don't understand because if he wants me in his life, he would fight for me and make an effort to include me in his life? but he keeps saying I can't be part of his life because i;m 'not there' ..
I'm so confused and miserable because my gut is telling me to get out and find someone who likes talking to me and wants to regularly but I'm so frustrated because I know I would be happy if he would just make time to talk regularly - I'm so unhappy and confused - please help.

Posts: 3 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Member # 90293

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Hi sophie05678 and welcome back.

I'm sorry to hear that things are so sad and frustrating for you right now.

When the two of you talked about how often you'd like to communicate, did he say how often he would like to? That might be a good place to start, to talk about what works for both of you, not just what works for each of you that you each feel you're not getting right now. Does that make sense?

You mentioned that you're good for each other, but not in this situation. It's important to remember that our lives always change, and we always have new situations come up. So, when you're done uni, there's no guarantee that your life situations, or your relationship, will go back to what they were before.

It sounds, from what you're saying here, that your gut is telling you that you want a relationship in which you feel cared for. We can talk about ways to open up the dialogue with your boyfriend, but I think it's important to note that nothing is going to change him unless he wants to make the changes. He also may not want to make the changes you're asking for.

What do you feel like you most need righ now from a relationship?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sophie05678
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Member # 96085

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Thanks for your reply.
To be honest, from the conversation I had with him, he really didn't seem bothered whether we spoke or not because he was pre-occupied with the 'independent life' thing but I will ask how much he feels is good for him - obviously it makes sense to see it from his perspective, too.
I think that's why I'm scared - I'm worried about what we will eventually be like when we both get out of uni - but I guess i'm just trying to go with it and live in the moment and see how things turn out.
Yes - you make things so much clearer!! - while we're at uni I do feel a little uncared for and a little bit as if I'm not a priority - In the past we did have an argument during which I said (basically) why don't you put me first like I do with you? to which he replied with something along the lines of 'we're not even engaged yet but when we're married I will' something like that - I was wondering if it was normal/acceptable to ask to be put above his family :/? (they are all very close (in my opinion TOO close as in they know each other's business) is it really wrong of me to think that I should come first? :s
During the conversation I said that if he didn't want to change or felt that he shouldn't have to and for a long time (in the conversation) we were practically broken up until he said 'lets give this one last go' :s
I would like to feel a little bit more included in his life eg just know how he's getting on (because he tends to put his head down and shut me out when he's stressed).
From a relationship right now I feel that i most need a bit of support, as uni life can be really stressful , and an element of closeness/intimacy (as in not just asking how each other is everyday) I just don't know how to achieve that in a LDR...
Thanks for your help

Posts: 3 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Yes, it does sound like it is time for a discussion, and it might even be a few discussions, about the expectations both of you have for the relationship, knowing that there's a possibility these expectations will be incompatible with each other.

Since your boyfriend suggested giving things another chance, it might also help to ask him what he thinks another chance looks like (I.E. what does each of you, as well as both of you together, change or do differently). I'd also suggest taking some time to paint your own picture of what giving this relationship another chance looks like.

Can you say more about what him "putting you first" means for you? What would you want him to do that he isn't doing now, or to not do that he is doing now, in order to feel like you're "first". I'm also wondering what putting someone first means in terms of taking care of all the other things one wants to have in their life--school, work, friends, personal time, etc.

I think you might find some of these articles helpful.

Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships

Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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