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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I think my boyfriend masturbating is affecting our sex life.

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Author Topic: I think my boyfriend masturbating is affecting our sex life.
Amy A
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I will talk to him about this, but I need some advice and direction first.

We've been together for two years. He's 23 and I'm 21. About a year ago, we started to have less sex. I figured he had a low sex drive, but recently I found out that he masturbates almost daily. It also takes him about 12 hours after an orgasm to get hard enough to do it again.

When we're together, he's often not super horny. For example, today, he said something about having sex when we got home. So, when we got there, I tried to turn him on, but he wasn't very interested. At one point he asked if I wanted sex, and told me he was tired and was more interested in working on something else. He wasn't rude or mean about it. So,fair enough, but then just before he left, he asked if he could take some of my underwear home with him. That part made me upset because obviously he wanted it so he could go home and touch himself.

This is turning into a problem because:
1) I'm afraid to initiate sex because every time I get turned down I feel worse about it
2) It seems like we only have sex when he's in the mood, not if I'm in the mood (if he's done anything in the last 12 hours he can't get hard enough anyway, and that makes me feel bad about myself)
3) I want to have sex more than once a week
4) Now I'm starting to feel like he'd rather touch himself than do stuff with me

I'm at a loss about what to do. Obviously I'm not going to ask him not to masturbate. Advice?

[ 11-05-2012, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: Amy A ]

Posts: 23 | From: San Diego | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI Amy,

It's not at all unusual for people's sexual needs to vary or fluctuate over time, both in a relationship and as individuals. It can be frustrating when one partner wants different things than the other partner wants.

I'm glad to hear that you're planning to talk to your boyfriend about this, as communication is the soundest way to resolve most differences. [Smile]

As with communicating about anything, it's sound to talk to him not about what he's not doing, but about how you're feeling and about what you want from the sexual side of your relationship. For example, you could share with him the four points you've listed here, perhaps altering number 4 to convey your sense of worry and insecurity. Certainly, too, I suspect you'd rather communicate these things in a more conversational tone but I mentioned these numbered points as good places to start in communicating your thoughts and feelings. [Smile]

So, you've stated that you'd like to have sex with him more than once a week. Based on what you've said here, it sounds like you're talking about intercourse specifically. In the case that your boyfriend isn't interested right now in having intercourse more frequently, or isn't physically able to, what do you think about talking to him about engaging in other sexual activities that will both fil your desire for sex with him and also take some of the pressure off of him to "perform"?

What specifically do you miss about sex with him? To be clearer, is it sexual connection and gratification you miss, or intimacy, or something else, or all of it?

I'm not sure if you've seen these articles. If you haven't I think they'll give you some good places to start with figuring out how to talk to him. We can definitely talk this through more, as well.

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Amy A
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Thanks! The article on communicating was really helpful. I have trouble not freezing up when I talk to him about things like this. I thought about writing him a letter instead, but I don't really want this permanently recorded anywhere.

It didn't occur to me to suggest other non-intercourse activites. However, I feel weird about suggesting it, because sometimes I get the feeling that it's a chore for him. That makes me not even want it, actually.

I have told him before that I sometimes feel like our sex life is one sided, as there are times when he'll ask me to do things for him, but makes no move to please me. When he is turned on seems to dictate when things happen.

I do miss the emotional connection we have during/after intercourse. However, if it was bad sex, I tend to feel disconnected from him afterwards, and I miss not feeling like that as it happens more frequently now.

I think the biggest problem here though is that I'm feeling insecure. I *really* miss feeling wanted and getting that self-esteem boost from him wanting sex more often. When he doesn't want it, I start to wonder why, and feel badly about myself.

When I thought it was because he had a low sex drive, I was disappointed, but not this upset. But now that I feel like he's masturbating and not very interested in sexual activities together, I feel inadequate and way more insecure.

I've felt like this before too. Because we both live at home, we kind of have to plan ahead in order to have time alone. He doesn't plan ahead liek that, which makes me feel like sex is not important to him. Feeling like it's more important to me than it is to him is a really gross feeling and I miss not feeling like that.

Posts: 23 | From: San Diego | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
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Have you ever talked to your boyfriend to get a clear idea of how he feels about having sex that isn't all about intercourse? When you've mentioned that you feel your sex life is one-sided, how has he responded to that?

It does sound like the two of you have quite a lot to talk about, and if you're not comfortable writing him a letter that he can keep, what about just putting some key points on paper for yourself, so that you have something to refer to and you can make sure you get a chance to say everything you want to say? If you want, we could brainstorm some ways to get the conversation started, too.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Amy A
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Thank you very much for your help. I think I will make a list of things to touch on ahead of time.

I haven't talked to him about that, but now I'm realizing I should. The problem is two-sided though - I want more sex (of any kind) from him, but I ALSO want him to want that from me more than he currently does. Maybe that's an unfair expectation though...

In the past, when I told him I feel like things are one-sided, he has felt really badly about it, told me he wants to work on it, and asked how to fix it.

I might need to communicate my needs in a better way, I don't know. For example, I'd like to suggest that if he's asking for oral sex, he could spend some time on me in certain ways (I would be specific with him). But then I feel like he's only doing those things because I asked him to, and not because he wants to, and then I find them hard to enjoy anyway. Maybe I'm just overthinking all this.

Do you have any tips to get the conversation started? I am already planning to do it when we're alone at a comfortable time. It's just getting the words out that for some reason is really hard. I find this is a problem for all serious talks in general, not just ones about sex.

[ 11-07-2012, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: Amy A ]

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Robin Lee
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HI Amy,

STarting the conversation when you can both be assured of quiet is a great idea. You may also want to think of this as starting a series of discussions, rather than just one. often a serious discussion reaches a point where both people in the discussion are just worn out, and need a break. Plus, big things can often come up that people need to do some thinking about on their own before discussing them.

Starting a difficult discussion is often tricky. It sounds abrupt, but you could always tell him that you'd like to talk about your sex lives together, since it isn't something you two have really touched base on in a while.

How does that sound?

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Robin

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Amy A
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So I talked to him about it the other day, and I actually feel a lot worse now.

The conversation didn't really go as planned and led to us nearly breaking up. We didn't end it, but now things feel rocky. And because the outcome of the conversation didn't really fix anything, I don't know what to do next =(

And I'm afraid to talk to him again, because I don't want to break up, but at the same time, I can't just not tell him when things are bothering me.

[ 11-11-2012, 03:00 AM: Message edited by: Amy A ]

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Robin Lee
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HI Amy,

I'm sorry to hear that things feel worse now.

It's rare that one conversation will fix anything, whether the conversation goes well or not.

Would you like to talk more about how you're feeling and where things stand in the relationship?

--------------------
Robin

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Amy A
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I would like to, but I also don't want to get too specific on here in case he sees this (even though my display and login name are not my real name).

It won't let me return to edit posts after a certain amount of time... would there be a way to get a moderator to delete them for me afterwards?

Posts: 23 | From: San Diego | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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