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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Age Gap

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Author Topic: Age Gap
thecrazycatlady
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Member # 96121

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So I've just started my first year of college. It's brilliant. I've met loads of new people, including a guy from my jiu jitsu class who is also a third year on the same course as me.

We've recently started spending a lot more time together. We can chat for hours, have a lot in common, and he's just such a genuine, down to earth guy (that and he plays guitar in a rock band, has a few tattoos, nice arms and lovely eyes). In case you haven't realised by now, I've grown to really like him. The problem? There's a 10-year age gap - I'm 20, he's 30.

I think because he's also a student and we're in a college environment I don't see him as being 30, though. On the whole, the age gap doesn't really bother me. I just don't know how to go about this. He's implied that he's dated younger women in the past couple of years, but I don't know if it would bother him, me being 10 years younger. I don't want to put any pressure on him and lose him as a friend, but I'd love to at least give it a go and see how it works. We're pretty flirty with each other and text almost daily. There was a situation where we could have kissed - I was tired and put my head on his shoulder, he put his arm around me and a moment passed where if I'd looked up or something, it might have happened, but I'm not sure. He seems to have a lot of female friends so I don't know if he's just being friendly or if it really is something more.

I guess the best way to do it is to just talk to him, but I'm awkward with words!

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, you might not see him being 30, but he apparently is. [Smile]

So, I'd just give yourself a little reality check there, and make clear to yourself that whatever age you see him as being, he's the age he is.

That all said, I think thinking about some possible big relationship with someone before you've even gone on a date/hangout or two is pretty premature. How about asking him out to start with, and see how even one or two dates go, and how you feel about him once you get to know him better in that context?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thecrazycatlady
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Member # 96121

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I see where you're coming from - I know he's 30, it's just hard to see him as 30, being in a college environment. It's not as if I wish he was younger or not willing to accept the age difference, but you're right in saying that this is something I should face more head-on.

Aside from meeting up for coffee on campus a few times, we hung out at my flat this weekend gone and just ordered pizza and watched funny films. I had a genuinely lovely time, and would like to do it again. I think I often get ahead of myself when I have a crush because all of my relationships up to this point have been long-term, fully committed, so it's hard not to see a potential partner in that light.

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sure, but you can't really picture someone well as a potential long-term partner when you barely know them, you know? It might also help to know that this straight-to-committed serial monogamy thing that's pretty common with young people and early relationships is less common with people outside their teens and early 20s.

How about asking for another time to hang out like you just did, maybe where you do something where you get a chance to talk more, unlike watching movies?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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thecrazycatlady
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For sure, all you can picture is a fantasy of what you want that potential long-term relationship to be like, when it may be much further from the truth.

I know I probably came off as kind of naive in my first post - I realise that it may not work out, he may not even be interested full stop. I would like to at least try to see how this could work, and I agree that just hanging out with him one-on-one and getting to know each other better is the way forward. Though how do I let him know I'm interested without making it seem like a big deal? For example, asking how he'd feel going out on a date with someone my age - therefore making it fairly obvious of what I'm implying - without putting him on the spot? Guess I'm a little afraid of the potential rejection.

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, someone has to ask someone sometime. And anytime we are dating, or want to, there's potential rejection involved. There's just no getting around that.

I'm not sure how asking him to go out would be "putting him on the spot." maybe you could explain more of what you mean by that?

Ultimately, you just gotta ask, like, "Hey, want to go out with me next <whatever day?> Or if that day/night isn't good, is something open for you soon if you'd like to go out with me?"

I don't think that's any big deal. I also assume you either asked before or he did per this last time you hung out at your place?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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