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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Parent Problem

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Author Topic: Parent Problem
Roxie102
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First off, I'm 19, am away at college, and have my own car, for which I buy my own gas for. I was in an LDR for over a year until this past summer, and just recently, we decided to get back together.

Today, I drove to his house for a visit. He lives 2 hours away. I was at home this weekend due to a college break. As soon as I got home, my mom started yelling at me, saying that I shouldn't be going to his house so often. (I've only done it twice since the breakup.) When I mentioned that, she brought in the whole rest of the relationship, saying that it isn't fair for me to always have to travel to see him, but that's far from the truth. He's been to see me almost as many times as I go to see him, and seeing that he's younger, hasn't been driving as long, and has a very busy family, I think that's totally fine.

I can tell, she thinks he's kind of forcing me to drive to see him, when, to her, he doesn't seem to care enough to come see me, but that's wrong. I've been volunteering to go visit him since my breaks coincide with times he's not really able to come see me. Almost everytime, he tries to talk me out of coming since he doesn't like me to drive so much, but I always insist. I honestly don't mind driving to see him, even all the way to his house, and though yes, in recent times, he hasn't been to see me, I know over the whole of the relationship, it's gotten to be a pretty balanced sharing. Besides, it's my car, my gas, my life, so why does it matter what I do? I guess she's just trying to make sure I don't get hurt, but when she doesn't even know half the story, it really pisses me off.

Am I being unreasonable? I told her that I could've just left from school and not even told her I was going, and it would've been the same thing, so why when I come home does she have to get all angry about it? What can I do? I feel like since I'm 19 and out of the house, I shouldn't even worry about this, but still, it honestly ruined my whole day when she yelled at me.

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Onionpie
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Hi roxie, I'm sorry to hear you're having this issue with your mum. I'd say you're definitely well within reason here. Since you are an adult, living away from home, and have your own car, I don't think your parents should really have much say in where you go and why.

Have you tried sitting down and having a calm and candid conversation about this with her, saying pretty much everything you've said here? If so, how did that turn out? If not, how do you think that conversation would go?

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Roxie102
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Well I told her that what she was saying wasn't true, but she kind of just blew me off. Then she added "I know you think you're an adult, but you should always ask about your plans before making them." That really made me angry because if I was at school, I wouldn't have to ask. If I was just going to see my grandparents or something, I wouldn't have to ask. And in my opinion, since it didn't really involve her, it didn't matter whether I went or not.

She used to like my boyfriend and be really supportive, but ever since the breakup, it seems like she's really not too fond of him. When I told her we got back together, she kind of rolled her eyes. We didn't break up because of cheating or abuse or anything like that - he just needed some time to work on himself, and I respected that. I still do. I really don't want to have to start going behind her back, but I will if this doesn't get any better soon.

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Onionpie
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Okay, well it might be an idea to sit down with her and have an open, longer discussion about this. You can open that conversation by saying "Hey mum, I feel like we need to talk about my getting back together with <boyfriend>. I've been feeling like you haven't really been taking my thoughts and feelings into account lately. Our relationship is important to me, so I'd really like to have an open and productive conversation with you so we can both be on the same page around this."

How do you think she would respond to something like that? It's important for both of you that you both communicate -- that means expressing yourselves calmly and clearly AND listening to each other, which is sounds like your mum hasn't been doing so well at lately. Do you think she would be willing to have a more open, two-way discussion about this?

You could also mention that you feel like there's something underlying her objections to you driving out to see him -- you think she doesn't like him anymore. That way you can get to the bottom of why she has such issue with this, and hopefully the two of you can work this out. If she does say that she's not fond of him anymore, you could say that although you understand and respect that she doesn't like him, you ARE an adult and it's important that she not try and put her feelings onto you -- that she let you make your own decisions even if she feels differently.

You're not forcing her to like him. She doesn't even have to pretend to if she doesn't want to. But you're at an age where you need to be able to make different decisions to the ones she wants you to, as a part of growing up and being your own person.

What do you think?

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Roxie102
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okay thanks, that sounds like something that might work. [Smile]
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