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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » All the Things They Gave You

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Author Topic: All the Things They Gave You
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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(Referencing 80s songs is probably silly, but ah well.)

You were in a relationship or relationships before. You broke up or had a breakup.

Now that that one (or more) is over, looking back, what did those relationships give you?

Maybe in one you had some amazing personal growth or were part of someone else's. maybe you learned a lot about what you want and what you don't, or picked up some skills you didn't have before, like learning to manage conflict or learning how to demonstrate love or care. maybe you found out more about who you really are, versus who you thought you were.

Sometimes, folks can think of something doesn't last forever and ever, it was a waste. And with truly empty relationships, it can be. But most of the time, if we're choosing to stay in something for some reason beyond just not wanting to be alone or let go, every relationship gives us things, all of us in it, even when it changes or doesn't continue.

What were some of yours?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
Activist
Member # 93204

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I learned what I did and didn't like in a relationship. I'm someone who doesn't like kissing in public only if me I make a spontaneous move and it's amazing. Holding hands in public is a bit weird as well, just locked hands, sweaty hands, etc., kinda feels weird to me. I like spending time and show my compassion towards them alone.

I've learned some things to not do in a relationship, to move faster than my hormones do, hence fast relationship leading to sex, isn't what I call healthy for myself due to the person just wants sex the next time we're alone and together. Me I'd rather spend time not being like rabbits in bed.

I discovered kissing (hence french kissing) bugs me, it makes me feel weird. I discovered I just like slight tongue movement rather than *lets just fight her tongue and cause my saliva in her mouth* I feel like drowning. It's like a conflict with the tongues or so to speak his tongue. I like gentle tongue not a rough one. [Razz]

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CSandSourpatch
Activist
Member # 95598

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I learned how to stand up for myself a little more. The relationship I was in previous to my current one was okay-ish, but the guy I was with couldn't understand why I didn't want all of the same things that he did, or why I got angry when I asked him to stop responding for me when I could perfectly well respond myself. Basically, he didn't really take me seriously when I was being serious, so, from that, I learned a little bit more about what I wanted, and took the initiative to put my foot down.

I also just learned in general not to settle for someone who doesn't respect the small things. (It never got abusive, I should clarify--he just really thought life didn't need to be taken so seriously, but he definitely respected physical boundaries.)

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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I have gotten a lot of different things from different relationships, everything from huge personal discoveries to very mundane things.

For example, from my first really big, long-term relationship, I came away with a much healthier relationship with myself and my sexuality. I am a survivor of rape and abuse, and that partner was really the first person where I felt safe enough to become intimate with someone on my own terms.

He was also a chef, so he taught me how to cook [Smile] And I became really close with one of his friends. While the ex and I were not able to maintain a friendship, I am still very close with that mutual friend and he's pretty imporrtant to me.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Wreckingball
Neophyte
Member # 44981

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Self respect and unflinching honesty.


After I broke up with my first boyfriend, and then the 4 after that, which were back to back to back and also drama, drama, drama... I forced myself to be single.

I realized the joy of my own company and had time to reflect on those past hurts.

Now I approach things with much more honesty and self respect.

I finally found a relationship that was healthy and, even though it didn't last, he helped teach me how to relate without the drama. I have remained good friends with that ex to this day.

I am a much more pragmatic and rational person than I used to be and I credit my time being single and that one great relationship.

thanks Hoods for teaching me how to be cool!

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'My love's a beahive, dodecahedron of caring'

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Wreckingball
Neophyte
Member # 44981

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I was single for just over 2 years.... It was awesome! [Smile]

Now i'm in another great relationship. I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it stays great. [Smile]

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'My love's a beahive, dodecahedron of caring'

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Summerchill
Neophyte
Member # 51221

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I've only had one boyfriend before but I'd say the one major thing I got out of that relationship was confidence.

Not from him, per say, but from the whole experience. Somewhere between being adored, being dumped, and putting myself back together, I gained a whole lot of respect for myself.

I've learned that I am not the repulsive creature I thought I was but someone who is desirable and who does not need to settle for whoever comes along.

I still have a whole lot to learn but I'm ready.

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Summerchill
Neophyte
Member # 51221

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Another thing:

My dad once told me when I was experiencing insecurities for never having had a boyfriend before that I probably intimidated them because I was so smart and that men didn't like to feel that a woman was more intelligent than them.

Well, **** that.

Whatever kind of mess my first relationship was, that boy liked me for my mind.

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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I'll second that Summerchill! Sexual attraction-wise, a person's mind can be as - if not more - alluring in a given potential partner's eyes than their phyisical appearance. [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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