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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Uncomfortable with BF's past threesome

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Author Topic: Uncomfortable with BF's past threesome
KristinaLeigh
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Member # 96994

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I am in a fairly new relationship of three months. The relationship has moved extremely fast and we have been inseparable. We have found that we are a fantastic match and find daily life easy together. We have great chemistry, sex, and we enjoy a lot of the same things. My boyfriend is a good deal older than me however…he is 39 and I am 25. I never thought I would date someone that much older than me but I’ve found his maturity yet youthfulness to be amazing. This does present a new problem to me. Because he is so much older than me, he is far more sexual experienced than I. I have only had three previous long time partners and never had any flings or “one night stands”. They were always serious relationships. He; however, has had 20+ sexual partners and four serious relationships. I had been comfortable with this because he was older than me and a guy, so I did not think anything of it. During the past few months, we have made it pretty common to discuss our previous relationships. Recently we ended up having very upsetting conversation and I haven’t been able to shake it despite having several conversations about it. He admitted to me that he had a threesome with his ex-girlfriend and a friend of hers. It really unsettled me. I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of threesomes or moresomes though I do not judge anyone for it. However, the fact that my bf has had one bothers me excessively and I cannot get it out of my head. Out of curiosity I asked him to tell me about it in detail. I think it made matters worse. He explained to me that it was his ex-girlfriend’s idea and he went along with it gladly. He said that he made sure she was sure and that she was confidant enough in their relationship to do it. They apparently had an amazing, hours long night. The third wheel was a friend of his ex. He assured me that although it was amazing, he has no desire to do it again unless I wanted to. I’m completely disgusted and I feel really guilty for feeling that way. I like to think that I’m very open minded about these things, but I just can’t let go of my disgust. I know I shouldn’t judge him for past sexual encounters…I just can’t figure out why this is bothering me so much. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. ☹ Any insights?
Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI KristinaLeigh and welcome to Scarleteen.

It's always jarring to learn about something in a partner's past that is objectionable or disturbing to us. I hear you expressing disgust, but I can't tell from what you've written whether that's with your boyfriend or with the idea of the threesome. Perhaps you could talk more about how you're feeling about him, how you feel this affects you, and whether it changes anything for you?

It's always okay to have hard limits on things for ourselves. There is a difference, though, between choosing (or not choosing) to do something ourselves and knowing that someone else chose to do those things in the past, particularly when they've made very clear that they don't expect you to engage in them . So that in mind, that this is in the past, what is it that bothers you so deeply. Do you feel like it's affecting your relationship?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KristinaLeigh
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I think I'm really grossed out by him being okay with it. I guess I've always thought that was thing sort of thing people did in college with friends or casual girlfriends and boyfriends. I was shocked because he did this with a serious former relationship and they both greatly enjoyed the experience. I talked with him about it a lot last night. He thinks that I'm threatened by it because I want to be open-minded but I'm not on this topic. I think I feel that people who allow third or more parties into their sexual relationship are missing something from each other. To me it feels that they are disrespecting each other and can't truely love one another. He has said he understands my feelings but doesn't agree. I'm afraid that we've hit a disagreement on a fundamental belief and I do not know how to deal with it.
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Robin Lee
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HI There,

What I'm hearing you say is that not only is it something you disagree with, but it's something that you don't think you can handle your partner having done.

The question, as I see it, is what you'd like to do now. I can tell you for certain that sexual partnerships, not just sexual partnerships but entire relationships, can and do happen happily and healthily among multiple partners. If you would like, we can talk about that, and give you some more information on how this works for different people.

This isn't something you have to like, but it's sounding to me like it's a deal-breaker in your relationship. Would you say that's true?

Sex is something that brings up strong emotions in all of us. We have a variety of beliefs, experiences, and needs around it.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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To clarify a little what I said above: It sounds from what you've written here, as if your partner is comfortable with the idea that the two of you disagree about this. It sounds from what you say that you're not comfortable. What will it take to get past this impasse, do you think?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KristinaLeigh
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We've talked about it some more and each time the issue definitely gets better for me. He's being very understanding and thought it would be a good idea for me to hash out my confusion here. heh. So thankyou thankyou thankyou for listing to my silly rambling.

It's taking us awhile to figure out what the root of the problem really is for me. It's very confusing cause I have all these feelings with no real understanding of where they are coming from or why I have them. We've tried to break it down...and this is what we've come up with:

-He's my first boyfriend with a significant sexual history behind him. I think that I'm a little overwhelmed by his past sexual experience and threatened by some of the things he participated in with exes. I know that I cannot live up to the same...though he tells me it's not necessary for me to. I believe that I feel that I should anyway...and I'm trying to get myself to drop that feeling.
-Our relationship has happened very fast (perhaps a a little bit of cart before the horse). We have become so committed so fast that we are still finding big things out about each other and probably will some more down the road. So issues like this can really throw me.
-This last reasoning is a little closed minded :/ but honest...I don't find a non-conventional sex life attractive in a potential spouse. I think the stress of how I feel about his past and then the extra stress from feeling guilty about being so...conservative?...on top of that just makes matters worse.

I'm afraid that it just is an impasse and that I just have to choose to live with it. I don't believe it's a total dealbreaker because of his delicate handling of the issue and his choice that he does not require multiple partners to be sexually fulfilled. Which should just make me completely happy, but doesn't. I suppose I'm just dealing with the guilt of being "that prudish girlfriend".

Ultimately, I just know that the thought of my boyfriend having sex with another women (even of my own choosing...even with me present or participatory) makes me want to throw up. Is this weird? Insecure?

:/

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Wreckingball
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Member # 44981

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I think you're learning some good things about yourself and your sexual preferances.

like what was said earlier though, is this a deal breaker for you?

It sounds like he's willing to listen to and respect your sexual boundaries. Despite this respect, how much are his past experiences boing to bother you?

Again, is it a deal breaker?

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'My love's a beahive, dodecahedron of caring'

Posts: 12 | From: North | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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