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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Ex Situation.

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Author Topic: Ex Situation.
Roxie102
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I'm in the midst of a very complicated situation with my ex. The below link was about our breakup. Things have changed since then though.

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011631/p/1.html#000004

The breakup was almost 4 months ago now. We'd agreed to move on and try to be friends - we agreed to talk once every week or two. He said he would be more comfortable with me initiating contact. That worked for a few weeks, but as of late, say, within the past month and a half, he's been calling me, several times a week, and we talk for hours, much like in the early days of our relationship. I honestly don't mind this because I really enjoy his companionship and our conversations, but it just makes me feel so confused.

Quite frequently, he reminds me that "nothing is permanent" and "who knows what might happen," yet he never explicitly states anything about getting back together. He also mentions frequently that I'm his best friend and that he misses me a lot.

A couple weekends ago, he invited me to his house. We went out to eat, drove around his town, and came back to his house and played video games. Also though, he ate me out and I gave him a blowjob. After that, we cuddled and hugged. We even kissed. He expressed regret for this since we "aren't dating" but neither of us were too upset. I genuinely had an awesome time with him that day. In all honesty, I don't see much difference in how we interact now and how we interacted in the relationship aside from the fact that 1) we don't talk every single day without fail and 2) we don't tell each other "I love you".

Too, we still have phone sex pretty regularly and are very involved in each other's lives. I don't find myself hurting about the breakup since he's still very much a part of my life. Still, I wonder how long this will go on between us. I'm not dating anyone, and he says it will be a good while before he even thinks about dating anyone else. I understand he's probably too busy and stressed to fully put himself in a relationship right now. He's taking college classes at school, applying to colleges, and is very stressed about his sub-par SAT scores.

So, I don't know what to do. I really do not want to lose his friendship, but at the same time, I'd like to know whether or not he seriously sees me in his future again, and if so, when? Too though, I'm afraid to bring anything up - last time I mentioned our relationship, things got pretty volatile and we avoided each other for several days. I fear that he's keeping me around until someone better comes along. Even so, I can also see that he is still attracted to me but perhaps just can't be in a bona fide committed relationship at this time. I feel like I'm in a state of limbo, and I'm finding that no one can understand the state of our relationship, not friends, not even my mom.

I guess to sum it up, I want to remain friends, but I also want to know if he ever thinks he'd like to get back together. If he says no, I'd like to think I could remain friends with him, but really, I don't know if I could. Too, I feel like if I ask him this, he'll just give me another vague answer. I understand that he may not know what he wants, but still, it's frustrating.

Too, I have this overwhelming urge to tell him that I'm in love with him, but I don't know that will go over.

[ 09-13-2012, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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copper86
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Roxie102,

I understand how you feel. It sounds like you truly care for this person, and that he really means a lot to you. I get how scary honesty can be, but I think that not only applies to us being honest with others but also with ourselves.

Do you want to be in a relationship with him again? It sounds like you do; and since you've known him for so long, I understand that you're so happy that he's in your life in some form. But, I don't think it's fair that he's being intimate with you but being so vague on what that intimacy means. Saying something like, "you never know what the future may bring" just leaves things ominously open, and doesn't help you figure things out, either.

I understand that you love him and are afraid to be honest. I also get the pressures of college applications and deadlines... Is there any point in time when you and him have a break from school and work, maybe around Thanksgiving or so? Maybe you could meet for coffee and discuss how you're feeling. It sounds like he cares for you, so your feelings would be things he also cares about; and I'm sure he'd want to know if you were hurting. What do you think about talking with him about your feelings?

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Roxie102
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Yes, I definitely want to be in a relationship with him again. We're long distance, so I'd rather not have a talk like this face to face, though he did say we could get together again the next time I have a break, which is in about three weeks.

I would like to know his feelings, but I very well think that he doesn't know his own feelings. I'm afraid putting that pressure on him will harm the friendship we have while at the same time doing nothing for the relationship.

I love him, so I'd be willing to give him time if he needs it, but it still hurts.

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Roxie102
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bump for Heather?
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Heather
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Just waking up here, Roxie, but saw this: did you want me to read through this thread and weigh in on something for you?

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Roxie102
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yes, it'd be great if you could. thanks. [Smile]
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Heather
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You got it. Give me a few minutes to read through and I'm all yours. [Smile]

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Okay.

So, I hear you saying you either want to remain friends OR get back together, but feel confused about this and conflicted about remaining friends.

I can see why, and I think one reason is that it doesn't sound to me like you two have really tried being friends yet.

In other words, it looks like you had that breakup (which sounds like it was awfully murky to me), then when you did start talking and seeing each other again, it went right back to being sexual, and also even back to being somewhat romantic. It sounds to me like what's going on right now is that you two are having a sexual (and maybe also romantic?) relationship but it's not a committed one, nor one where either of you have talked about what is going on or have set any parameters.

This also sounds a lot like what it seems he wanted with your breakup: in other words, it sounded like with that, he was saying he wanted a little time apart, and didn't want to be in a committed relationship, but also didn't want to close the door all the way.

Really, there's no not talking about this if you don't want this to stay super-confusing and unclear. I hear you saying you're scared to talk about it for fear he'll say he doesn't want something you do, or will express things you are afraid to hear (probably, I suspect, what you already know is true): do I have that right?

I also hear here that how this is going? This isn't workable for you with him outside the confines of something more serious and committed: do I have that right?

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Roxie102
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I think I could definitely tell him that I don't want a sexual relationship with him unless we're together, and I feel that that would help me.

Still though, I'd like to know if he potentially sees us getting back together but I don't want to jeopardize our friendship (or now, lack thereof) by asking him that.

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Heather
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Can I ask why you feel that speaking these questions would put your friendship at risk, but things like having a sexual relationship (one it sounds like neither of you are talking about at all, no less), and doing some of the things that are really about romantic feelings do not?

Maybe a second question is this: does having a friendship with him, to you, mean that it's not a very close one? That it's not the kind where you can talk about difficult things or ask potentially tough questions?

In other words, communication usually is what actually holds any kind of relationship together, and benefits that relationship. Silence, especially about big things, is what tends to break things down. Why do you think you're feeling like open communication would put yours at risk?

[ 09-14-2012, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Roxie102
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he's never kept in contact with his other exes. (too though, none were as serious or as long as me). I feel like he might only be dragging me along until he finds someone better. On top of this though, I think he might just be uncomfortable with me committing to him never having dated anyone else.

[ 09-14-2012, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Heather
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That doesn't answer those questions for me (I confess, I feel confused if that response was even in response to them, because I'm not getting how it relates), and I feel like I need them answered to have a better idea of how to help you out here.

Can you give them another go?

[ 09-14-2012, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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Okay, I guess I think since we're still in a close sexual relationship but not committed that he's just waiting for someone else without having to be truly single.

If he says he doesn't want to get back together ever, I don't think I'll be able to have a close friendship with him. It'd be hard to keep going on like this with us still so close because I'd be hurt.

in other words, I haven't had time to heal to be able to keep some sort of casual relationship

if none of that was clear, I'll probably just have to think about this for a while and get back to you.

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Heather
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So, if you bring this up to talk about, and his reply/truth is that he doesn't think he'll want to ever be back together as a couple in a committed relationship, then you don't think you'll be able to still be his friend?

If I have that right, if that IS his truth, what's different for you about that being his truth, but him not having said it out loud, versus it being his truth but it being unspoken? Obviously, either way, if that's how he feels, that's how he feels, so what would it being true, but having it be a truth one or both of you choose not to say aloud versus it being unspoken change for you?

How do you feel you benefit from not knowing whatever his real deal is? How does that serve you or support any kind of relationship -- including a friendship -- well in your mind?

[ 09-14-2012, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(I think we should also talk about some of the assumptions you're making here, but I think this bigger issue really needs to be addressed first, especially since if you actually talked about all of this with him, there'd be no need to make guesses or assumptions in the first place.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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I indeed could have a friendship with him, but it would have to be a while of no contact so I'd be able to feel okay about it.

I know it's the truth whether it's voiced or not but I just think not knowing would put off the potential pain longer. in other words, I would just rather this fizzle itself out than me have to deal with pain again right now.

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Heather
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Well, I'm hearing you say that's not really working for you right now.

In other words, in this thread, you seem to be expressing that that approach, too, is painful for you.

I also hear you expressing very clearly that this relationship -- be it a romance or a friendship -- is very important to you, and not something you want to botch. But keeping big truths from each other, and keeping doors to communication closed is pretty much exactly how we almost assure that any relationship is going to either get broken or stay broken.

So, it seems to me that you need to consider some alternatives here rather than just doing what you're doing now, which you obviously know isn't working for you, and is probably why you came here asking about it.

And those options right now seem to be:
a) actually trying to have a friendship -- and if that means more time apart first so you feel able to, by all means, take that time -- rather than what sounds more like a casual sexual relationship (one that obviously isn't working for you, but probably won't work for either of you soon enough without any kind of discussion about it), and at least trying to have that friendship without sex being part of it.
b) talking about the giant elephant standing in the middle of this proverbial room, and doing so honestly on all side, or
c) just walking away from any interaction with this person, full-stop

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also? Just a general life tip?

Denial, to my knowledge, has never spared anyone any pain. It's only still caused it or just created more.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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okay, thanks. I'll talk to him tonight or tomorrow about this.
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Heather
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Do you feel like you have a sense of how to do that and how you want to, or is it something you'd like some help with?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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I'm going to start off by telling him that I absolutely cannot have a sexual relationship with us being broken up, and then I plan to ask him if he sees us getting back together. If he says no, I'll probably tell him I need some time away from him to process it.
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Heather
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I'd have some other suggestions with one piece of that, did you want me to pitch in?

Asking because if all of that feels like what you can do and what information you really need, I don't want to toss unsolicited advice at you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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Sure, go ahead.
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Heather
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It just sounds to me like asking if he sees you getting back together is pretty vague. I see even a "yes" answer to that as still probably not giving you the information to figure out what will work for you moving forward.

To give an example, I can *see* myself living in a house that I own, on my own land. However, I'm in my 40s, and really, nothing I do per my choices in what kind of work I do, how I manage what little money I have had, etc. up until now, or probably in the near future, would actually support that vision becoming a reality. I've been able to see that, and even think of it as something I want, for more than 20 years now, and yet, I'm no closer to it now than I was when it first was something I could envision, because I haven't done anything to make that a real goal. So, what I see? Doesn't really mean it'll happen, or even have any chance of happening. What I really want, on the other hand, and intend to aim for, plan for, build a foundation for? That's what matters, because that makes that "see" mean something that's even possible, let alone likely.

So, personally, I'd ask for much more concrete information than that, and I'd also share more concrete information than that. What someone maybe-sees in the future, especially in a situation like this, with a history like this, and with what it sounds like you really want, just doesn't seem very useful.

How about telling him what you really want (obviously, figure that out first) and how you really feel, asking him how he feels about all of that, then ask him to share the same with you about what he really wants and feels? How about limiting all of that to a period of time that is tangible, like say, over the past six months and for the next six months?

[ 09-14-2012, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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I ended up talking to him. The sex thing was easy because he really wanted to stop doing it too. We're really going to work together to put a hold on the sexual aspect right now, so I'm feeling good about that.

The second part really didn't go as planned, but I still got my answers. He called me up and the first thing he told me was that a girl asked him out that day, but he didn't accept. I told him I was afraid that if he got another girlfriend he would stop talking to me, but he said that that absolutely wasn't true. Also I asked him if he really was serious about wanting to get back together and he said that he was but that he really isn't interested in dating anyone right now - not me or anyone else, and he doesn't know when that will change. I feel like he really does genuinely want to be my friend, so I'm happy about that. [Smile]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Can I pitch-in an idea here?

It sounds like you have had pretty much zero time where you have been able to process this break upo alone. When I dealt with the break up with my ex the best advice I got (which I actually got here on Scarleteen) was to take time to myself. To learn who I was as moonlight, not moonlight in a relationship. So I decided that for 2 weeks, and not a day less, I would not contact my ex. It was really, really hard at first, but I stuck through it always eager for the 2 week mark to pass. At the end of the two weeks I felt very differently about wanting to see my ex, and I knew that I needed more time to mend the wounds and figure out who the heck I was before I could possibly see my ex again. It helped me more than I could have understood. And I really think that some time away from your ex could help you too. But again, I'm just butting in here, no obligation to take this advice.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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