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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sex with friends?

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Author Topic: Sex with friends?
Coffee_and_Chocolate
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This has been nagging at me for the past two years actually, but I've never really thought about it until now...I seem to have more of a 'nagging want' to have sex with my friends for some reason. I mean, I've had crushes on people before, have been really attracted to them and have often had sexual fantasies/dreams about them (plus liking them on a romantic level), but I've mostly never gotten past basic friendship level. It all remains a fantasy and I just do little things for them to express my romantic love for them without confession. But, the more I trust the person and the stronger platonic friendship I have with them, despite how attractive they are to me (although they normally are on some level), I find the desire to have a sexual relationship with them becoming stronger. It's different in the fact that I can't contain it in a fantasy or lustful want and it extends to it nagging at me to somehow make it a part of the relationship. Is this normal?

For the record, I've don't live near any of my close friends anymore...and because of the fact that my closest friend isn't open to sex and is currently in a relationship, I don't bring this up with her. My other friends were much much more open on this kind of thing and probably would've agreed to it, but I'm sort of a shy person and wouldn't have brought it up anyway.

I'm just kind of wondering how normal this is and what it might actually mean?

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eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI Coffee and Chocolate,

If I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that you have more of an interest in sex with people you've met and gotten to know as friends than you do in people that you might start off knowing based more on a romantic or sexual attraction?

Perhaps for you the sexual attraction becomes more real, and more appealing, when you've known someone for a while and have built up a level of trust and a degree of general knowledge about them.

Could you say more about what you feel like the differences are between people you've been attracted to, and the friends that you've developed attractions for?

And please don't hesitate to correct me if I'm misunderstanding you completely! [Smile]

As to what is normal.... *shrug* There are so many variations in relationships and friendships it's truly hard to even say that there is normal. What's "normal" is what's healthy an right for you and everyone involved. I know it might not feel that way, since people don't talk much about relationship that aren't the "usual", but it's exactly because they don't talk about it that we don't know what people really do...which, I can tell you from personal observation, is pretty darn diverse.

So how can we help you work this out for yourself? Is it something you'd like to move towards doing something about, notwithstanding the geographic limitations?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
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Hm...I can say I'm less attracted to my platonic friends than my romantic interests in a sexual manner most of the time...Ok, I should probably give an example.

There was a girl I really liked back in seventh grade (also when sex was more in my crotch not my haed with the raging puberty hormones...eh). She was sweet, attractive, and I often thought about taking her on dates and of course sexually fantasizing about her. But I just did these little things, gave her gifts and told her she was pretty, but subtle enough not to draw any clues. Problem is, I didn't trust her. She was sort of judgemental and had expressed some homophobia, but we remained friends. The desire to be with her was trapped in my fantasies and didn't nag at me to actually explain this to her. I really liked her, but something in me quelled the need to tell her. But, there was this boy that I had been friends with for a while--really good friends with and he had tried a few times to start something physical with me...joking around, flirting, telling me I shouldn't be a virgin anymore and groping me. I pushed him off, but as our friendship grew, I found myself getting agitated about it, so much that I just wanted to grab him and hold him. I just wanted to hold him and do things with him even though I thought he was kind of gross. I didn't quite understand that. I didn't want him to kiss me in the halls, I didn't want him to tell me he loved me, and I didn't want to date him. I just wanted some physical contact with him even though I felt mostly platonic for him.

My best friend, it's much the same. Although, I've actually had a crush on her once or twice, I feel platonic for her now. We flirt back in forth occasionally, and my mom tells me to be careful because she's straight and I like girls a lot (She uses lesbian, but I think I'm in between bi and lesbian at this point...I see myself with girls more), but I insist that everything's fine. We do role-play over the phone--putting characters from different TV shows, books and comics into romantic situations and sometimes it does get a bit sexual... She tells me sometimes it's to satisfy her mind for that sexual contact and I ask why not go that route with her boyfriend and she says that would be weird. I indulge her though because it's contact I like too.

With her, my other female friend (who I don't keep in contact with anymore...I guess a past close friend) and my past close male friend, I could talk to them about things I couldn't normally to others, even sex. They were all open about it, or at least talking about it. Sometimes I wonder if it's a trust thing?

On another note, I've never had sex before, and I'm cagey about physical contact except with my best friend at this point when we visit. I want to cuddle and I've talked to her about this, but she says it's weird cuddling with me compared to with her other friends. She didn't really explain why, but I can't say I didn't feel disappointed...

I don't think I'd want to take the sexuality in our friendship any farther because a) she's in a relationship b) she's waiting until marriage and c) she's straight. oh and d) her parents are heterosexist it seems...

I just don't really know what to do about it.

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eh.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Coffee And Chocolate,

I was also thinking that it might be a trust thing. If you're cagey about physical contact that's going to play into it too and developing the kind of long-term trust and platonic caring with friends may be helping you bridge that.

Is being sexual with *anyone* something you want to do right now? Are you just trying to figure out how to deal with these sexual feelings for someone whom you feel sure isn't accessible to you? Both? More than that?

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Robin

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Coffee_and_Chocolate
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Sorry that it has taken so long to reply...

Well...I would say both... I'm kind of not sure how I can feel ready for sex when I can't even meet a stranger or stay composed on the phone.

That doesn't make any sense to me. And how I would want to have sex with close friends that I wasn't even sexually attractive to in the first place. Although I am sexually attracted to this girl...

It's just really confusing to explain, because I feel like it's not just contained in a fantasy, like I really want to or would be ready to have that relationship with them in real life, where as people I'm more sexually attracted to and like, I don't feel the need, even if my body does.

I wonder if it's something else entirely. Like I said, my hormones have calmed and I don't feel urges nearly as often anymore. But, I've actually also thought about just going out on the street and having sex with a random stranger or putting my phone number on the wall to ask for a night. But I realize how dangerous and inappropriate that is. Either, I want a complete stranger or a really good friend. But I automatically block out people I see as fully ideal for this contact because I can't reveal everything to them.

I don't even know why at these times I would get a nagging need. Maybe it's all in my head or there's some other issue.

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eh.

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Coffee_and_Chocolate
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Maybe it's a confidence issue? The whole asking a complete and total stranger thing is totally stamped out because I would never ever in my life have the confidence to approach someone like that. I would go non-verbal before that ever happened. That's also another factor with the recent trust thing. Like, now the thought of a stranger really scares me, once I add all those factors in...the fact that I don't know what they would do at all and the fact that if I got anxious enough for my brain to shut off, I wouldn't trust them to care...and the physical contact thing. One time, I went to church with my friend and I was kind of tired because I got off the plane to visit her earlier and the people in Church were all touchy-feely....I was really protective over the hat I was wearing and the priest came up to me and said, "Aw, that's so cute! Give me that hat!" And he started ruffling my head and I ran out crying. It was really awkward actually. So yeah...I don't even know...

I probably need to rethink. I think I'm ready for sexual contact, but not with just anyone...

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eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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