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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Friendship Issue

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Author Topic: Friendship Issue
copper86
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Member # 95710

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Hello!

I admit that this is a problem (or problems) with simple solutions, but (as some of you know) I do have a problem with confrontation and I would just like an opinion on what I've planned to do so far about part of this issue.

I've been friends off and on with this girl for about 11 years. She was my first real friend when I moved to this province and, though we kind of lost touch in university as we both went in separate directions, we've recently reconnected and we have a lot of fun together.

However, I sometimes find myself put in uncomfortable situations with her. I admit that I like talking about men and thinking about men, so I can't say I'm silent about the people I find attractive, but she is constantly talking to me about the man she likes very much. I'm usually fine with that when we're "in-person," as I can directly ask her questions and can better connect with her and try to help if I can; but she will often text me, and almost always about the man she likes. Again, that could be a non-issue, but she will message me late at night - anywhere from 3 am to 7 am - and this has been going on all summer.

Again, if she has a problem or crisis, by all means, she can text me then; but she has woken me up or has made me just plain exasperated. I feel badly that she is upset with the situations with this guy, but it's to the point that I get broken sleep or just extremely frustrated with her; and I truly do not want to be upset with her. If I had an issue and wanted to talk to a friend, I would appreciate it if I could text them at any time, but I still try and stop texting anyone after 11 PM (unless they text me). I know I could just turn my phone off during the night, but I often leave it on in case my brother messages me or in case of emergencies (and I admit, I'm pretty obsessed with my phone, so it's rarely off unless I'm at church or a social event).

I feel very uncomfortable confronting her about texting me so late, but it's affecting how I view her and I hate that. I'm worried that she'll get angry with me for just politely asking her to text me after 9 am, but I suppose that if I was in her situation, I would just accept that my friend didn't text at those times and would just text her later.

This issue has been bothering me off and on for a long time; and I'm hoping to tell her something like, "Could you please text me after 9?" but again, I'm nervous she'd take it badly; because I truly care about her and her feelings... But at 3 am, if I even hear her messages, I'm kind of more of a bear at that point than a human being! [Smile] I'd like to know if anyone else has been in this situation, and how they've handled it. Thank you so much!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Member # 41699

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Hey copper. I think that just politely asking her not to text you after a certain hour unless it's an emergency shouldn't go down too badly. I don't really see why someone would get angry about that! After all, I think it's a VERY reasonable request [Razz]

I've made that request myself to a friends who's always up later than me (and gets drunk and decides to text me a random sentence at 3am when I have to get up at 6 the next morning...) and he took it just fine. No more late night/early morning texts for me! [Smile] Obviously everyone is different so everyone reacts differently to things, but honestly, if she were to get angry about that, there must be something up other than "how dare you ask me to stop texting at ungodly hours!" because that's really not a big deal.

So if she DOES get angry maybe you could offer that you'd be willing to talk about whatever issue is making her so upset face-to-face sometime soon, and just remind her that your boundary on texts isn't anything personal, you just would like to make sure you get enough sleep and you'd prefer to have those conversations in person. Then step away and let her cool down a bit.

But again, I really don't see why she'd get angry about something like that, so I really think there's no reason not to just politely ask her not to text at those times anymore [Smile] Good luck!

[ 09-08-2012, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Member # 95710

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Hi, Onionpie!

I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to answer this post! Thank you so much for responding, and for sharing a story about a very similar issue! I agree that it asking someone not to text you after a certain hour should be a reasonable request; and I will try to phrase it politely as you suggested. I'm just not always so good at confrontation - even a "could you please ____?" is diffcult for me! But I will definitely talk to her about it next time it happens! Thank you again for giving me great advice!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Member # 41699

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No problem! Glad I could help [Smile] And I understand about not liking confrontation; maybe you could try not to think of this as confrontation? Because really, I wouldn't consider this a confrontation -- you're just making a simple request. So you could perhaps try to re-frame it in your mind that way, that this is just asking a simple easy thing of your friend, and requests and boundaries like those are made between people all the time in everyday life (I'm sure people have made plenty of similarly simple requests of you and you've not been offended by them, after all [Smile] ), so it's not much of a confrontation at all really! Good luck!
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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